Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 189
That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford - an actor and a stuntman.
They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!
“But evolution is only a theory!” Which is true. I mean, it is only a theory, it’s good that they say that. I think, it gives you hope, doesn’t it? That… that maybe they feel the same way about the theory of gravity, and they might just float the fuck away.
He can procrastinate more than any kid I've ever met in my life. When I tell my son to go take a shower, it can easily be forty-five minutes before I hear the water start running. Do you got one like this? He gets up in his bathroom, 'cause he has go to the bathroom again. And I don't even think he has to go; I think he just enjoys the comfort of that seat. It's like his La-Z-Boy rocker. He's got books in front of it, and LEGOs. And one night, I told him to go take a shower, and I didn't hear the water run for about an hour, and I said "that is it!" And I went upstairs and I walked in his room, and I heard this "boom, boom, boom." And I looked around the corner of the bathroom, he is standing butt naked in front of the mirror going "shake your boom boom, shake your boom boom." And I let it go for about ten seconds, then went "Shake, boy!" We don't nekkid dance anymore.
What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
If you bought the soundtrack to the motion picture Ray, what you're saying about yourself is, "I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and pretend I've been a lifelong Ray Charles fan."
Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.
She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.
A lot of comics are kind of vampire types; we do our shows and disappear into the night. My philosophy was, this is like politics, and if I want people to know about my campaign, I'm going to go out there and shake hands.
Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.
I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name and apparently that's the key to the whole thing right there. I go in every few weeks and guess.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.