Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

White people don't forget shit. 'Cause the next brother Johnny Cochran would have represented would have got all O.J.'s time. "Double life? For speeding? You bullshittin'!"

I want a woman that's going to arouse my intellect as well as my lions.

I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

I never looked at Gallagher like he was a threat to me.

Everybody really needs to laugh... If you don't laugh, you're not going to live long.

I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

White people talking about how Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves. No he didn't; polyester did. They stopped wearing cotton; they had to let us go.

There's something about having a great bottle of wine and a great cigar. Nothing compares to it.