Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 165
Want to shut a racist white guy's mouth. Put him around Super human athletic black dudes.
I find that at most theme parks, the theme is ‘Wait in Line, Fatty.’
You keep asking me questions that you know I have to lie at. 'Do I look fat?' 'Nah, no.' If you wasn't fat, you wouldn't have asked. That's why you asked the question. Skinny people don't say, 'Do I look fat?' Skinny people say, 'Do you want to eat? Would you like to have a sandwich?'
They're turning kids into slaves just to make cheaper sneakers. But what's the real cost 'cause the sneakers don't seem that much cheaper. Why are we paying so much for sneakers when they're made by little slave kids? What are your overheads?
I believe God wrote the Word in your essence. That's the genius of my Father. You are born knowing right from wrong. You don't need a book to tell you that!
In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say "Stop, or I'll say stop again."
Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
Donald Trump’s mother, who said, "Donnie! Stop playing Monopoly and get in that barber’s chair! " Never got a dinner!
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
Sometimes the critics review me harshly for not being critical of government but it's not me who has said I was political.
My wife's cool. You guys would like her. She's Cherokee Indian, which is great 'cause whenever we have sex, it rains.
See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.
Boy, a drive-through liquor store. God bless America! A place where you can drive through and buy whiskey, beer... just the thing for that drunk driver who's constantly on the go. Cant stop now! I've got places to go, people to hit!