Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 273
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That’s 245 months in Jack Bauer years.
I don't say, "Bless you." I say, "God bless you," because I'm not the Lord.
Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'
The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.
The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants.
King was really telling us it's not about love, it's about being lovable. 'I love you baby and if I can't have you no one else will is frightening,' but once you become lovable we become safe and that's where I think we'll end up.
Suicide fucking bombing, there's a bright idea. Every time there's a bang, the world's a wanker short.
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
Can you imagine being bilingual? Or even knowing anybody that was? I'm not even unilingual. Actually, I shouldn't say that. I don't give myself enough credit. I know enough English to, you know, get by. I can order in restaurants and stuff.
I remember when I took a temp job... so I got a job at a department store. Something temporary to put on my resume, my parents said. Yeah... till I die!