Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
White people don't forget shit. 'Cause the next brother Johnny Cochran would have represented would have got all O.J.'s time. "Double life? For speeding? You bullshittin'!"
I hate Tom Cruise... In TV interviews Tom laughs inappropriately and much too vociferously at non-humorous declarative statements, which is ironic because in real life he can’t take a fucking joke at all. All you have to do is make one simple, little, harmless, innocuous aside like, 'The Scientology spaceship was late today; it had to stop by Fire Island to pick up Tom Cruise,' and he has a pack of lawyers at your door faster than Katie Holmes can say, 'No, really, he loves me in that way, I swear.'
Everybody really needs to laugh... If you don't laugh, you're not going to live long.
My feeling on entertainers that get all upset about wanting their private life, I go, ‘You chose this business.’ If you want your private life that much, stay in the house.
I'm going to be talking about food, being fat, and being over 50 - all the 'F' words.
People are always like, "Oh, she's such a bitch." I'm like, "Yeah, I am a bitch, actually."
A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.
I love stand-up. I look at it as a way to always stay productive. I couldn't imagine only being an actor or a writer. Because what the hell do I do when I'm not working? Mope?
I buried my grandmother last year. It was devastating for my grandfather. He's still really mad at me.
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
I could not be a fireman. If I got to a house and it was fully on fire, fuck that, I quit. I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everyone else. And the woman next to me would be like, "Please, my son, he’s screaming in there!" I’d be like, "Well, he’s probably on fire."
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.