Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

I made the grandkids laugh. John Madden finally liked me!

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If you've ever thought of jumping off of a tall building, there was a guy who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. He survived, and he said this, he said "halfway down, I thought it was a bad idea."

I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!

Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

I couldn't do any of my other characters, you know? But I could have done the lady. Church Lady's Malibu Beach party is an idea I have for a movie, too. Yes.

My feeling on entertainers that get all upset about wanting their private life, I go, ‘You chose this business.’ If you want your private life that much, stay in the house.

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

I didn't really have a plan of attack when I got in college.

It's not called cocaine any more. It's now referred to as "Crack Classic."

Sledge-O-Matic removes unwanted fingerprints from walls. Sledge-O-Matic also removes unwanted walls from fingerprints.