Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

White people talking about how Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves. No he didn't; polyester did. They stopped wearing cotton; they had to let us go.

There's something about having a great bottle of wine and a great cigar. Nothing compares to it.

Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone's grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.

And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!

You might be a redneck if you've ever had your nipple bitten off by a beaver.

I could not be a fireman. If I got to a house and it was fully on fire, fuck that, I quit. I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everyone else. And the woman next to me would be like, "Please, my son, he’s screaming in there!" I’d be like, "Well, he’s probably on fire."

As a recovering addict I know resentments are trouble so I have none except resenting myself.

My friends went over to Europe and they brought back a magazine called Piss Drinkers magazine. Now what was really creepy about it was: this was issue 8, volume 22 of Piss Drinkers. It’s a 22-year-old magazine.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.