Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 194

I used to walk into a party and scan the room for attractive women. Now I look for women to hold my baby so I can eat potato salad sitting down.

White people think they can just do what the fuck they want to do all the time!

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, "quick out the window".

I don't hate other women. Let me rephrase that: I hate other women and men - people in general can be annoying - but I've never disliked a woman for being beautiful.

Banks have a new image. Now you have a friend, your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name and apparently that's the key to the whole thing right there. I go in every few weeks and guess.

I quit smoking well over twenty years ago.

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

My cell phone fell off my lap. I was reaching for it in the back.

I think I invented the phrase 'Don't overdo it.'

Every time Joe Biden says something goofy, I just picture GWBush at home, watching TV saying: “That guy says some dumb stuff.”

The whole idea of doing the Hollywood thing never even occurred to me. When you grow up on the East coast, Hollywood seems like this fantasy land and you don't think that people can actually make a living there.

I remember on Thanksgiving all the kids wanted the drumstick. There were four of us then. Well, today you can go into the supermarket and get 12 drumsticks. Years ago you couldn't do that. So I was sucking on the neck for two years. My mother told me it was the leg, and I believed it. I went to my father and said, "Why is my leg always cockeyed?" He said, "The bird has arthritis."

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.

I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He's down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise.