Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!
Kids, man, they’re way too honest. They’re like mini-alcoholics.
White people don't forget shit. 'Cause the next brother Johnny Cochran would have represented would have got all O.J.'s time. "Double life? For speeding? You bullshittin'!"
White people talking about how Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves. No he didn't; polyester did. They stopped wearing cotton; they had to let us go.
There's something about having a great bottle of wine and a great cigar. Nothing compares to it.
My uncle Jack. We are at the funeral, and we weren’t even outside. We were in the church! And the reverend had just finished his eulogy, when we heard, “Psshhh!” And everyone turned to uncle Jack, who was holding a beer, going, “What?”
Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.
Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone's grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.
When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.
I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.
I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
My little sister tried to run away from home once. But, just a few hours later, somebody found the body.