Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 221
It's only a joke and the duck didn't really die, and you conservationists are probably all pure vegetarians and don't eat meat or anything like that and you're worried...I hope a butterfly flies up your nose you choke to death!
I went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white people use it.
The consumer mentality - we like something, what other flavor does it come in? We like that TV show, does it come in a book form? Does it come in a capsule? How about a soup?
If I'm a game show host, will someone buy a ticket to see me do standup? To do a dramatic role in a movie?
Well I have a microphone and you don't so you will listen to every damn word I have to say!
Just want to do something special, for all the ladies of the world, and the girls... Carribean... Parisian... Bolivian... Eastern Indochinian... Reptilian... Presbyterian.
I suffer from two phobias: 1) Phobia-Phobia, the fear that you're unable to get scared, and 2) Xylophataquieopiaphobia, the fear of not pronouncing words correctly.
My show is my statement. What I have to say is on the screen. My life is my own. I don't want to talk about my private self. Why should I?
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
I have a wife back in LA who is so pissed at me... yeah, she’s so mad I’m sleeping with her husband.