Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.

A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.

Sledge-O-Matic removes unwanted fingerprints from walls. Sledge-O-Matic also removes unwanted walls from fingerprints.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I could not be a fireman. If I got to a house and it was fully on fire, fuck that, I quit. I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everyone else. And the woman next to me would be like, "Please, my son, he’s screaming in there!" I’d be like, "Well, he’s probably on fire."

People are always like, "Oh, she's such a bitch." I'm like, "Yeah, I am a bitch, actually."

I swear some days I think I owe my toilet an apology.

I wanted to be a leading man - the black lawyer, the black doctor, the black policeman.

I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.

Who doesn't like movies? Who has ever said, "Hey, you wanna go see a movie?" "Fuck that and fuck your movies! It’s ridiculous, the whole idea of it! It’s just wrong and fake and no!"

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

I hate Tom Cruise... In TV interviews Tom laughs inappropriately and much too vociferously at non-humorous declarative statements, which is ironic because in real life he can’t take a fucking joke at all. All you have to do is make one simple, little, harmless, innocuous aside like, 'The Scientology spaceship was late today; it had to stop by Fire Island to pick up Tom Cruise,' and he has a pack of lawyers at your door faster than Katie Holmes can say, 'No, really, he loves me in that way, I swear.'

What's a pirate minus the ship? Just a creative homeless guy.

If you've ever thought of jumping off of a tall building, there was a guy who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. He survived, and he said this, he said "halfway down, I thought it was a bad idea."