Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 194

You know who doesn't get the death penalty? Crazy people. That’s a defense in America. "My client’s crazy. He doesn’t know what he did." Fine, then he doesn't know we’re gonna kill him. If a guy's that retard, you put him the electric chair and tell him it’s a ride.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Life imitates art but art intimidates life.

The president of a TV network generously agreed to take his company's aptitude test, a test required of all the personnel. He did badly. As a result he was in a sullen mood for the rest of the day. When he got home that night, his wife asked why he looked so grouchy. "I took the company's aptitude test this morning." "What did it show?" asked the wife. "It showed," boomed the executive, "that such tests are idiotic. That's what it showed."

I didn’t understand NASCAR until I met some NASCAR fans. You talk to a couple of NASCAR fans and you’ll see where a shiny car driving in a circle would fascinate them all day. I can make fun of NASCAR fans because if they chase me, I just turn right.

They say 'love thy neighbor as thy self' , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

'Homemade' sounds much better when not referring to tattoos.

I’m old and my knowledge is strictly horizontal.

On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes.

Easiest job you could ever have… whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create "reasonable doubt."

I think I invented the phrase 'Don't overdo it.'

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

I want a black Gummi Bear. You ever see a black Gummi Bear? No, because Gummi Bears are as racist as hell. They come in every color but black. They got orange, yellow, green, invisible - come on. They must have got somebody on the candy committee like, 'We gave you niggers a jelly bean nobody eats. We're not going to take a chance on a Gummi Bear.'

Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation.

My cell phone fell off my lap. I was reaching for it in the back.