Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Everyone has seen their dad's penis. Yes, you have. Don't do this to me, New York. Yes, you have. Yes, you have. You have seen your dad's penis. Oh, right. Raise your hands if you've seen your dad's penis. You are fucking lying to me! How am I, as a British person, the least repressed human being in this room?!

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I could not be a fireman. If I got to a house and it was fully on fire, fuck that, I quit. I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everyone else. And the woman next to me would be like, "Please, my son, he’s screaming in there!" I’d be like, "Well, he’s probably on fire."

I had to sneak into my living room, and we had hardwood floors. Those floors suck for cheating because every step you take just taunts you. You know, every step you're like, 'Cheeeeater!' 'Liar!' 'Herpes, herpes, herpes!'

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

Most of the time I live with my pain. I have pain but I won't show it around. I think that's the nobility of the character. There's something noble in not spewing on people all the time about your problems. I'm the light guy, so I identified.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

If we all die and there is no God, then it’s just eternal unconsciousness, you’ll never know, but if you’re wrong... you’ll know forever.

My little sister tried to run away from home once. But, just a few hours later, somebody found the body.

You know what they would do? They would come to my elementary school with films to show me how to protect myself from a nuclear-fuck-holocaust. They would show this giant nuclear-fucking-bomb just blowing the shit out of everything. Goats and monkeys flying everywhere. The windows of the elementary school blown out, the teacher banged up against the fucking blackboard. But there were the children... hiding safely under their desks.