Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I had to sneak into my living room, and we had hardwood floors. Those floors suck for cheating because every step you take just taunts you. You know, every step you're like, 'Cheeeeater!' 'Liar!' 'Herpes, herpes, herpes!'

My uncle Jack. We are at the funeral, and we weren’t even outside. We were in the church! And the reverend had just finished his eulogy, when we heard, “Psshhh!” And everyone turned to uncle Jack, who was holding a beer, going, “What?”

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

White people don't forget shit. 'Cause the next brother Johnny Cochran would have represented would have got all O.J.'s time. "Double life? For speeding? You bullshittin'!"

As a recovering addict I know resentments are trouble so I have none except resenting myself.

Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone's grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.

My little sister tried to run away from home once. But, just a few hours later, somebody found the body.