Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
The best thing about where comedy is now is if you have a little bit of talent and a strong work ethic, and strong social skills, you can make a name for yourself and you can make money.
Most of the time I live with my pain. I have pain but I won't show it around. I think that's the nobility of the character. There's something noble in not spewing on people all the time about your problems. I'm the light guy, so I identified.
I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
There's something about having a great bottle of wine and a great cigar. Nothing compares to it.
My uncle Jack. We are at the funeral, and we weren’t even outside. We were in the church! And the reverend had just finished his eulogy, when we heard, “Psshhh!” And everyone turned to uncle Jack, who was holding a beer, going, “What?”
I just had a baby girl. My daughter weighed 27 pounds. She was 3 years old. She was delivered to me by way of the court system and a blood test.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
White people talking about how Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves. No he didn't; polyester did. They stopped wearing cotton; they had to let us go.
Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.
Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone's grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.
My little sister tried to run away from home once. But, just a few hours later, somebody found the body.
When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.
White people don't forget shit. 'Cause the next brother Johnny Cochran would have represented would have got all O.J.'s time. "Double life? For speeding? You bullshittin'!"