Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"

My friends went over to Europe and they brought back a magazine called Piss Drinkers magazine. Now what was really creepy about it was: this was issue 8, volume 22 of Piss Drinkers. It’s a 22-year-old magazine.

What's a pirate minus the ship? Just a creative homeless guy.

If we all die and there is no God, then it’s just eternal unconsciousness, you’ll never know, but if you’re wrong... you’ll know forever.

I never looked at Gallagher like he was a threat to me.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

A friend told me to listen to my heart. Another friend told me to listen to my gut. Maybe I need an autopsy, because right now my colon is kind of iffy.

I'm not gonna lie, I love the holidays. But Christmas was a lot more fun when you weren't paying for it.

Into the mud, scum queen!

So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from?

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.

I love you with every cell, with every atom. I love you on a subatomic level.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

I go in for the eye test, and I don't know about you, but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam. You don't want to get no 'D' on that thing and end up with these big thick Coke bottle glasses.

Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!"