Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 164
My characters all start with rhythms and sounds. Once I hear the voice and get into the rhythm, the attitude and the physicality just come out on their own.
Violence doesn't solve anything? World War I. World War II. Star Wars. Every Super Bowl. Who says violence doesn't solve anything?
If you think ‘loading the dishwasher’ means ‘getting your wife drunk’, you might be a redneck.
Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.
If I am ever brain dead, kill Titus. If I cannot control the fluids spewing out of my own orifices, please kill Titus. If I'm not aware enough to pick which diapers I would like to be changed into, for God's sake, kill Titus - unless I'm really funny.
I said, 'I'm a male stripper.' He's like, 'You're kidding!' I said, 'Yeah!' He said, 'What's your stage name?' I said, 'Stretch Marks.'
You keep asking me questions that you know I have to lie at. 'Do I look fat?' 'Nah, no.' If you wasn't fat, you wouldn't have asked. That's why you asked the question. Skinny people don't say, 'Do I look fat?' Skinny people say, 'Do you want to eat? Would you like to have a sandwich?'
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Want to shut a racist white guy's mouth. Put him around Super human athletic black dudes.
A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.
Women in general suck at raising kids. That's right, I said it! Who wants some? C'mon! When a woman sees a kid putting a penny in a light socket, what does she do? "No!" You smack that little hand. "Well there!" When that kid's five, getting smacked in the hand is no big deal anymore. Men see the exact same kid putting a penny in a light socket and go: "No no wait wait... shh shh shh shh... well go on!" "Well, you're not gonna do that again are ya? I know it hurt. Shot your ass about 8 feet, I saw. Get up. Yes your eyebrows will grow back."