Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 150

A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

My buddies, we've always just tried to make each other laugh. I mean, just like all friends hanging out - that's the goal.

I'll clue you in on a secret: death is not the worst thing that could happen to you. I know we think that; we are the first society ever to think that. It's not worse than dishonor; it's not worse than losing your freedom; its not worse than losing a sense of personal responsibility.

I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.

A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.

One plus one equals three. When a man and woman marry they become one never two.

If we do have any iPhone users out there, I have incredibly great news for you. I've developed after about six months and finally perfected and it'll be out on the market soon, an app that you'll all want. It allows you to make a phone call.

This is where we are at right now, as a whole. No one is left out of the loop. We are experiencing a reality based on a thin veneer of lies and illusions. A world where greed is our God and wisdom is sin, where division is key and unity is fantasy, where the ego-driven cleverness of the mind is praised, rather than the intelligence of the heart.

'But he was so great!’ Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on a vacation.

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, "Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and yelling, "You want a piece of me?"

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

All you crazy white people "I'm American!", all you did was come out of your mother's pussy on American soil. That's it. That's it! What, you think you're better than somebody from France 'cause you came out of a pussy in Detroit?

Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?

Knock me out with the first pain, and wake me up when the hairdresser arrives.

I was talking to a businessman, and I said, "Don't you think most men are little boys?" And he said, "I'm no little boy! I make seventy-five thousand dollars a year." And I said, "Well, the way I look at it - you just have bigger toys."