Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
Sledge-O-Matic removes unwanted fingerprints from walls. Sledge-O-Matic also removes unwanted walls from fingerprints.
There's nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her - because the kid can tell.
You'll always feel good about your body when you go to the International House of Pancakes - no matter what your body is - because there's always someone there who weighs 350 pounds more than you’ll ever weigh.
I love stand-up. I look at it as a way to always stay productive. I couldn't imagine only being an actor or a writer. Because what the hell do I do when I'm not working? Mope?
I buried my grandmother last year. It was devastating for my grandfather. He's still really mad at me.
Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.
We survived the 1980's. Back then, the economic program was called "trickle down." That actually meant they were pissing on you. How the whole theory goes was this: "We have all the money. If we drop some, it's yours. Go for it."
My feeling on entertainers that get all upset about wanting their private life, I go, ‘You chose this business.’ If you want your private life that much, stay in the house.
I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone's grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.
A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
I could not be a fireman. If I got to a house and it was fully on fire, fuck that, I quit. I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everyone else. And the woman next to me would be like, "Please, my son, he’s screaming in there!" I’d be like, "Well, he’s probably on fire."