Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Everyone has seen their dad's penis. Yes, you have. Don't do this to me, New York. Yes, you have. Yes, you have. You have seen your dad's penis. Oh, right. Raise your hands if you've seen your dad's penis. You are fucking lying to me! How am I, as a British person, the least repressed human being in this room?!
I just want to put some positive stuff out there. If it works, great. If it doesn't, no problem.
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks".
I don't need somebody behind a desk to tell me what a marketing survey says is funny. I got 3 million miles and 70,000 tickets sold, telling me that I know how to make people laugh.
Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.
As a recovering addict I know resentments are trouble so I have none except resenting myself.
My uncle Jack. We are at the funeral, and we weren’t even outside. We were in the church! And the reverend had just finished his eulogy, when we heard, “Psshhh!” And everyone turned to uncle Jack, who was holding a beer, going, “What?”
I wanted something where I could have the clearest and most unfiltered artistic and creative voice.
When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me.
I had to sneak into my living room, and we had hardwood floors. Those floors suck for cheating because every step you take just taunts you. You know, every step you're like, 'Cheeeeater!' 'Liar!' 'Herpes, herpes, herpes!'
Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone's grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.
Kids, man, they’re way too honest. They’re like mini-alcoholics.