Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

My friends went over to Europe and they brought back a magazine called Piss Drinkers magazine. Now what was really creepy about it was: this was issue 8, volume 22 of Piss Drinkers. It’s a 22-year-old magazine.

I made the grandkids laugh. John Madden finally liked me!

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!

You might be a redneck if you've ever had your nipple bitten off by a beaver.

I could not be a fireman. If I got to a house and it was fully on fire, fuck that, I quit. I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everyone else. And the woman next to me would be like, "Please, my son, he’s screaming in there!" I’d be like, "Well, he’s probably on fire."

There's something about having a great bottle of wine and a great cigar. Nothing compares to it.

My little sister tried to run away from home once. But, just a few hours later, somebody found the body.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

As a recovering addict I know resentments are trouble so I have none except resenting myself.

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.