Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
My sister loves dirty comedy. She'll laugh hysterically at every foul word, every titillating premise, every fart noise and every faggot impression. It will come as no surprise then, when I tell you that her favorite comic is Janeane Garofalo. She thinks she's really cool. Her favorite movie moment of all time is that scene in "The Truth About Cats and Dogs" when Janeane's character, on roller skates, is pulled down the street by a couple of dogs. Regardless of where you are on the whole alternative comedy debate, you gotta admit, that shit was funny.
Who doesn't like movies? Who has ever said, "Hey, you wanna go see a movie?" "Fuck that and fuck your movies! It’s ridiculous, the whole idea of it! It’s just wrong and fake and no!"
I went to Dayton, Ohio, recently. Know what's a fun thing to do there? Pack up and get the fuck out, that's what.
You might be a redneck if you work with a shirt off... and so does your husband.
This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.
You might be a redneck if you've ever had your nipple bitten off by a beaver.
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, “A teaspoon before going to bed,” and in one day he uses seven bottles.
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
It sure is a beautiful day. Know why? My wife walked out on me. Isn't that nice? I'm so glad the bitch is gone.
The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
I love tea. Mmmm. I know I'm getting old because I'm startin' get excited about tea. Just sitting in the loungeroom bored ya no. Somebody goes "You want a cup of tea?" and I go "Oar he hor." Start feeling a little bit depressed when it gets to the bottom, I think to myself I'll just make myself another cup, I can feel happy again.