Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

I made the grandkids laugh. John Madden finally liked me!

White people don't forget shit. 'Cause the next brother Johnny Cochran would have represented would have got all O.J.'s time. "Double life? For speeding? You bullshittin'!"

My feeling on entertainers that get all upset about wanting their private life, I go, ‘You chose this business.’ If you want your private life that much, stay in the house.

I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, “A teaspoon before going to bed,” and in one day he uses seven bottles.

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone's grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.

Sledge-O-Matic removes unwanted fingerprints from walls. Sledge-O-Matic also removes unwanted walls from fingerprints.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

I didn't really have a plan of attack when I got in college.