Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 273

You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.

Several states are now looking into the possibility of taxing marijuana as a source of revenue. That is so typical of the government, isn't it? Trying to squeeze blood from a stoner.

The Rolling Stones reunited for a twenty-fifth anniversary tour last week. Keith Richards said that he's happy to continue to do what he's been doing for the past twenty-five years: cheating death.

If you masturbated with your left hand, would it be like being touched by a retarded person?

Marriage is like, did you ever to a concert and you see a mosh pit and you're like, 'You know what I'm going to go get in that mosh pit.' But then once you get in it, you're like, 'I do not want to be in this mosh pit at all. I am going to leave and go get some beer.' And then the mosh pit's like, 'Didn't you drink last night?' All right mosh pit, why don't you get off my back and let me live my life?

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

Silence is not only golden; it is seldom misquoted.

I’m not fat. It’s just my awesomeness swelling up inside of me.

And there’s definitely no wine called Tupac Shakur.

It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

I would knock at the door, and I'd be like, 'Dad, are you OK?' And he was so high, he couldn't respond with anything that had to do with the question. You literally heard him in there go, 'I'm in the garage.'

The success of any stand-up act comes out of life experience.

I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.

But we are at war, and we here at The Daily Show will do our best to keep you informed of any late-breaking... humor we can find. Of course, our show is obviously at a disadvantage compared to the many news sources that we're competing with… at a disadvantage in several respects. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility we are, well, oddly enough, actually about even. We're about even.