Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
Larry King's been married eight times. Eight times! Jesus, man. You've got 99 problems and bitches are all of them!
When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.
Old peoples' skin sags because it's being pulled toward the underworld.
I called them up, "Ya, I have ten boxes; can you come pick them up?" "We need to know the weight and the girth." "Okay, good-bye." So I called back. "We need the weight and the girth." "Okay, I don't know what the weight is, and um, I don't know what girth means... So now what's the procedure?" So this guy talks to me like I'm four years old. "Well do you have a bathroom scale?" "Uh, ya but if I put the box on the scale it's gonna cover up the numbers!" What, do I take it off really quick? Ah, zero: I'm not fast enough. What's he talking about? So then he gives me his Mister Wizard Formula, "How about if you stand on the scale and weigh yourself and get off the scale. Pick up the box, get back on, weigh you and the box together, and subtract your own weight." I'm going, "Slow down. Hold on professor." I know this guys never tried this, because I tried it and you still can't see the numbers! Then I had to hang up in the middle of his girth formula.
People are always like, "Oh, she's such a bitch." I'm like, "Yeah, I am a bitch, actually."
I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
That was funny, yet sad. Kind of like getting tit-fucked by a clown.
Carrot Top is a nickname that people call me and I thought that it was more marketable.
Most of the time I live with my pain. I have pain but I won't show it around. I think that's the nobility of the character. There's something noble in not spewing on people all the time about your problems. I'm the light guy, so I identified.
Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"
My friends went over to Europe and they brought back a magazine called Piss Drinkers magazine. Now what was really creepy about it was: this was issue 8, volume 22 of Piss Drinkers. It’s a 22-year-old magazine.
Sometimes if a woman has a really nice butt she'll wear tight pants. And then everyone looks at her butt when she walks by. That's nice, but it seems like a waste. Everybody's looking there, I feel like we should put important information on the butt. We should put the photos of missing children right on there.