Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 229
I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.
People don't let politicians kiss your babies. Those lips have been on lobbyist asses for years now.
I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident!
I am completely and utterly hooked to all the great shows on A&E and Court TV that are about small town murder. These shows like "Forensic Files", "City Confidential", I just can't get enough of them. It's always the same sort of deal. You know that they interview the actual people that lived through the experience. I miss Paul Winfield as the host of "City Confidential", may he rest in peace.
No matter how bad things are, you can at least be happy that you woke up this morning.
What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
People always want to put a label on you; they always want to compare you to something.
Shot down by a twenty-two year old waitress in breakaway panties!
College is great. It’s the only time in life where you can write a check for 39 cents... and bounce it.