Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
My feeling on entertainers that get all upset about wanting their private life, I go, ‘You chose this business.’ If you want your private life that much, stay in the house.
I love stand-up. I look at it as a way to always stay productive. I couldn't imagine only being an actor or a writer. Because what the hell do I do when I'm not working? Mope?
Alcohol! Tastes great, I love it, you love it, we all love it. Kills motherfuckers every single day. Some of you all won't even make it home tonight 'cause of alcohol. You'll be like, "Oh, that Chris Rock sure is funny, oh! Shit!" But it's all right 'cause it's all white. Cigarettes! Cigarette's the most dangerous product known to man. Kills motherfuckers every single day. Cigarette's so dangerous it kills motherfuckers that don't smoke. That's how dangerous cigarettes are. That's right, first hand smoke, second hand smoke. People talking out of their necks into a fucking machine like, "Hey, what's up, man, I love cigarettes, this shit is cool." But it's all right 'cause it's all white. Shit, could you imagine if the Philip Morris family was a bunch of jheri-curled niggas from Mississippi? Do you know how illegal a pack of cigarettes would be? You would get sixty years just for a pack of Newports. But it's all right, 'cause it's all white.
I buried my grandmother last year. It was devastating for my grandfather. He's still really mad at me.
Nowadays you can’t even spank your kids. No, gotta give ‘em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass.
Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.
People are always like, "Oh, she's such a bitch." I'm like, "Yeah, I am a bitch, actually."
A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
I could not be a fireman. If I got to a house and it was fully on fire, fuck that, I quit. I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everyone else. And the woman next to me would be like, "Please, my son, he’s screaming in there!" I’d be like, "Well, he’s probably on fire."
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, “A teaspoon before going to bed,” and in one day he uses seven bottles.
I don’t know if you can tell, but I grew up watching a lot of television.
I'm going to be talking about food, being fat, and being over 50 - all the 'F' words.