Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.
I've always wanted to uppercut a punkass and send him flying onto a table, preferably with a cake or a bowl of punch on it.
I couldn't wait to be, you know, a Black Panther. Of course they wouldn't let me join.
I went to a sex store, and i was drunk. Never do that. I took one of those strap-on dildos, I put it on my head and started chasing people like a rhino. Oh, God. Oh my God! Everyone was laughing, except for the guy in the kilt. I don’t know what happened, but i’m sorry.
A Scouser went to a prostitute. She said, ‘Do you want a blow job?’ He said, ‘Will it affect me dole money?’
No matter how bad things are, you can at least be happy that you woke up this morning.
The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bullshit.
I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.
Well, we're living in a material world, and I'm a material girl... or boy.
I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.
How stupid can you get? Christina must have been thinking about food, thats why she forgot the words. Shes gotten so big. She looks like she could eat Lady GaGa. Great way to get rid of competition.
Carrot Top is a nickname that people call me and I thought that it was more marketable.