Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.
Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious - nobody saw me.
I wanted to be a leading man - the black lawyer, the black doctor, the black policeman.
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, “A teaspoon before going to bed,” and in one day he uses seven bottles.
You'll always feel good about your body when you go to the International House of Pancakes - no matter what your body is - because there's always someone there who weighs 350 pounds more than you’ll ever weigh.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.
People are always like, "Oh, she's such a bitch." I'm like, "Yeah, I am a bitch, actually."
And my daughter's too smart. She gets it watching TV. She gets it. She's five. She gets it. I... I have a smart kid; I don't want a smart kid. I'm gonna start feedin' her lead paint chips just to bring her down.
It sure is a beautiful day. Know why? My wife walked out on me. Isn't that nice? I'm so glad the bitch is gone.
Sledge-O-Matic removes unwanted fingerprints from walls. Sledge-O-Matic also removes unwanted walls from fingerprints.