Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!"

I never looked at Gallagher like he was a threat to me.

I'm not gonna lie, I love the holidays. But Christmas was a lot more fun when you weren't paying for it.

The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy.

So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from?

I don’t know if you can tell, but I grew up watching a lot of television.

Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a Presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

A friend told me to listen to my heart. Another friend told me to listen to my gut. Maybe I need an autopsy, because right now my colon is kind of iffy.

Into the mud, scum queen!

Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"

My theory has always been that everyone in show business is there because they were deprived of some attention as a child.

If we all die and there is no God, then it’s just eternal unconsciousness, you’ll never know, but if you’re wrong... you’ll know forever.

James Cagney, who said to Mickey Mouse, "You dirty rat!" Never got a dinner!

When you don't take an aggressive role in shaping your thoughts, feelings, and perceptions, you become a helpless passenger floating through the universe like a ghost ship, merely reacting to wherever it takes you.