Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
You know you're getting old when kids start to dress like you used to and movies are made about your teen life.
You might be a redneck if an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life.
I will shut down Instagram so girls can’t use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you’re eyes aren’t that blue, and you don’t glow.
People believe that Hanukkah is celebrated for eight days, and that's a 'liar, liar, pants on fire' situation. Most Jewish families don't make it past the fourth day. It doesn't happen - 'Come on, aren't we going to light the lights?' 'Eh, no. Enough's enough.'
What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.
I love my hunting dog. I loved my hunting dog - I'm not very good at hunting.
Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!"
You know why Madison Avenue advertising has never done well in Harlem? We're the only ones who know what it means to be Brand X.
I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a Presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy.
I was walking through the park. I had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know... I should have heard them hiding.
My friends went over to Europe and they brought back a magazine called Piss Drinkers magazine. Now what was really creepy about it was: this was issue 8, volume 22 of Piss Drinkers. It’s a 22-year-old magazine.