Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 150
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, "Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and yelling, "You want a piece of me?"
If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
I don't like the fact that most black people or black comedians have to present themselves in a flamboyant way. It's good if you can do that, but I don't like to think that's the way all black comedians are. I'm not that type.
Sophia Loren, whose new baby asked her, "Is all that for me?" Never got a dinner!
You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.
I realized my penis is like a retarded little brother. It means well, but ultimately it's driven by curiosity and the need to be hugged.
Suppose you took an oath by placing your right hand on the Bible and raising your left? Would it still count? Does God really give a shit? Does anyone?
I'm a friend of the CEO of Twitter and he showed me how to be on it, but it causes such an uproar if what you post is perceived in a negative light.
Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.
I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is "If it feels good - stop."
People think everyone from the South is married to their sister and has seen a UFO. I tell 'em, "Hell, I'm just dating my sister, and I could swear it wasn't a weather balloon".
I found that laughter was a form of acceptance, and I really enjoyed that and I just - I crave it.