Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
It's not called cocaine any more. It's now referred to as "Crack Classic."
A friend told me to listen to my heart. Another friend told me to listen to my gut. Maybe I need an autopsy, because right now my colon is kind of iffy.
Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
I love stand-up. I look at it as a way to always stay productive. I couldn't imagine only being an actor or a writer. Because what the hell do I do when I'm not working? Mope?
Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone's grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.
There's nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her - because the kid can tell.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
That was funny, yet sad. Kind of like getting tit-fucked by a clown.
As a recovering addict I know resentments are trouble so I have none except resenting myself.
My little sister tried to run away from home once. But, just a few hours later, somebody found the body.
You know you're getting old when kids start to dress like you used to and movies are made about your teen life.