Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

If we all die and there is no God, then it’s just eternal unconsciousness, you’ll never know, but if you’re wrong... you’ll know forever.

I never looked at Gallagher like he was a threat to me.

You might be a redneck if an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life.

I love you with every cell, with every atom. I love you on a subatomic level.

As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to be making jokes about that. Who wants to miss out on that? If the world is going to end, I want to be there the night before, goofing off.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

You know why Madison Avenue advertising has never done well in Harlem? We're the only ones who know what it means to be Brand X.

A friend told me to listen to my heart. Another friend told me to listen to my gut. Maybe I need an autopsy, because right now my colon is kind of iffy.

I was walking through the park. I had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know... I should have heard them hiding.

I will shut down Instagram so girls can’t use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you’re eyes aren’t that blue, and you don’t glow.

You can prick your finger - just don’t finger your prick.

I love tea. Mmmm. I know I'm getting old because I'm startin' get excited about tea. Just sitting in the loungeroom bored ya no. Somebody goes "You want a cup of tea?" and I go "Oar he hor." Start feeling a little bit depressed when it gets to the bottom, I think to myself I'll just make myself another cup, I can feel happy again.

You know you're getting old when kids start to dress like you used to and movies are made about your teen life.

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.