Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

I made the grandkids laugh. John Madden finally liked me!

My feeling on entertainers that get all upset about wanting their private life, I go, ‘You chose this business.’ If you want your private life that much, stay in the house.

I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!

I couldn't do any of my other characters, you know? But I could have done the lady. Church Lady's Malibu Beach party is an idea I have for a movie, too. Yes.

Sledge-O-Matic removes unwanted fingerprints from walls. Sledge-O-Matic also removes unwanted walls from fingerprints.

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

Everyone has seen their dad's penis. Yes, you have. Don't do this to me, New York. Yes, you have. Yes, you have. You have seen your dad's penis. Oh, right. Raise your hands if you've seen your dad's penis. You are fucking lying to me! How am I, as a British person, the least repressed human being in this room?!

I didn't really have a plan of attack when I got in college.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, “A teaspoon before going to bed,” and in one day he uses seven bottles.