Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

Dress code: Black tie optional. Just like life.

You might be a redneck if an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life.

You tell your guy friends you got engaged, it's like hearing someone died. 'What happened man? Wow. He was so young, man. What happened? He had his whole life ahead of him. Wow, I just saw him yesterday.'

Most of the time I live with my pain. I have pain but I won't show it around. I think that's the nobility of the character. There's something noble in not spewing on people all the time about your problems. I'm the light guy, so I identified.

Two Americans have been awarded the Nobel Prize for Economics. They are the first to figure out all the charges on their telephone bill.

You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood for...

A friend told me to listen to my heart. Another friend told me to listen to my gut. Maybe I need an autopsy, because right now my colon is kind of iffy.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Some of us will never ever find true love. Take, for instance me. And I'm pretty sure that guy right there. And that lady with the sideburns. And basically everybody at table nine.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

If we all die and there is no God, then it’s just eternal unconsciousness, you’ll never know, but if you’re wrong... you’ll know forever.

I don’t know if you can tell, but I grew up watching a lot of television.

Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist.

Sucking all the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone.