Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

We survived the 1980's. Back then, the economic program was called "trickle down." That actually meant they were pissing on you. How the whole theory goes was this: "We have all the money. If we drop some, it's yours. Go for it."

If you've ever thought of jumping off of a tall building, there was a guy who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. He survived, and he said this, he said "halfway down, I thought it was a bad idea."

You'll always feel good about your body when you go to the International House of Pancakes - no matter what your body is - because there's always someone there who weighs 350 pounds more than you’ll ever weigh.

I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.

My feeling on entertainers that get all upset about wanting their private life, I go, ‘You chose this business.’ If you want your private life that much, stay in the house.

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I buried my grandmother last year. It was devastating for my grandfather. He's still really mad at me.

I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I swear some days I think I owe my toilet an apology.

A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.

It's not called cocaine any more. It's now referred to as "Crack Classic."

I could not be a fireman. If I got to a house and it was fully on fire, fuck that, I quit. I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everyone else. And the woman next to me would be like, "Please, my son, he’s screaming in there!" I’d be like, "Well, he’s probably on fire."