Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 251
My feeling on entertainers that get all upset about wanting their private life, I go, ‘You chose this business.’ If you want your private life that much, stay in the house.
I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!
Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, “A teaspoon before going to bed,” and in one day he uses seven bottles.
Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone's grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.
Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.
Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!
Some people say, “Ya, I don’t have to drink to have a good time.” Okay ya, but that means you have to have a good time to have a good time.