Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

There's nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her - because the kid can tell.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Alcohol! Tastes great, I love it, you love it, we all love it. Kills motherfuckers every single day. Some of you all won't even make it home tonight 'cause of alcohol. You'll be like, "Oh, that Chris Rock sure is funny, oh! Shit!" But it's all right 'cause it's all white. Cigarettes! Cigarette's the most dangerous product known to man. Kills motherfuckers every single day. Cigarette's so dangerous it kills motherfuckers that don't smoke. That's how dangerous cigarettes are. That's right, first hand smoke, second hand smoke. People talking out of their necks into a fucking machine like, "Hey, what's up, man, I love cigarettes, this shit is cool." But it's all right 'cause it's all white. Shit, could you imagine if the Philip Morris family was a bunch of jheri-curled niggas from Mississippi? Do you know how illegal a pack of cigarettes would be? You would get sixty years just for a pack of Newports. But it's all right, 'cause it's all white.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

My uncle Jack. We are at the funeral, and we weren’t even outside. We were in the church! And the reverend had just finished his eulogy, when we heard, “Psshhh!” And everyone turned to uncle Jack, who was holding a beer, going, “What?”

Everybody really needs to laugh... If you don't laugh, you're not going to live long.

Sledge-O-Matic removes unwanted fingerprints from walls. Sledge-O-Matic also removes unwanted walls from fingerprints.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I love stand-up. I look at it as a way to always stay productive. I couldn't imagine only being an actor or a writer. Because what the hell do I do when I'm not working? Mope?

I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!

I didn't really have a plan of attack when I got in college.

White people don't forget shit. 'Cause the next brother Johnny Cochran would have represented would have got all O.J.'s time. "Double life? For speeding? You bullshittin'!"

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.

You remember my neighbor with the burns on 90 percent of her body? Well, she burned the other 10 percent now. She was lighting a fart and her bush caught fire!

And that's the way the cookie crumbles.