Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 165
No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.'
I had many teachers that were great, positive role models and taught me to be a good person and stand up and be a good man. A lot of the principals they taught me still affect how I act sometimes and it's 30 years later.
Boy, a drive-through liquor store. God bless America! A place where you can drive through and buy whiskey, beer... just the thing for that drunk driver who's constantly on the go. Cant stop now! I've got places to go, people to hit!
In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say "Stop, or I'll say stop again."
You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think?
Turning a breakup into a break-over... We want women to know that as bad as it can be, it can also be an opportunity to reinvent yourself.
I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass.
You keep asking me questions that you know I have to lie at. 'Do I look fat?' 'Nah, no.' If you wasn't fat, you wouldn't have asked. That's why you asked the question. Skinny people don't say, 'Do I look fat?' Skinny people say, 'Do you want to eat? Would you like to have a sandwich?'
Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.