Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks".
Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.
When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
I just want to put some positive stuff out there. If it works, great. If it doesn't, no problem.
I had to sneak into my living room, and we had hardwood floors. Those floors suck for cheating because every step you take just taunts you. You know, every step you're like, 'Cheeeeater!' 'Liar!' 'Herpes, herpes, herpes!'
I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
You know what they would do? They would come to my elementary school with films to show me how to protect myself from a nuclear-fuck-holocaust. They would show this giant nuclear-fucking-bomb just blowing the shit out of everything. Goats and monkeys flying everywhere. The windows of the elementary school blown out, the teacher banged up against the fucking blackboard. But there were the children... hiding safely under their desks.
If we all die and there is no God, then it’s just eternal unconsciousness, you’ll never know, but if you’re wrong... you’ll know forever.
Most of the time I live with my pain. I have pain but I won't show it around. I think that's the nobility of the character. There's something noble in not spewing on people all the time about your problems. I'm the light guy, so I identified.
I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!