Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

Most of the time I live with my pain. I have pain but I won't show it around. I think that's the nobility of the character. There's something noble in not spewing on people all the time about your problems. I'm the light guy, so I identified.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

I just want to put some positive stuff out there. If it works, great. If it doesn't, no problem.

I never looked at Gallagher like he was a threat to me.

I’m circumcised ‘cause I don’t cum from the hood.

Sometimes if a woman has a really nice butt she'll wear tight pants. And then everyone looks at her butt when she walks by. That's nice, but it seems like a waste. Everybody's looking there, I feel like we should put important information on the butt. We should put the photos of missing children right on there.

If we all die and there is no God, then it’s just eternal unconsciousness, you’ll never know, but if you’re wrong... you’ll know forever.

Ambition beats genius 99 percent of the time.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go ‘God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They’re fast. Back to you Bob.’

Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"

I spit on education. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.