Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

I never looked at Gallagher like he was a threat to me.

You might be a redneck if an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to be making jokes about that. Who wants to miss out on that? If the world is going to end, I want to be there the night before, goofing off.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

I was walking through the park. I had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know... I should have heard them hiding.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

You can prick your finger - just don’t finger your prick.

You know why Madison Avenue advertising has never done well in Harlem? We're the only ones who know what it means to be Brand X.

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a Presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy.

Every bad decision I’ve ever made has been based on money. I grew up in the projects and you don’t turn down money there. You take it, because you never know when it’s all going to end. I made Cop III because they offered me $15 million. That $15 million was worth having Roger Ebert’s thumb up my ass.

I will shut down Instagram so girls can’t use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you’re eyes aren’t that blue, and you don’t glow.

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.

A friend told me to listen to my heart. Another friend told me to listen to my gut. Maybe I need an autopsy, because right now my colon is kind of iffy.