Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 272
Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat... college.
My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the size of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"
I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word 'fortnight.'
Say what you will about Gypsy women, but they are remarkable assessors of blues guitar talent.
They call it football, but the object of the game is to bash the other guy so hard that he's eventually carried off the field on a stretcher. I can't watch football anymore. My psychiatrist said it's better that way. I used to watch a game, see the players in a huddle - and think they were talking about me.
I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.
I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'
Why are there not positive mysteries? It’s always "who stole the diamond", or "who killed the butler"? How about... "who made cookies", "somebody cleaned my room".
My brother got fired for coming late at a night job. How you oversleep 8:30?
I don't know what to tell a brother without no future. What do you tell him? What do you say on the phone? Keep your head up and your ass down.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.
I saw that Linens 'N Things was going out of business. I know. My first thought was, 'Should have been more specific.'