Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to be making jokes about that. Who wants to miss out on that? If the world is going to end, I want to be there the night before, goofing off.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

You know why Madison Avenue advertising has never done well in Harlem? We're the only ones who know what it means to be Brand X.

I never looked at Gallagher like he was a threat to me.

Every bad decision I’ve ever made has been based on money. I grew up in the projects and you don’t turn down money there. You take it, because you never know when it’s all going to end. I made Cop III because they offered me $15 million. That $15 million was worth having Roger Ebert’s thumb up my ass.

I will shut down Instagram so girls can’t use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you’re eyes aren’t that blue, and you don’t glow.

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.

A friend told me to listen to my heart. Another friend told me to listen to my gut. Maybe I need an autopsy, because right now my colon is kind of iffy.

I'm not gonna lie, I love the holidays. But Christmas was a lot more fun when you weren't paying for it.

You can prick your finger - just don’t finger your prick.

I was walking through the park. I had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know... I should have heard them hiding.

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."