Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
I don’t like thank you cards because I don’t know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? "See Front."
Every bad decision I’ve ever made has been based on money. I grew up in the projects and you don’t turn down money there. You take it, because you never know when it’s all going to end. I made Cop III because they offered me $15 million. That $15 million was worth having Roger Ebert’s thumb up my ass.
Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to be making jokes about that. Who wants to miss out on that? If the world is going to end, I want to be there the night before, goofing off.
I love tea. Mmmm. I know I'm getting old because I'm startin' get excited about tea. Just sitting in the loungeroom bored ya no. Somebody goes "You want a cup of tea?" and I go "Oar he hor." Start feeling a little bit depressed when it gets to the bottom, I think to myself I'll just make myself another cup, I can feel happy again.
I was walking through the park. I had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know... I should have heard them hiding.
You know why Madison Avenue advertising has never done well in Harlem? We're the only ones who know what it means to be Brand X.
Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a Presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy.
A friend told me to listen to my heart. Another friend told me to listen to my gut. Maybe I need an autopsy, because right now my colon is kind of iffy.
Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"
I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.