Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 189
Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. I had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.
Well... you know, I would wake up with a terrible hangover in a jail somewhere and worst part was that I would not know why I was there.
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
I can't floss my teeth. People tell me how hard it is to stop smoking; I think it's about as hard as it is to start flossing.
It wasn't a cutdown to call someone a Mexican. It would kill my career to refer to someone as Mexican today. It's like calling me an American.
Eddie Murphy was the Michael Jordan of comedy. He had a full range of abilities.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.
That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford - an actor and a stuntman.
They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!
But seriously I got hit by a car the other day. Yeah, I'm alright, I appreciate the concern. I was going about 8, the care behind me was going about 11. He wasn't getting to 11, he was at 11. But he was behind me so cha-ching! C4, C5, bingo! He gets out of the car about 105 years old. A little cooky in the head. I'm a little tattered. He starts saying things he probably shouldn't at the scene of an accident. Hell buddy, I wasn't even looking. Might want to keep that to yourself.Then he just keeps burying himself. I can't even drive a stick. I don't know which one is the brake. My legs are numb. I been drinking!
I took Duke to the vet ’cause he eats his own turds, and I asked the vet, “Isn’t that unusual?” and he says, “No, a lot of dogs do that. Just take some of this powder here, sprinkle it on his food and it’ll make him stop.” I said, “What’s it do?” He says, “It makes his turds taste bad.”<br /> “I’m sorry, Doc, did you just say ‘it will make his turds taste bad’?” Let me tell you something, if you’ve stooped to eating turds, you’ve never uttered the phrase, “Oh my God! This is nasty!”
“But evolution is only a theory!” Which is true. I mean, it is only a theory, it’s good that they say that. I think, it gives you hope, doesn’t it? That… that maybe they feel the same way about the theory of gravity, and they might just float the fuck away.
Whenever she uses the phrase "I was thinking...," that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.