Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 194
The whole idea of doing the Hollywood thing never even occurred to me. When you grow up on the East coast, Hollywood seems like this fantasy land and you don't think that people can actually make a living there.
My father told me 'Name your price in the beginning. If it ever gets more expensive than the price you name, get out of there.'
It’s better to play to the host as though in a real conversation and let the audience listen in- which they are.
White people think they can just do what the fuck they want to do all the time!
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
My neighbor, she invited me to an Elvis party. I told her I couldn't come 'cause I'd be too busy making fun of her from behind my blinds.
I saw a door onetime that said “Exit Only.” So I entered it, and I went up to the guy working there and said, “I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door here. By like 100%, man.”
Horrible date all through high school and college. Here's an impression of me on a date in high school. Come on, chug it!
You know who doesn't get the death penalty? Crazy people. That’s a defense in America. "My client’s crazy. He doesn’t know what he did." Fine, then he doesn't know we’re gonna kill him. If a guy's that retard, you put him the electric chair and tell him it’s a ride.
You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.
A mom and dad found an S&M magazine under their 10-year-old son's bed, and the dad said, ''Well, we sure can't spank him.''
I was watching Discovery Channel the other day, and you know that they have come up with a new theory about how dinosaurs was wiped out? It was a midturn election...