Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

White people don't forget shit. 'Cause the next brother Johnny Cochran would have represented would have got all O.J.'s time. "Double life? For speeding? You bullshittin'!"

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!

I never looked at Gallagher like he was a threat to me.

White people talking about how Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves. No he didn't; polyester did. They stopped wearing cotton; they had to let us go.

Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.

There's something about having a great bottle of wine and a great cigar. Nothing compares to it.

Everybody really needs to laugh... If you don't laugh, you're not going to live long.

My friends went over to Europe and they brought back a magazine called Piss Drinkers magazine. Now what was really creepy about it was: this was issue 8, volume 22 of Piss Drinkers. It’s a 22-year-old magazine.

I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.