Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 229
I was in the De Witt Clinton Hight School marching band. One of the worst bands ever formed. When we played the national anthem, people from every country stood – except Americans.
As much as Metallica rocked, they always had these song names... ‘The Thing That Shouldn’t Be’. ‘The Chair That Wasn’t There’, you know?
I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, ''Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres."
I could never live with you; not 'cause I'm racist or nothing. It's just 'cause as a black man in America, I need to have someone I can come home and complain about white people to. And that just don't work with my white wife.
I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.
Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.
Yeah, I had to wear a speedo! And I must have weighed like a buck thirty, lookin' like I was in dire need of a serious turkey dinner. I went out on a limb. I was not Mr. Sexy at all - I was very skinny and boney.
I think it go serious in college when I found out I really enjoyed making people laugh. It makes me happy. I said, "I wanna be a comedian, I wanna get good.' You're not good in the beginning. You're still trying to figure out what the things are that you are going to talk about, what your angle is going to be and there's a lot of trial and error. I just never gave up and that was the beginning of my career. Just experimenting, trying it out and falling in love with it.
I don’t tend to like race jokes. I don’t like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I’m both. Well, I’m not black - but if I was then I could dance better.
Suicide is another thing that's so frowned upon in this society, but honestly, life isn't for everybody. It really isn't. It's sad when kids kill themselves 'cause they didn't really give it a chance, but life is like a movie: if you've sat through more than half of it and it sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the very end for you and make it all worthwhile. No one should blame you for walking out early. Dont get any ideas....
I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.
From now on, my little group of shaved scrotum sacks, you will walk like me, talk like me, eat like me, and until you win those games, you will be bald like me.