Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 272
If being a gangster were a prerequisite to being a musician, there’d be a lot less cello music, for example.
Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
What am I looking at? I want to eat you like a tossed fucking salad!
I know what it's like to have a family and not have insurance and really need it. As a comic, insurance was one of those sacrifices I made early on until I could afford it.
My favorite people to have fun with are police officers 'cause they're so serious, you know.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'
Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?
I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.
Say what you will about Gypsy women, but they are remarkable assessors of blues guitar talent.
Marriage is like, did you ever to a concert and you see a mosh pit and you're like, 'You know what I'm going to go get in that mosh pit.' But then once you get in it, you're like, 'I do not want to be in this mosh pit at all. I am going to leave and go get some beer.' And then the mosh pit's like, 'Didn't you drink last night?' All right mosh pit, why don't you get off my back and let me live my life?
When I become president, all you assholes that ride bikes in the city? Lock and load! You're going down!
Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.
I've had jokes stolen a thousand times. But if you can do it better than me, you can have it. I've had jokes stolen from me in the club when I'm next on stage. And my brain will start to turn, and the gears will start turning, and I'll go onstage and create a whole new bit.