Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

My friends went over to Europe and they brought back a magazine called Piss Drinkers magazine. Now what was really creepy about it was: this was issue 8, volume 22 of Piss Drinkers. It’s a 22-year-old magazine.

So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from?

What's a pirate minus the ship? Just a creative homeless guy.

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.

If we all die and there is no God, then it’s just eternal unconsciousness, you’ll never know, but if you’re wrong... you’ll know forever.

Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a Presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy.

James Cagney, who said to Mickey Mouse, "You dirty rat!" Never got a dinner!

I go in for the eye test, and I don't know about you, but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam. You don't want to get no 'D' on that thing and end up with these big thick Coke bottle glasses.

A friend told me to listen to my heart. Another friend told me to listen to my gut. Maybe I need an autopsy, because right now my colon is kind of iffy.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!"

I never looked at Gallagher like he was a threat to me.

I love you with every cell, with every atom. I love you on a subatomic level.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

Into the mud, scum queen!