Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 162
I do podcasts for the same reasons I do stand-up comedy. I love it, and I don’t care if anybody else gets it.
I got so good at writing to a budget, my brain was restricting myself. I'd write, "It's a stormy night." Then I'd cross out stormy. I'd write: "It's a calm night." Then I'd cross out night. It's noon. Because you know how much night costs. You know how much rain costs. Nothing comes free in movies.
If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. That is as sure as death and taxes.
According to USA Today, 74 percent of Americans plan to hand out candy this Halloween. Although President Obama thinks it should be just the top 1 percent.
I need privacy. I would think that because what I do makes a lot of people happy that I might deserve a little bit of respect in return. Instead, the papers try to drag me off my pedestal.
People need motivation to do anything. I don't think human beings learn anything without desperation.
I've always felt like I work in a small little area that doesn't represent anything like the rest of society.
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.
I could tell by the sound of your voice over the phone. Very authoritative you know, like the Pope or the computer in 2001.