Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

I could not be a fireman. If I got to a house and it was fully on fire, fuck that, I quit. I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everyone else. And the woman next to me would be like, "Please, my son, he’s screaming in there!" I’d be like, "Well, he’s probably on fire."

Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!

White people don't forget shit. 'Cause the next brother Johnny Cochran would have represented would have got all O.J.'s time. "Double life? For speeding? You bullshittin'!"

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

I never looked at Gallagher like he was a threat to me.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My friends went over to Europe and they brought back a magazine called Piss Drinkers magazine. Now what was really creepy about it was: this was issue 8, volume 22 of Piss Drinkers. It’s a 22-year-old magazine.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.

There's something about having a great bottle of wine and a great cigar. Nothing compares to it.

As a recovering addict I know resentments are trouble so I have none except resenting myself.

Everybody really needs to laugh... If you don't laugh, you're not going to live long.

I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.

I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!