Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say ‘Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.’
Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.
Sledge-O-Matic removes unwanted fingerprints from walls. Sledge-O-Matic also removes unwanted walls from fingerprints.
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
You'll always feel good about your body when you go to the International House of Pancakes - no matter what your body is - because there's always someone there who weighs 350 pounds more than you’ll ever weigh.
Who doesn't like movies? Who has ever said, "Hey, you wanna go see a movie?" "Fuck that and fuck your movies! It’s ridiculous, the whole idea of it! It’s just wrong and fake and no!"
This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, “A teaspoon before going to bed,” and in one day he uses seven bottles.
I hate Tom Cruise... In TV interviews Tom laughs inappropriately and much too vociferously at non-humorous declarative statements, which is ironic because in real life he can’t take a fucking joke at all. All you have to do is make one simple, little, harmless, innocuous aside like, 'The Scientology spaceship was late today; it had to stop by Fire Island to pick up Tom Cruise,' and he has a pack of lawyers at your door faster than Katie Holmes can say, 'No, really, he loves me in that way, I swear.'
I wanted to be a leading man - the black lawyer, the black doctor, the black policeman.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
I could not be a fireman. If I got to a house and it was fully on fire, fuck that, I quit. I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everyone else. And the woman next to me would be like, "Please, my son, he’s screaming in there!" I’d be like, "Well, he’s probably on fire."
People are always like, "Oh, she's such a bitch." I'm like, "Yeah, I am a bitch, actually."