Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

Everyone has seen their dad's penis. Yes, you have. Don't do this to me, New York. Yes, you have. Yes, you have. You have seen your dad's penis. Oh, right. Raise your hands if you've seen your dad's penis. You are fucking lying to me! How am I, as a British person, the least repressed human being in this room?!

If we all die and there is no God, then it’s just eternal unconsciousness, you’ll never know, but if you’re wrong... you’ll know forever.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

I buried my grandmother last year. It was devastating for my grandfather. He's still really mad at me.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I made the grandkids laugh. John Madden finally liked me!

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks".

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

I don't need somebody behind a desk to tell me what a marketing survey says is funny. I got 3 million miles and 70,000 tickets sold, telling me that I know how to make people laugh.

Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone's grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.

And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

Everybody really needs to laugh... If you don't laugh, you're not going to live long.