Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

If we all die and there is no God, then it’s just eternal unconsciousness, you’ll never know, but if you’re wrong... you’ll know forever.

I'm not gonna lie, I love the holidays. But Christmas was a lot more fun when you weren't paying for it.

Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

So finally, on about the fifteenth tee, I hit the drive of my life. And any of you people who play golf, you know the drive I'm talking about. The minute you hit it, you just drop your club. You hang on to the beer, let's don't get stupid. And I watch this ball just go and go and kind of hit this guy in the head. And I felt bad, but he overreacted, I thought. I mean, it wasn't like a square hit; it just kind of glanced off his head. But he goes whippin' his car off the freeway, like "here we go!" Mr. Attitude! So now, he's barreling down the fairway screaming at the top of his lungs, like "what are you, some kind of cruddy golfer?" I'm like, "hey, I hit you, didn't I? You were traveling sixty-five miles an hour. That's a pretty good shot in my book."

I spit on education. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go ‘God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They’re fast. Back to you Bob.’

I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.

When the show don't be funny, I take my dick out and piss. This is called The Garden Row.

You might be a redneck if you've ever had your nipple bitten off by a beaver.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

I was walking through the park. I had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know... I should have heard them hiding.

I love my hunting dog. I loved my hunting dog - I'm not very good at hunting.

Ambition beats genius 99 percent of the time.