Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
Most of the time I live with my pain. I have pain but I won't show it around. I think that's the nobility of the character. There's something noble in not spewing on people all the time about your problems. I'm the light guy, so I identified.
When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me.
Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone's grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.
Some people say, “Ya, I don’t have to drink to have a good time.” Okay ya, but that means you have to have a good time to have a good time.
Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.
My feeling on entertainers that get all upset about wanting their private life, I go, ‘You chose this business.’ If you want your private life that much, stay in the house.
Sledge-O-Matic removes unwanted fingerprints from walls. Sledge-O-Matic also removes unwanted walls from fingerprints.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, “A teaspoon before going to bed,” and in one day he uses seven bottles.