Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
There's something about having a great bottle of wine and a great cigar. Nothing compares to it.
My uncle Jack. We are at the funeral, and we weren’t even outside. We were in the church! And the reverend had just finished his eulogy, when we heard, “Psshhh!” And everyone turned to uncle Jack, who was holding a beer, going, “What?”
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
White people talking about how Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves. No he didn't; polyester did. They stopped wearing cotton; they had to let us go.
I had to sneak into my living room, and we had hardwood floors. Those floors suck for cheating because every step you take just taunts you. You know, every step you're like, 'Cheeeeater!' 'Liar!' 'Herpes, herpes, herpes!'
Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.
Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone's grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.
I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, "I'm really good at checkers". That's the same thing as saying, "I'm not good at very many things."
I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.
I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!
White people don't forget shit. 'Cause the next brother Johnny Cochran would have represented would have got all O.J.'s time. "Double life? For speeding? You bullshittin'!"
As a recovering addict I know resentments are trouble so I have none except resenting myself.