Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 165
I just want real reactions. I want people to laugh from the gut, be sad from the gut, or get angry from the gut.
I don't do drugs anymore... than say, the average touring funk band.
Boy, a drive-through liquor store. God bless America! A place where you can drive through and buy whiskey, beer... just the thing for that drunk driver who's constantly on the go. Cant stop now! I've got places to go, people to hit!
You can stump any stoner with one question: what were we just talking about?
I've always been the guy who doesn't necessarily get it with women. A woman would have to say, 'I like you, I want to go out with you, you can ask me.' And still I would question it. Did she mean it?
The Bible, I've said it before, is a beautifully written work of fiction.
Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.
You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren't paying attention to.
Why is there a Bible in the Courtroom? Isn't that why we're here in the first place? Somebody is lying.
Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man."
Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?
I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.
I’m a visionary; I’m ahead of my time. Trouble is, I’m only about an hour and a half ahead.
Ah, self-confidence. You fickle, fickle slut, you. Sometimes you’re there, other times you’re with some other jerk, nowhere to be found. The idea of self-confidence is irritating the way it’s usually presented, like it’s some tangible ‘thing’ you can just throw onto your brain like a jacket.