Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!

Everybody really needs to laugh... If you don't laugh, you're not going to live long.

I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

Most of the time I live with my pain. I have pain but I won't show it around. I think that's the nobility of the character. There's something noble in not spewing on people all the time about your problems. I'm the light guy, so I identified.

I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I never looked at Gallagher like he was a threat to me.

I want a woman that's going to arouse my intellect as well as my lions.

A friend told me to listen to my heart. Another friend told me to listen to my gut. Maybe I need an autopsy, because right now my colon is kind of iffy.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

Carrot Top is a nickname that people call me and I thought that it was more marketable.

Larry King's been married eight times. Eight times! Jesus, man. You've got 99 problems and bitches are all of them!

If we all die and there is no God, then it’s just eternal unconsciousness, you’ll never know, but if you’re wrong... you’ll know forever.