Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 221
How do you find what's going to make everybody have this strange reaction in their bodies, this response that's sort of chemical and physical all at once - this noise and emotion that changes how you sit? A laugh is a weird sound, and when you get a couple thousand people making it at once, it's really strange. But when I can feel proud of myself for causing it, it's great.
I’d like to help other comedians and when I get a little older I’d like to open up a nice comedy club that is straight classy, with a straight restaurant and a chef. The whole thing, red carpet, and treating people nice, for people to come back and have a good time. That’s the kind of comedy club I want to open up.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Taking a leak on a tree in the great wilderness of Alaska should not be a "who farted?" situation.
I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.
My show is my statement. What I have to say is on the screen. My life is my own. I don't want to talk about my private self. Why should I?
We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white people use it.
The `50s were terrifying with nuclear bomb stuff but boring in a social way and then the `60s were happening, and remember, there was no AIDS.
Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
We were on welfare when we were kids. Thanks for reminding me of that.
Lactose intolerant milk? Kiss my dick! If you're lactose intolerant you can't drink milk. So what's in the fucking carton? Get it out of there, get it away from my milk. It is talking to my milk and making it feel bad about itself.
My theory is, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I tried to capitalized on the values that made the show work. I have to be nice to my guests at the hotel, as I had to do with my patients, even when they're bugging me. And the home-life part seemed to work. I don't want ever to ride the show into the ground. It has been good to me.