Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

White people talking about how Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves. No he didn't; polyester did. They stopped wearing cotton; they had to let us go.

Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone's grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.

My friends went over to Europe and they brought back a magazine called Piss Drinkers magazine. Now what was really creepy about it was: this was issue 8, volume 22 of Piss Drinkers. It’s a 22-year-old magazine.

I made the grandkids laugh. John Madden finally liked me!

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

I could not be a fireman. If I got to a house and it was fully on fire, fuck that, I quit. I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everyone else. And the woman next to me would be like, "Please, my son, he’s screaming in there!" I’d be like, "Well, he’s probably on fire."

I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.

I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

My little sister tried to run away from home once. But, just a few hours later, somebody found the body.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

I never looked at Gallagher like he was a threat to me.