Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I don't need somebody behind a desk to tell me what a marketing survey says is funny. I got 3 million miles and 70,000 tickets sold, telling me that I know how to make people laugh.

Kids, man, they’re way too honest. They’re like mini-alcoholics.

Most of the time I live with my pain. I have pain but I won't show it around. I think that's the nobility of the character. There's something noble in not spewing on people all the time about your problems. I'm the light guy, so I identified.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks".

Everybody really needs to laugh... If you don't laugh, you're not going to live long.

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone's grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.

There's nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her - because the kid can tell.

And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

I love my hunting dog. I loved my hunting dog - I'm not very good at hunting.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

Everyone has seen their dad's penis. Yes, you have. Don't do this to me, New York. Yes, you have. Yes, you have. You have seen your dad's penis. Oh, right. Raise your hands if you've seen your dad's penis. You are fucking lying to me! How am I, as a British person, the least repressed human being in this room?!

I buried my grandmother last year. It was devastating for my grandfather. He's still really mad at me.