Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 272

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.

Dude, I would have started throwing things at me right away. Right away. If I was nineteen years old and I was in the parking lot, or wherever I was, and I was putting whatever in my system, and I think Metallica's going on at 8 and some yo-yo goes up who's going to do comedy, I'm looking for everything I can to throw at him.

I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die, deal? Thank you America.

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'

The success of any stand-up act comes out of life experience.

You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.

You saw “Titanic.” The band was playing as the ship went down. What Black band you know gonna keep playing with the damn ship goin’ down? Kool and the Gang would have been unplugging shit. “Man, let’s get the fuck out of here.”

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.

My brother got fired for coming late at a night job. How you oversleep 8:30?

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.