Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 228

I have a wife back in LA who is so pissed at me... yeah, she’s so mad I’m sleeping with her husband.

Suicide Bombing there's a bright idea. Every time there's a bang the worlds a wanker short. Fucking idiots! I want to see the instructor. "Right lads I'm only going to show you this once". Fucking pricks! And it depends on what newspaper you read how many virgins you get for blowing yourself up. How are you going to shag them when you're now flying mince? There's all different numbers there's 17 virgins there's 20 virgins there's 40 virgins but my favourite was 53. That was proof to me there's a committee involved some where. 53 fucking virgins . The very thought of 53 fucking virgins ... It's a nightmare! It's not a fucking present it's not a fucking prise! That's a punishment! Give me 2 fire breathing whores any day of the week.

I don't really dissect comedy. Nothing kills off humor more than overanalyzing it.

Save yer breath! That's just another long list of lies perpetrated by The Man to keep a brutha down!

I offend everybody.

I'm glad them fucking holidays is over. "Don't drink and drive." Motherfucker, how am I going to get home?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I don't say, "Bless you." I say, "God bless you," because I'm not the Lord.

When I talk to Steve Martin, he's joyful when he talks about comedy.

I’d like to help other comedians and when I get a little older I’d like to open up a nice comedy club that is straight classy, with a straight restaurant and a chef. The whole thing, red carpet, and treating people nice, for people to come back and have a good time. That’s the kind of comedy club I want to open up.

I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.

From now on, my little group of shaved scrotum sacks, you will walk like me, talk like me, eat like me, and until you win those games, you will be bald like me.

You release these things, and if they fly then you have more.

I really think it's crazy that we hit our kids. It really is. Here's the crazy part about it. Kids are the only people in the world that you're allowed to hit. Do you realize that? They're the most vulnerable and they're the most destroyed by being hit, but it's totally OK to hit them. And they're the only ones! If you hit a dog, they fucking will put you in jail for that shit.

Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.