Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

Everyone has seen their dad's penis. Yes, you have. Don't do this to me, New York. Yes, you have. Yes, you have. You have seen your dad's penis. Oh, right. Raise your hands if you've seen your dad's penis. You are fucking lying to me! How am I, as a British person, the least repressed human being in this room?!

When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me.

We survived the 1980's. Back then, the economic program was called "trickle down." That actually meant they were pissing on you. How the whole theory goes was this: "We have all the money. If we drop some, it's yours. Go for it."

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

When the show don't be funny, I take my dick out and piss. This is called The Garden Row.

My feeling on entertainers that get all upset about wanting their private life, I go, ‘You chose this business.’ If you want your private life that much, stay in the house.

Sledge-O-Matic removes unwanted fingerprints from walls. Sledge-O-Matic also removes unwanted walls from fingerprints.

I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

Some people say, “Ya, I don’t have to drink to have a good time.” Okay ya, but that means you have to have a good time to have a good time.

And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I love stand-up. I look at it as a way to always stay productive. I couldn't imagine only being an actor or a writer. Because what the hell do I do when I'm not working? Mope?

I didn't really have a plan of attack when I got in college.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.