Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

I could not be a fireman. If I got to a house and it was fully on fire, fuck that, I quit. I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everyone else. And the woman next to me would be like, "Please, my son, he’s screaming in there!" I’d be like, "Well, he’s probably on fire."

There's something about having a great bottle of wine and a great cigar. Nothing compares to it.

I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, "I'm really good at checkers". That's the same thing as saying, "I'm not good at very many things."

I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!

I made the grandkids laugh. John Madden finally liked me!

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

You might be a redneck if you've ever had your nipple bitten off by a beaver.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from?

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!

White people talking about how Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves. No he didn't; polyester did. They stopped wearing cotton; they had to let us go.

As a recovering addict I know resentments are trouble so I have none except resenting myself.