Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
I buried my grandmother last year. It was devastating for my grandfather. He's still really mad at me.
I had to sneak into my living room, and we had hardwood floors. Those floors suck for cheating because every step you take just taunts you. You know, every step you're like, 'Cheeeeater!' 'Liar!' 'Herpes, herpes, herpes!'
Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.
When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.
Everyone has seen their dad's penis. Yes, you have. Don't do this to me, New York. Yes, you have. Yes, you have. You have seen your dad's penis. Oh, right. Raise your hands if you've seen your dad's penis. You are fucking lying to me! How am I, as a British person, the least repressed human being in this room?!
If we all die and there is no God, then it’s just eternal unconsciousness, you’ll never know, but if you’re wrong... you’ll know forever.
I just want to put some positive stuff out there. If it works, great. If it doesn't, no problem.
I don't need somebody behind a desk to tell me what a marketing survey says is funny. I got 3 million miles and 70,000 tickets sold, telling me that I know how to make people laugh.
Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone's grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.
Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"
I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks".
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.