Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 163
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
I don't consider success doing a show for 30 years; I'm sorry. To me, you're successful when you graduate from something. I did a series, I did a talk show, I did movies, I replaced Mickey Rooney on Broadway in "Sugar Babies." You understand?
I could tell by the sound of your voice over the phone. Very authoritative you know, like the Pope or the computer in 2001.
They say if you don't have your health you ain't got nothing, but the truth is you ain't got nothing if you don't have no one to worry about your health.
I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
You might be a redneck if you've ever used a weed eater indoors.
Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't.
No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you.
If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't "taper off." You've got to quit, cold jerky!
I like rock, paper, scissors - two-thirds. Rock breaks scissors: these scissors are bent, they're destroyed, I can't cut stuff - I lose. Scissor cuts paper: this is strips, this is not even paper, this can take me forever to put this back together - you got me. Paper covers rock: rock is fine, no structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point, just say the word. Paper sucks. It should be rock, dynamite with a cuttable wick, scissors.