Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

We survived the 1980's. Back then, the economic program was called "trickle down." That actually meant they were pissing on you. How the whole theory goes was this: "We have all the money. If we drop some, it's yours. Go for it."

I buried my grandmother last year. It was devastating for my grandfather. He's still really mad at me.

I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!

I didn't really have a plan of attack when I got in college.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If you've ever thought of jumping off of a tall building, there was a guy who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. He survived, and he said this, he said "halfway down, I thought it was a bad idea."

My feeling on entertainers that get all upset about wanting their private life, I go, ‘You chose this business.’ If you want your private life that much, stay in the house.

My little sister tried to run away from home once. But, just a few hours later, somebody found the body.

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.

It's not called cocaine any more. It's now referred to as "Crack Classic."

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.