Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 150
Kids who are the product of old sperm are not right. The fresher the mayo, the better the sandwich. That is a very simple formula.
What? … The Carthaginians are attacking? God, I knew they'd do that. What? … They are attacking over the Alps? Damn, I knew they'd do that. What? … They're coming on elephants? … Where'd they get the elephants? There aren't any elephants in Europe. This I got to see … are you sure? … It's not just a typo mistake? Perhaps the Carthaginians are attacking over the Alps and they are in their element? Kind of upbeat, you know. They're coming on fucking elephants, huh.
A free and independent press is essential to the health of a functioning democracy. It serves to inform the voting public on matters relevant to its well-being. Why they've stopped doing that is a mystery. I mean, 300 camera crews outside a courthouse to see what Kobe Bryant is wearing when the judge sets his hearing date, while false information used to send our country to war goes unchecked? What the fuck happened?
I was talking to a businessman, and I said, "Don't you think most men are little boys?" And he said, "I'm no little boy! I make seventy-five thousand dollars a year." And I said, "Well, the way I look at it - you just have bigger toys."
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
If Mike Tyson came up to me and said, “Listen, I want to fuck you in your ass.” The toughest thing I could say back is: “For how long?! Now I need some sort of time frame, my brother! Because you ain’t gonna be fucking me all day long! Now you gotta about three hours to do what you gotta do, then the ass is mine!”
You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. "What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight."
I'll clue you in on a secret: death is not the worst thing that could happen to you. I know we think that; we are the first society ever to think that. It's not worse than dishonor; it's not worse than losing your freedom; its not worse than losing a sense of personal responsibility.
I used to have a theory that I took almost through all the presidencies. And it was that you're either - it's like the Three Stooges. You're either a Moe, who's in charge, or a Larry, who wants to be a Moe, or you're Curly, who is nuts and totally just off the page.
Knock me out with the first pain, and wake me up when the hairdresser arrives.
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
It's the woman's movement. Woman are demanding things. "Give me things! Do things to me! Do exotic things and plenty of them. Tonight, I think I'll have multiple orgasms". And I go fucking hell, what? What's that? "Go for it my boy! Plenty of orgasms, I'll tell you when to stop". No sooner had we found the clitoris that we were in search of the g-spot. I don't think you could find that with a wet suit and a divers helmet. I know gynaecologists that don't believe in it. You see it's difficult to be a man. I mean the mens movement in America is taking the country by storm. Right, people and all meeting, but you see films of the woman's movement... "We want this! And that. We demand a share in that, and most of that, some of this and fucking all of that. Less of that, more of this and fucking plenty of this. And another thing we want it now. I want it yesterday and I want fucking more tomorrow. And the demands will all be checked then so fucking stay awake."