Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 164

I have a food party trick. Get some whipped cream or butter, put it on a table, and say, “Everybody ready? This is my trick.” Then I’ll wipe whatever white substance it is all over my mouth and go, “I got the job! I can’t believe I got the job!” That’s my party trick. It’s so stupid, but I’ll still do it.

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't "taper off." You've got to quit, cold jerky!

I'm 30 sit-ups away from the body of a young Mark Hamill.

When you consider the overpopulation in this world... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.

Comedy today is definitely skewed to the filthy side, but it’s not as hard today as I am more mature as a comedian and a person. I’m a grown up now doing a kid’s job. Being a more mature Christian these days makes it easier than when I first started. Now I get to do shows of my choosing and a lot of folks attending the shows know my work and expect a clean show.

New York: the only city where people make radio requests like "This is for Tina - I'm sorry I stabbed you."

Ever see a skinny guy on a cold day? You know they tremble like Chihuahuas. Then you see a fat guy in a tank top - nine degrees, he's sweatin'. Look at 'Titanic,' remember the boat goes into the icy cold waters? Little skinny Leonardo: dead. Final scene, Kathy Bates on a rowboat, coat open, eating a hotdog.

My girlfriend wants me to choke her while we're having sex. But I say, what's wrong with while we're having dinner?

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

We presumed a certain intelligence on the audience, that they knew something about Sir Walter Raleigh, or about Abraham Lincoln, or the Wright Brothers.

You know when you say something but you want to change in the middle? Like one time I was a bout to say take care but changed in the middle to good luck so it sounded like take luck... If you have any luck take care of it. Take luck you now. Shut up!

Humanity is a crazy contradiction. I accept us for who we are. We're not that great. Every time we take a step forward we go back to the same primitive behavior. We're meant to be this way. It's not our fault, it's just who we are.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.

If you bury the pain deep down it will stay with you indefinitely, but if you open yourself to it, experience it, and deal with it head-on, you’ll find it begins to move on after a while.