Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 229
On Jerry Springer: “You cultural sodomite. You were an aide to Bobby Kennedy, which explains your connection to Hasselhoff. I guess you like to hang around guys whose careers end on a hotel floor.”
I was in the De Witt Clinton Hight School marching band. One of the worst bands ever formed. When we played the national anthem, people from every country stood – except Americans.
'I was in heaven and I was in hell, believe in neither but fear them as well'... damn! Were you really in heaven and were you in hell? Here on earth or did you visit another land? This fucking jerk off…
As rewarding as a good film role can be, there is just nothing like getting up on a stage and taking an audience for a ride. You make a movie, and the audience may not see it for another 10 months. Here, you know immediately their reaction.
My girlfriend likes to play doctor. So I always make her wait 90 minutes before I see her.
Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
I think politics in general are just like a popularity contest but McCain is just… old.
And for my family, comedically, that was the key to a lot of the humor.
From now on, my little group of shaved scrotum sacks, you will walk like me, talk like me, eat like me, and until you win those games, you will be bald like me.
Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are.
What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.
I think it go serious in college when I found out I really enjoyed making people laugh. It makes me happy. I said, "I wanna be a comedian, I wanna get good.' You're not good in the beginning. You're still trying to figure out what the things are that you are going to talk about, what your angle is going to be and there's a lot of trial and error. I just never gave up and that was the beginning of my career. Just experimenting, trying it out and falling in love with it.
Suicide Bombing there's a bright idea. Every time there's a bang the worlds a wanker short. Fucking idiots! I want to see the instructor. "Right lads I'm only going to show you this once". Fucking pricks! And it depends on what newspaper you read how many virgins you get for blowing yourself up. How are you going to shag them when you're now flying mince? There's all different numbers there's 17 virgins there's 20 virgins there's 40 virgins but my favourite was 53. That was proof to me there's a committee involved some where. 53 fucking virgins . The very thought of 53 fucking virgins ... It's a nightmare! It's not a fucking present it's not a fucking prise! That's a punishment! Give me 2 fire breathing whores any day of the week.