Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

Everybody really needs to laugh... If you don't laugh, you're not going to live long.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

Ambition beats genius 99 percent of the time.

I never looked at Gallagher like he was a threat to me.

People are always like, "Oh, she's such a bitch." I'm like, "Yeah, I am a bitch, actually."

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Carrot Top is a nickname that people call me and I thought that it was more marketable.

Most of the time I live with my pain. I have pain but I won't show it around. I think that's the nobility of the character. There's something noble in not spewing on people all the time about your problems. I'm the light guy, so I identified.

I’m circumcised ‘cause I don’t cum from the hood.

Sometimes if a woman has a really nice butt she'll wear tight pants. And then everyone looks at her butt when she walks by. That's nice, but it seems like a waste. Everybody's looking there, I feel like we should put important information on the butt. We should put the photos of missing children right on there.

If we all die and there is no God, then it’s just eternal unconsciousness, you’ll never know, but if you’re wrong... you’ll know forever.

I just want to put some positive stuff out there. If it works, great. If it doesn't, no problem.

I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.

Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"

Sledge-O-Matic removes unwanted fingerprints from walls. Sledge-O-Matic also removes unwanted walls from fingerprints.