Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.

My little sister tried to run away from home once. But, just a few hours later, somebody found the body.

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!

As a recovering addict I know resentments are trouble so I have none except resenting myself.

I'm like a finger in the ass; you don't know if it's going to be the best orgasm of your life or you're just going to shit the bed.

I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.

I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

I never looked at Gallagher like he was a threat to me.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

White people talking about how Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves. No he didn't; polyester did. They stopped wearing cotton; they had to let us go.

There's something about having a great bottle of wine and a great cigar. Nothing compares to it.