Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 280

So when I say we had been the cowards, yes, that's what I meant, we as a society. And that's everybody, including myself. I had been screaming about the drug war and this war and other wars. I should have been more on terrorism, too. So should you, so should everybody.

The operation was a success, but I'm afraid the doctor is dead.

We never went to Toys 'R' Us, we always went to fucking Auschwitz for kids - Home Depot.

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.

There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.

I saw that Linens 'N Things was going out of business. I know. My first thought was, 'Should have been more specific.'

I'm just so looking forward to seeing Dick Cheney because it's like the sighting of a rare white elk when he shows up. And I don't even think it's Dick Cheney anymore. We see him so rarely that I think he may be my old shop teacher.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

I spent the first twenty years of my life waiting for two men I was reasonably certain would never come back - my daddy and Jesus Christ. I don't wait for them anymore. My dad, anyway. And at least with Jesus I didn't spend all that time thinking he was gone because of something I did.

Unfortunately, I've never been mistaken as Johnny Depp.

I host these bad movies late at night.

I was in the ROTC program. I remember once I was walking through campus and my instructor grabs me, and he’s a real big guy, and yells, “It’s been six weeks since I’ve seen you in camouflage class!” I said, “I’m getting good.”

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Where are all the sour patch parents?

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird shit all over them.