Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
Hard work is fine if its a work of passion but just to work hard to buy shit to impress people. You're a fucking loser.
I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.
My feeling on entertainers that get all upset about wanting their private life, I go, ‘You chose this business.’ If you want your private life that much, stay in the house.
I love stand-up. I look at it as a way to always stay productive. I couldn't imagine only being an actor or a writer. Because what the hell do I do when I'm not working? Mope?
I buried my grandmother last year. It was devastating for my grandfather. He's still really mad at me.
Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.
A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
We survived the 1980's. Back then, the economic program was called "trickle down." That actually meant they were pissing on you. How the whole theory goes was this: "We have all the money. If we drop some, it's yours. Go for it."
I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!
I'm going to be talking about food, being fat, and being over 50 - all the 'F' words.
What's wrong with death sir? What are we so mortally afraid of? Why can't we treat death with a certain amount of humanity and dignity and decency and, God forbid, maybe even humor. Death is not the enemy, gentlemen. If we're going to fight a disease, let's fight one of the most terrible diseases of all, indifference.