Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 272

Eddie Izzard is doing his show in French... Will he be able to fake ad-lib as well in other languages? He’s been speaking French for a while now, but he’s talking about doing his act in German. Haven’t the German people suffered enough?

When you're white, the sky's the limit. When you're black, the limit's the sky.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

I love black women: burnt black, slave black. I love my woman so black, I just like her to lay in the bed, look like a hole in the sheets.

I had a Jewish delivery; they knock you out with the first pain; they wake you up when the hairdresser shows.

I don't know why I made the raccoons Irish, but it works.

Keep it real by being straight forward. Don't pull no punches on people. It's better to tell somebody than just lollygag around, letting them think they're living their life the right way. Because some people don't know what the hell they're doing, they don't know if they're living the right way or making the right decisions. Some people don't know that.

I host these bad movies late at night.

I’m not fat. It’s just my awesomeness swelling up inside of me.

But we are at war, and we here at The Daily Show will do our best to keep you informed of any late-breaking... humor we can find. Of course, our show is obviously at a disadvantage compared to the many news sources that we're competing with… at a disadvantage in several respects. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility we are, well, oddly enough, actually about even. We're about even.

I don't say, "Bless you." I say, "God bless you," because I'm not the Lord.

If we can teach sign language to monkeys, then shouldn't deaf people be awesome at gymnastics?

I’m circumcised ‘cause I don’t cum from the hood.

I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.

I love John Madden because he makes me feel smart.