Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251

I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.

A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.

You'll always feel good about your body when you go to the International House of Pancakes - no matter what your body is - because there's always someone there who weighs 350 pounds more than you’ll ever weigh.

Who doesn't like movies? Who has ever said, "Hey, you wanna go see a movie?" "Fuck that and fuck your movies! It’s ridiculous, the whole idea of it! It’s just wrong and fake and no!"

I love stand-up. I look at it as a way to always stay productive. I couldn't imagine only being an actor or a writer. Because what the hell do I do when I'm not working? Mope?

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

People are always like, "Oh, she's such a bitch." I'm like, "Yeah, I am a bitch, actually."

Everybody really needs to laugh... If you don't laugh, you're not going to live long.

I made the grandkids laugh. John Madden finally liked me!

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, “A teaspoon before going to bed,” and in one day he uses seven bottles.

I hate Tom Cruise... In TV interviews Tom laughs inappropriately and much too vociferously at non-humorous declarative statements, which is ironic because in real life he can’t take a fucking joke at all. All you have to do is make one simple, little, harmless, innocuous aside like, 'The Scientology spaceship was late today; it had to stop by Fire Island to pick up Tom Cruise,' and he has a pack of lawyers at your door faster than Katie Holmes can say, 'No, really, he loves me in that way, I swear.'

I wanted to be a leading man - the black lawyer, the black doctor, the black policeman.

I don’t know if you can tell, but I grew up watching a lot of television.

Ambition beats genius 99 percent of the time.