Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 272

I'm not a big one for jokes. I can't tell a joke, believe it or not. If you gave me a thousand bucks and said, 'Don, get up at a party and tell a joke', I'm the worst.

I don't need somebody behind a desk to tell me what a marketing survey says is funny. I got 3 million miles and 70,000 tickets sold, telling me that I know how to make people laugh.

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

And there’s definitely no wine called Tupac Shakur.

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.

Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.

There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?

All these years I've sat in airports and kind of drawn people and put like Far Side captions on them.

You might be a redneck if you’ve ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said "concentrate."

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

I was staying at a hotel and I asked for a wake up call… the next morning the phone rang and someone said “What are you doing with your life?” I’m up!

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.