Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.

I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!

White people don't forget shit. 'Cause the next brother Johnny Cochran would have represented would have got all O.J.'s time. "Double life? For speeding? You bullshittin'!"

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

I never looked at Gallagher like he was a threat to me.

I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

White people talking about how Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves. No he didn't; polyester did. They stopped wearing cotton; they had to let us go.

There's something about having a great bottle of wine and a great cigar. Nothing compares to it.

As a recovering addict I know resentments are trouble so I have none except resenting myself.

I'm like a finger in the ass; you don't know if it's going to be the best orgasm of your life or you're just going to shit the bed.

My friends went over to Europe and they brought back a magazine called Piss Drinkers magazine. Now what was really creepy about it was: this was issue 8, volume 22 of Piss Drinkers. It’s a 22-year-old magazine.

I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!