Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 273

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.

"You've gotten fat!" "Well you're fat too!" "I know I'm fat! I was fat in high school! I kept my figure, why couldn't you?"

Nothing is going to stop Mike Tyson that doesn't have a motor attached.

I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.

Ever wrestle your dog 'til you cum?

The plain fact is religion must die for mankind to live. The hour is getting very late to be able to indulge in having key decisions made by religious people - by irrationalists - by those who would steer the ship of state, not by a compass, but by the equivalent of reading the entrails of a chicken.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I like people watching… Mostly this one woman.

My favorite people to have fun with are police officers 'cause they're so serious, you know.

And there’s definitely no wine called Tupac Shakur.

But we are at war, and we here at The Daily Show will do our best to keep you informed of any late-breaking... humor we can find. Of course, our show is obviously at a disadvantage compared to the many news sources that we're competing with… at a disadvantage in several respects. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility we are, well, oddly enough, actually about even. We're about even.

Body hair. You know when you're swimming as a kid and you want to crawl on your dad? None of us went anywhere near him. 'My god, a beaver! Everyone out of the pool!'

I'd love to shoot a laser out of my cock. And when I'm empty my balls glow. Low fuel, balls are empty.

I was raised to believe that you had to do things better than white people in order to succeed. The old black shows were better than the white shows. The Jeffersons was a lot better. Good Times was way funnier. Sanford and Son. Now, though, everyone thinks we're equal, so we submit the same s... that everyone else submits. And then we get mad when they won't air it. You got to go back to the old attitude of it has to be twice as good.