Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
I don't need somebody behind a desk to tell me what a marketing survey says is funny. I got 3 million miles and 70,000 tickets sold, telling me that I know how to make people laugh.
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.
As a recovering addict I know resentments are trouble so I have none except resenting myself.
Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
There's nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her - because the kid can tell.
Alcohol! Tastes great, I love it, you love it, we all love it. Kills motherfuckers every single day. Some of you all won't even make it home tonight 'cause of alcohol. You'll be like, "Oh, that Chris Rock sure is funny, oh! Shit!" But it's all right 'cause it's all white. Cigarettes! Cigarette's the most dangerous product known to man. Kills motherfuckers every single day. Cigarette's so dangerous it kills motherfuckers that don't smoke. That's how dangerous cigarettes are. That's right, first hand smoke, second hand smoke. People talking out of their necks into a fucking machine like, "Hey, what's up, man, I love cigarettes, this shit is cool." But it's all right 'cause it's all white. Shit, could you imagine if the Philip Morris family was a bunch of jheri-curled niggas from Mississippi? Do you know how illegal a pack of cigarettes would be? You would get sixty years just for a pack of Newports. But it's all right, 'cause it's all white.
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone's grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.
You know you're getting old when kids start to dress like you used to and movies are made about your teen life.
Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.
Most of the time I live with my pain. I have pain but I won't show it around. I think that's the nobility of the character. There's something noble in not spewing on people all the time about your problems. I'm the light guy, so I identified.
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks".
When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me.
My uncle Jack. We are at the funeral, and we weren’t even outside. We were in the church! And the reverend had just finished his eulogy, when we heard, “Psshhh!” And everyone turned to uncle Jack, who was holding a beer, going, “What?”
What's wrong with death sir? What are we so mortally afraid of? Why can't we treat death with a certain amount of humanity and dignity and decency and, God forbid, maybe even humor. Death is not the enemy, gentlemen. If we're going to fight a disease, let's fight one of the most terrible diseases of all, indifference.