Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 162
Great soul of Gandhi, cover your ears. You will not want to hear this! Listen, you inbred piece of Ku Klux Krap! You white people love to be racist, but the only races you can tell apart are Indianapolis and Daytona. I hope I am reincarnated as toothpaste, so I never have to see you again. Now take your twelve-pack of wife-beating juice and get the park out of my store!
Violence doesn't solve anything? World War I. World War II. Star Wars. Every Super Bowl. Who says violence doesn't solve anything?
Listen, young people, I understand narcissism - clearly. But at least I have the decency to hate myself. And that's what's missing from the young people. They don't have the debilitating self-loathing and the second guessing.
Y'all can relax about that Osama bin Laden shit coz I'm a handle the shit myself. Coz I can't understand how they can't find the motherfucker, six foot six with a nappy beard and a towel on his head, while they can find my cousin four foot eleven in Compton. Nigga worth half a billion dollars, just look for the cave with the satellite hook up, if there's a Rolls Royce parked in front of the cave, nigga probably in there. You walk in and there's velvet paintings of Saddam Hussein, I think the nigga in there, I mean who do they got looking for this guy Colon Powell?
Serbia? Isn’t that the place that Clinton bombed because he stuck that cigar in that girl’s twat?
If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. That is as sure as death and taxes.
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad.
Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others.
I saw one of those giant Hummer cars with handicapped tags on it. I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an asshole was technically a handicap.'
Can’t have sausage anymore, and not because of health reasons, but because I saw a commercial that nearly scared me to death. I was watching TV one night, and this is what the commercial said word for word. “The eggs are from real chickens. The milk is from real cows. But the sausage is from Jimmy Dean.” Really? You’d think someone would have caught that!