Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a Presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy.

I never looked at Gallagher like he was a threat to me.

Every bad decision I’ve ever made has been based on money. I grew up in the projects and you don’t turn down money there. You take it, because you never know when it’s all going to end. I made Cop III because they offered me $15 million. That $15 million was worth having Roger Ebert’s thumb up my ass.

You can prick your finger - just don’t finger your prick.

I was walking through the park. I had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know... I should have heard them hiding.

Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

I made the grandkids laugh. John Madden finally liked me!

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I go in for the eye test, and I don't know about you, but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam. You don't want to get no 'D' on that thing and end up with these big thick Coke bottle glasses.

A friend told me to listen to my heart. Another friend told me to listen to my gut. Maybe I need an autopsy, because right now my colon is kind of iffy.

What's a pirate minus the ship? Just a creative homeless guy.

You'll always feel good about your body when you go to the International House of Pancakes - no matter what your body is - because there's always someone there who weighs 350 pounds more than you’ll ever weigh.

Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!"

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.