Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
I'm going to be talking about food, being fat, and being over 50 - all the 'F' words.
This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious - nobody saw me.
I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.
Sledge-O-Matic removes unwanted fingerprints from walls. Sledge-O-Matic also removes unwanted walls from fingerprints.
As a recovering addict I know resentments are trouble so I have none except resenting myself.
I don’t know if you can tell, but I grew up watching a lot of television.
I could not be a fireman. If I got to a house and it was fully on fire, fuck that, I quit. I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everyone else. And the woman next to me would be like, "Please, my son, he’s screaming in there!" I’d be like, "Well, he’s probably on fire."
People are always like, "Oh, she's such a bitch." I'm like, "Yeah, I am a bitch, actually."
I hate Tom Cruise... In TV interviews Tom laughs inappropriately and much too vociferously at non-humorous declarative statements, which is ironic because in real life he can’t take a fucking joke at all. All you have to do is make one simple, little, harmless, innocuous aside like, 'The Scientology spaceship was late today; it had to stop by Fire Island to pick up Tom Cruise,' and he has a pack of lawyers at your door faster than Katie Holmes can say, 'No, really, he loves me in that way, I swear.'
Hard work is fine if its a work of passion but just to work hard to buy shit to impress people. You're a fucking loser.
I love stand-up. I look at it as a way to always stay productive. I couldn't imagine only being an actor or a writer. Because what the hell do I do when I'm not working? Mope?
Every generation thinks they invented sex, which is the stupidest assumption in the world because if that was the case, you wouldn't even be here.