Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

I made the grandkids laugh. John Madden finally liked me!

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

As a recovering addict I know resentments are trouble so I have none except resenting myself.

If you've ever thought of jumping off of a tall building, there was a guy who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. He survived, and he said this, he said "halfway down, I thought it was a bad idea."

I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.

Every generation thinks they invented sex, which is the stupidest assumption in the world because if that was the case, you wouldn't even be here.

I don’t know if you can tell, but I grew up watching a lot of television.

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, “A teaspoon before going to bed,” and in one day he uses seven bottles.

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious - nobody saw me.

I wanted to be a leading man - the black lawyer, the black doctor, the black policeman.

Ambition beats genius 99 percent of the time.

Hard work is fine if its a work of passion but just to work hard to buy shit to impress people. You're a fucking loser.

Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone's grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.

I love stand-up. I look at it as a way to always stay productive. I couldn't imagine only being an actor or a writer. Because what the hell do I do when I'm not working? Mope?

I hate Tom Cruise... In TV interviews Tom laughs inappropriately and much too vociferously at non-humorous declarative statements, which is ironic because in real life he can’t take a fucking joke at all. All you have to do is make one simple, little, harmless, innocuous aside like, 'The Scientology spaceship was late today; it had to stop by Fire Island to pick up Tom Cruise,' and he has a pack of lawyers at your door faster than Katie Holmes can say, 'No, really, he loves me in that way, I swear.'