Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
Kids, man, they’re way too honest. They’re like mini-alcoholics.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.
I just want to put some positive stuff out there. If it works, great. If it doesn't, no problem.
I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.
I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
I could not be a fireman. If I got to a house and it was fully on fire, fuck that, I quit. I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everyone else. And the woman next to me would be like, "Please, my son, he’s screaming in there!" I’d be like, "Well, he’s probably on fire."
Most of the time I live with my pain. I have pain but I won't show it around. I think that's the nobility of the character. There's something noble in not spewing on people all the time about your problems. I'm the light guy, so I identified.
I had to sneak into my living room, and we had hardwood floors. Those floors suck for cheating because every step you take just taunts you. You know, every step you're like, 'Cheeeeater!' 'Liar!' 'Herpes, herpes, herpes!'
Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.
My little sister tried to run away from home once. But, just a few hours later, somebody found the body.
If we all die and there is no God, then it’s just eternal unconsciousness, you’ll never know, but if you’re wrong... you’ll know forever.