Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 162
Don't try to talk to me about sports. If a guy comes up and starts spitting out stats and what happened in the most recent game, to me, all he's saying is: 'Hey let's punch each other in the cock right after we pound these energy drinks out of a douche while we fuck our Ed Hardy t-shirts at dickhead camp.'
I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.
Horses are among the most regal, majestic creatures to hold up traffic while they stop to shit in the street.
Everything's nerve-wracking; you really shouldn't be in show business if you can't stand situations that are nerve-wracking, and you just have to learn to push that aside or rip it off and graft it onto your positive, creative energy. I mean, c'mon, I've been in 40, 50 movies and a bunch of TV shows. Someone asked a few months ago how many auditions I took, and I said, "Boy, you got me. A lot, I guess. 700? 2,700? I don't know." And then I started thinking and realized, "Boy, I guess that's a lot." You know what, either get some hard bark on you, or find another line.
Sometimes the critics review me harshly for not being critical of government but it's not me who has said I was political.
Ah, self-confidence. You fickle, fickle slut, you. Sometimes you’re there, other times you’re with some other jerk, nowhere to be found. The idea of self-confidence is irritating the way it’s usually presented, like it’s some tangible ‘thing’ you can just throw onto your brain like a jacket.
I'm gonna share with you a vision that I had, cause I love you. And you feel it. You know all that money we spend on nuclear weapons and defense each year, trillions of dollars, correct? Instead - just play with this - if we spent that money feeding and clothing the poor of the world - and it would pay for it many times over, not one human being excluded - we can explore space together, both inner and outer, forever in peace. Thank you very much. You've been great, I hope you enjoyed it.
No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.
Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.
Let's see what's going on over in Iraq. A Burger King has opened up and prostitutes are back on the street of Baghdad after 20 years. Fast food and hookers - they are truly living the American Dream.
In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say "Stop, or I'll say stop again."
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.