Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone's grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.

I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.

White people don't forget shit. 'Cause the next brother Johnny Cochran would have represented would have got all O.J.'s time. "Double life? For speeding? You bullshittin'!"

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

My friends went over to Europe and they brought back a magazine called Piss Drinkers magazine. Now what was really creepy about it was: this was issue 8, volume 22 of Piss Drinkers. It’s a 22-year-old magazine.

I never looked at Gallagher like he was a threat to me.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.

I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.

I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

White people talking about how Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves. No he didn't; polyester did. They stopped wearing cotton; they had to let us go.

There's something about having a great bottle of wine and a great cigar. Nothing compares to it.