Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

You'll always feel good about your body when you go to the International House of Pancakes - no matter what your body is - because there's always someone there who weighs 350 pounds more than you’ll ever weigh.

Who doesn't like movies? Who has ever said, "Hey, you wanna go see a movie?" "Fuck that and fuck your movies! It’s ridiculous, the whole idea of it! It’s just wrong and fake and no!"

I don’t know if you can tell, but I grew up watching a lot of television.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

I could not be a fireman. If I got to a house and it was fully on fire, fuck that, I quit. I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everyone else. And the woman next to me would be like, "Please, my son, he’s screaming in there!" I’d be like, "Well, he’s probably on fire."

As a recovering addict I know resentments are trouble so I have none except resenting myself.

Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone's grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.

I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I love stand-up. I look at it as a way to always stay productive. I couldn't imagine only being an actor or a writer. Because what the hell do I do when I'm not working? Mope?

I made the grandkids laugh. John Madden finally liked me!

Ambition beats genius 99 percent of the time.

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, “A teaspoon before going to bed,” and in one day he uses seven bottles.

People are always like, "Oh, she's such a bitch." I'm like, "Yeah, I am a bitch, actually."

Everybody really needs to laugh... If you don't laugh, you're not going to live long.