Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

Three blokes go into a pub. Well, I say three; could be four or five. Could be nine or ten, doesn't matter. Could have been fifteen, twenty - fifty. Round it up. Hundred. Let's go mad, eh - two-fifty. Tell you what, double it up - five hundred. Thousand! Oh, I've gone mad! Two thousand! Five thousand! (adopting auctioneer persona) Anyone? Five thousand, six thou, six thousand, ten thousand! Small town in Hertfordshire goes into a pub! Fifteen thousand blokes! Alright, let's go - population of Rotterdam. The Hague. Whole of Northern Holland. Mainland U.K. Let's go all the way to the top - Europe, alright? Whole of Europe goes - I say Europe. Could be Eurasia. Not the band, obviously, that's just two of them. Alright, continents - North America! Plus South America! Plus Antartica - that's just eight blokes in a weather station. Not a good example. Alright, make it a lot simpler, all the blokes on the planet go into the pub, right? And the first bloke goes up to the bar and he says "I'll get these in." What an idiot!

I want a woman that's going to arouse my intellect as well as my lions.

My friends went over to Europe and they brought back a magazine called Piss Drinkers magazine. Now what was really creepy about it was: this was issue 8, volume 22 of Piss Drinkers. It’s a 22-year-old magazine.

I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

There's something about having a great bottle of wine and a great cigar. Nothing compares to it.

As a recovering addict I know resentments are trouble so I have none except resenting myself.

I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

Everybody really needs to laugh... If you don't laugh, you're not going to live long.

I'm like a finger in the ass; you don't know if it's going to be the best orgasm of your life or you're just going to shit the bed.

I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.