Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
Who doesn't like movies? Who has ever said, "Hey, you wanna go see a movie?" "Fuck that and fuck your movies! It’s ridiculous, the whole idea of it! It’s just wrong and fake and no!"
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious - nobody saw me.
When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.
This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, “A teaspoon before going to bed,” and in one day he uses seven bottles.
I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.
You'll always feel good about your body when you go to the International House of Pancakes - no matter what your body is - because there's always someone there who weighs 350 pounds more than you’ll ever weigh.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
People are always like, "Oh, she's such a bitch." I'm like, "Yeah, I am a bitch, actually."
It sure is a beautiful day. Know why? My wife walked out on me. Isn't that nice? I'm so glad the bitch is gone.
Sledge-O-Matic removes unwanted fingerprints from walls. Sledge-O-Matic also removes unwanted walls from fingerprints.