Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 150
The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.
Near my house in Los Angeles is a waterfall. I love to take the wife and kids, but it's also near a sketchy neighborhood. So there's a lot of gang members that hang out at the waterfall. It's like somebody took an Ansel Adams photo and then put a Cypress Hill video inside it.
Pure entertainment is not an egotistical lady singing boring songs onstage for two hours and people in tuxes clapping whether they like it or not. It's the real performers on the street who can hold people's attention and keep them from walking away.
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.
I have this dream life where I get to be a celebrity but I get to navigate the world fairly easily because I'm always in character.
They’ve got plastic Christmas trees now. They’re hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?
My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.
He's been on vacation for a year and month. Captain Kirk never left the helm when the Enterprise was under attack.
I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is "If it feels good - stop."
Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH... and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!'
You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.