Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 221
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
I was the worst bricklayer in the world. I can show you buildings I worked on - they're a hazard. I closed a window one time. I forgot to set back a brick and I just kept going - there I was singing 'There's no business like show business'.
My show is my statement. What I have to say is on the screen. My life is my own. I don't want to talk about my private self. Why should I?
The Steve Allen Sunday night show had the right to two options after my first performance.
Relationships are hard, man. For order, for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page, both people have to have the same focus, and we all know what that page is. We all know what that focus is. In order for the relationship to work both people have to have the same focus, and what's that focus? That focus is all about her! It's all about her!
Just want to do something special, for all the ladies of the world, and the girls... Carribean... Parisian... Bolivian... Eastern Indochinian... Reptilian... Presbyterian.
I suffer from two phobias: 1) Phobia-Phobia, the fear that you're unable to get scared, and 2) Xylophataquieopiaphobia, the fear of not pronouncing words correctly.
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
Let’s not pretend that anyone in here likes Nebraska. Have you ever wondered why theres storm chasers? An hour in Omaha and I’m looking for a tornado to take me any place. Get me the hell out of there, uh, no wonder there all fat it’s so they’ll stay on the ground.
I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.