Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 229
I was the worst bricklayer in the world. I can show you buildings I worked on - they're a hazard. I closed a window one time. I forgot to set back a brick and I just kept going - there I was singing 'There's no business like show business'.
"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?
You can’t marry him. You’re a Catholic and he’s… an asshole, think of the children.
Latinos outnumber Black people now. I’m not too happy about it. Because it’s only a matter of time before we lose our month. Soon as they figure it out, they’re going to have Latino History Month. All we’re going to have is Cinco de Negro.
A timid gray-haired lady boarded a Philadelphia local at Trenton and asked the conductor, “Does this train stop at the Broad Street terminal?” “If it doesn't lady,” he assured her, “you're going to see one heck of a crush!”
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
No human ever became interesting by not failing. The more you fail and recover and improve, the better you are as a person. Ever meet someone who’s always had everything work out for them with zero struggle? They usually have the depth of a puddle. Or they don’t exist.
How do you find what's going to make everybody have this strange reaction in their bodies, this response that's sort of chemical and physical all at once - this noise and emotion that changes how you sit? A laugh is a weird sound, and when you get a couple thousand people making it at once, it's really strange. But when I can feel proud of myself for causing it, it's great.
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
Technically my dog's naked most of the time. Except halloween, when I dress him up as Liza Minelli.
Growing up, I loved Bill Cosby and Bob Newhart. They are a big reason I’m a storyteller because they are two of the best.
I'm a 7 o'clock act. My people want to go to a show, a dinner and then go home and go to bed.
If I don’t die in a plane crash or something, this country has a rare opportunity to watch a great talent grow.