Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 221
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming "No, that's not what I said!"
If I don’t die in a plane crash or something, this country has a rare opportunity to watch a great talent grow.
The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
Twitter does have an effect on everything - things you put out there, they are out there for good.
I don’t know why great abs are considered attractive. I know they are, but biologically, I don’t know what we’re trying to convey. You see a guy with great abs, you think, ‘wow! That guy could shit really fast.’ I bet women love that.
Just want to do something special, for all the ladies of the world, and the girls... Carribean... Parisian... Bolivian... Eastern Indochinian... Reptilian... Presbyterian.
I think the word raped gets thrown around far too casually. You ever listen to a bunch of guys playing video games with each other online? It's like, 'Ah man you shot me in the back dude. You raped me dude!' I'm pretty sure if I talked to a woman who's been through that horrific situation and I said, 'What was it like, you know, being raped?' she's not gonna look at me and go, 'Have you ever played Halo?'
This family was raised Catholic and I think there are still some members of the family who are practising Catholics, while others are recovering Catholics! That, to me, is a real part of America and we wanted to represent that.
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
And the only studies were - Rodney Dangerfield was my mentor and he was my Yale drama school for comedy.