Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks".
You can't fire white folk. You fire white folk, you'd best believe somebody gettin' shot that day. "I'm fired? I'll be right back, you sons of bitches...!" You fire a brother, we be mad for a different reason. "How come you didn't call me at home, motherfucker? You knew I was fired yesterday! Makin' me burn up all my goddamn gas..."
Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"
There's nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her - because the kid can tell.
I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!
As a recovering addict I know resentments are trouble so I have none except resenting myself.
My uncle Jack. We are at the funeral, and we weren’t even outside. We were in the church! And the reverend had just finished his eulogy, when we heard, “Psshhh!” And everyone turned to uncle Jack, who was holding a beer, going, “What?”
Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.
Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone's grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.
When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me.
I could not be a fireman. If I got to a house and it was fully on fire, fuck that, I quit. I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everyone else. And the woman next to me would be like, "Please, my son, he’s screaming in there!" I’d be like, "Well, he’s probably on fire."
Everyone has seen their dad's penis. Yes, you have. Don't do this to me, New York. Yes, you have. Yes, you have. You have seen your dad's penis. Oh, right. Raise your hands if you've seen your dad's penis. You are fucking lying to me! How am I, as a British person, the least repressed human being in this room?!