Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 164

Can’t have sausage anymore, and not because of health reasons, but because I saw a commercial that nearly scared me to death. I was watching TV one night, and this is what the commercial said word for word. “The eggs are from real chickens. The milk is from real cows. But the sausage is from Jimmy Dean.” Really? You’d think someone would have caught that!

If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. That is as sure as death and taxes.

I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

I'd still like to see "Survivor" minus the planned show-biz parts. That would be the purest form of show business - I want to see someone so hungry that they eat somebody else's foot.

I got so good at writing to a budget, my brain was restricting myself. I'd write, "It's a stormy night." Then I'd cross out stormy. I'd write: "It's a calm night." Then I'd cross out night. It's noon. Because you know how much night costs. You know how much rain costs. Nothing comes free in movies.

Sometimes the critics review me harshly for not being critical of government but it's not me who has said I was political.

Ah, self-confidence. You fickle, fickle slut, you. Sometimes you’re there, other times you’re with some other jerk, nowhere to be found. The idea of self-confidence is irritating the way it’s usually presented, like it’s some tangible ‘thing’ you can just throw onto your brain like a jacket.

Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes!

I don't do drugs anymore... than say, the average touring funk band.

I'm gonna share with you a vision that I had, cause I love you. And you feel it. You know all that money we spend on nuclear weapons and defense each year, trillions of dollars, correct? Instead - just play with this - if we spent that money feeding and clothing the poor of the world - and it would pay for it many times over, not one human being excluded - we can explore space together, both inner and outer, forever in peace. Thank you very much. You've been great, I hope you enjoyed it.

That definitely went through my mind, ... The situation in Houston, I felt teams were going to shy away from me because of the stuff with me.

Cinnamon buns, now - those are something I'd want to buy and have as a nickname. "Excuse me, are you cinnamon buns?" "You bet your sweet ass I am."

Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man."

It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride?'