Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 228
I must end it. There is no hope. I will be at peace. No one had anything to do with it. My decision totally.
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex. 84 per cent of them said right after their husband is finished.
I really think it's crazy that we hit our kids. It really is. Here's the crazy part about it. Kids are the only people in the world that you're allowed to hit. Do you realize that? They're the most vulnerable and they're the most destroyed by being hit, but it's totally OK to hit them. And they're the only ones! If you hit a dog, they fucking will put you in jail for that shit.
A little Everclear punch. We had Everclear punch. Everclear is like 3000 proof grain alcohol. Illegal in 44 states. Makes a nice little mixer. Put it with Hawaiian Punch you got a nice little cordial. Girls are like, I can't even taste it. We know.
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.
And for my family, comedically, that was the key to a lot of the humor.
I don't really dissect comedy. Nothing kills off humor more than overanalyzing it.
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
Those are adult magazines. Anybody can own them. It doesn't prove the charge.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.
My Obama is getting pretty good ... I think I'll vote for whoever makes my portrayal easier. It takes time to put together a comic impression. It takes time to recognize the tics. Right now, for instance, I could do a dead- on Paul Ryan and people wouldn't recognize it. Personalities take a while to sin...
I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident!