Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 228

I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.

I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, ''Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres."

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.

Babies awaken slightly disoriented, with a look that's half Angel and half Lost Tourist.

I'm not making this up - he goes 'Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn't affect your everyday life. But that doesn't mean it's right.' I think it's pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle. I'm sorry, but that's not the first animal you jump to when you're writing that analogy.

Sometimes whiskey dick is a good thing, like last night fucking the left eye of a pumpkin sounded like a good idea... thank you whiskey dick thank you!

My bank is the worst. They are screwing me. You know what they did to me? They're charging me money for not having enough money. Apparently, when you're broke, that costs money.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

My girlfriend likes to play doctor. So I always make her wait 90 minutes before I see her.

People might say, "What's so great about the Arctic Monkeys? I've never even seen them." Well, you've never seen God either. You're gonna tell me he's not awesome?

I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli. Sold number 3 for 28 bucks.

Women don’t have dicks and they don’t want dicks. That amateur psychology crap that women want penises. And they certainly don’t want testicles. Because you know no women in her right mind is going to carry around a bag that she can’t put stuff in.

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'