Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 164
I said, 'I'm a male stripper.' He's like, 'You're kidding!' I said, 'Yeah!' He said, 'What's your stage name?' I said, 'Stretch Marks.'
I don’t do much. I’m too lazy. That’s my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow - a big truck could hit me - paralyze me from the neck down. Wouldn’t effect my lifestyle a bit really.
How big are muffins going to get before we all join hands across America? Have you seen them? They're huge. "Yeah, I'll take a coffee and... Oh, my God! Yeah, I'll have the beanbag chair with raisins."
What happens is fucking say you can do the joke, but what they're going to do is take your beautiful broth and dump a pillowcase full of flour into it. Then, they say you can still have your broth, but it's not so good anymore, and ultimately it's the people who get the crappy soup because they're worried about the one guy who is allergic to it and not the rest of us.
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
My wife's cool. You guys would like her. She's Cherokee Indian, which is great 'cause whenever we have sex, it rains.
Women in general suck at raising kids. That's right, I said it! Who wants some? C'mon! When a woman sees a kid putting a penny in a light socket, what does she do? "No!" You smack that little hand. "Well there!" When that kid's five, getting smacked in the hand is no big deal anymore. Men see the exact same kid putting a penny in a light socket and go: "No no wait wait... shh shh shh shh... well go on!" "Well, you're not gonna do that again are ya? I know it hurt. Shot your ass about 8 feet, I saw. Get up. Yes your eyebrows will grow back."
If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. That is as sure as death and taxes.
I had many teachers that were great, positive role models and taught me to be a good person and stand up and be a good man. A lot of the principals they taught me still affect how I act sometimes and it's 30 years later.
My girlfriend, you know, she’s crazy. She’s a woman, and women are crazy. She hates it when I say the c-word. It’s so stupid… We’ll be watching, like, Spongebob or something, and I’ll be like, ‘c-word’ and she’ll be like, ‘His name is Squidward you dump cunt, now get out of my house.’
Donald Trump’s mother, who said, "Donnie! Stop playing Monopoly and get in that barber’s chair! " Never got a dinner!
You keep asking me questions that you know I have to lie at. 'Do I look fat?' 'Nah, no.' If you wasn't fat, you wouldn't have asked. That's why you asked the question. Skinny people don't say, 'Do I look fat?' Skinny people say, 'Do you want to eat? Would you like to have a sandwich?'
It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride?'