Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
White people don't forget shit. 'Cause the next brother Johnny Cochran would have represented would have got all O.J.'s time. "Double life? For speeding? You bullshittin'!"
There's nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her - because the kid can tell.
I love stand-up. I look at it as a way to always stay productive. I couldn't imagine only being an actor or a writer. Because what the hell do I do when I'm not working? Mope?
I could not be a fireman. If I got to a house and it was fully on fire, fuck that, I quit. I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everyone else. And the woman next to me would be like, "Please, my son, he’s screaming in there!" I’d be like, "Well, he’s probably on fire."
People are always like, "Oh, she's such a bitch." I'm like, "Yeah, I am a bitch, actually."
I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.
A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.
I buried my grandmother last year. It was devastating for my grandfather. He's still really mad at me.
I'm going to be talking about food, being fat, and being over 50 - all the 'F' words.
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!
We survived the 1980's. Back then, the economic program was called "trickle down." That actually meant they were pissing on you. How the whole theory goes was this: "We have all the money. If we drop some, it's yours. Go for it."
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.