Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!
People are always like, "Oh, she's such a bitch." I'm like, "Yeah, I am a bitch, actually."
Old peoples' skin sags because it's being pulled toward the underworld.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"
Sledge-O-Matic removes unwanted fingerprints from walls. Sledge-O-Matic also removes unwanted walls from fingerprints.
I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.
My friends went over to Europe and they brought back a magazine called Piss Drinkers magazine. Now what was really creepy about it was: this was issue 8, volume 22 of Piss Drinkers. It’s a 22-year-old magazine.
Sometimes if a woman has a really nice butt she'll wear tight pants. And then everyone looks at her butt when she walks by. That's nice, but it seems like a waste. Everybody's looking there, I feel like we should put important information on the butt. We should put the photos of missing children right on there.
Carrot Top is a nickname that people call me and I thought that it was more marketable.
Most of the time I live with my pain. I have pain but I won't show it around. I think that's the nobility of the character. There's something noble in not spewing on people all the time about your problems. I'm the light guy, so I identified.
That was funny, yet sad. Kind of like getting tit-fucked by a clown.