Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
I could not be a fireman. If I got to a house and it was fully on fire, fuck that, I quit. I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everyone else. And the woman next to me would be like, "Please, my son, he’s screaming in there!" I’d be like, "Well, he’s probably on fire."
Kids, man, they’re way too honest. They’re like mini-alcoholics.
I just want to put some positive stuff out there. If it works, great. If it doesn't, no problem.
Most of the time I live with my pain. I have pain but I won't show it around. I think that's the nobility of the character. There's something noble in not spewing on people all the time about your problems. I'm the light guy, so I identified.
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks".
I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!
My little sister tried to run away from home once. But, just a few hours later, somebody found the body.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.
Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.
If we all die and there is no God, then it’s just eternal unconsciousness, you’ll never know, but if you’re wrong... you’ll know forever.
I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.
I had to sneak into my living room, and we had hardwood floors. Those floors suck for cheating because every step you take just taunts you. You know, every step you're like, 'Cheeeeater!' 'Liar!' 'Herpes, herpes, herpes!'