Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 189
Starting to drink now in preparation for New Years. No more last minute stuff like Christmas.
There’s too much porn on the internet. That’s why I’m downloading all of it.
If you're on Twitter, what you're saying is, 'I'm important enough for you to care what I think.'
A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don’t realize this, he’s a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of years ago, A-Rod went to the hospital and promised a dying kid he’d ground out to second for him.
If you ever want to go golfing, take Brad with you. He will make you look better. He came in dead last. There were 75 celebrities and pro athletes and he came in dead last.
Will you calm down? You're not going to let a little near-death experience ruin your mood, are you?
As American as an apple is and as American as baseball is, they don't go together. You can't be chewing an apple at a baseball game. You've got to let go of the diet that day.
The vagina is its own little person. It gets haircuts from time to time, sometimes it has its own lawyer. Everything affects it: kittens, balloon rides, Dave Matthews in concert. What affects the penis? Whiskey and pepper spray, that's it.
When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.
You watch a fishing show. At the end, they roll credits. There's 90 people involved with these two guys fishing! What the hell are they all doing? And one of the credits is 'film editor.' This poor guy, he's got to watch all the footage that's not exciting enough to make it into the final product.
My general rule of thumb is, once something's a ride at Disneyland, I assume that it is no longer a threat in real life. Which is why I don't expect to get attacked by a giant tea cup anytime soon.
I don't really frick with Africa cause people are starving to death and that's not ballin' to me.
I'm not making this up - he goes 'Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn't affect your everyday life. But that doesn't mean it's right.' I think it's pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle. I'm sorry, but that's not the first animal you jump to when you're writing that analogy.