Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 280
I was at a disco a few nights ago. I was tearing up the dance floor. I had a nail in my shoe.
So when I say we had been the cowards, yes, that's what I meant, we as a society. And that's everybody, including myself. I had been screaming about the drug war and this war and other wars. I should have been more on terrorism, too. So should you, so should everybody.
Music played a large role in the survival of the black people in America - that and a sense of humor that just couldn't be enslaved.
Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
You might be a redneck if your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
A lot of people complain in the year 2003 that it's not the world of tomorrow as foreseen in the 1950s. 'Where are the flying cars?' people say. 'Where are the robots who bring us blue drinks and warn us of danger?' Alright. We don't have those things, specifically, folks, but you know what we do have? Laser vaginal rejuvenation surgery.
I usually travel with a posse. I roll deep. I travel like a rapper, but without the artillery. We don't carry guns, we carry cookies.
I spent the first twenty years of my life waiting for two men I was reasonably certain would never come back - my daddy and Jesus Christ. I don't wait for them anymore. My dad, anyway. And at least with Jesus I didn't spend all that time thinking he was gone because of something I did.
Black people start making money and want to do stuff we would never do, want to climb mountains. It's right there - you ain't got to climb it, you got a house. Why you gotta go outside and climb a rock?
If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.