Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 280
They do have weird ads. That one with the mother and daughter on the beach - 'Mom, why do they have douche?' Why don't you ask the pelicans that are following you?
The new phone book’s here... The new phone book’s here... This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need... My name in print... That really makes somebody... Things are going to start happening to me now.
That's the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We're sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic comedy-like material.
The best time to go to Vegas is during Christmastime, because nothing beats watching people gamble while they play Christmas carols. I'm Jewish, and I'm astonished. People going, "Goddammit!" "Jesus Christ!" "Holy fuck!" "Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum, me and my drum."
Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
I know what it's like to have a family and not have insurance and really need it. As a comic, insurance was one of those sacrifices I made early on until I could afford it.
If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.
Black people start making money and want to do stuff we would never do, want to climb mountains. It's right there - you ain't got to climb it, you got a house. Why you gotta go outside and climb a rock?
I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
If you masturbated with your left hand, would it be like being touched by a retarded person?
Marriage is like having cable with just one channel: same thing come on everyday. You see other things come on, but you can't watch it.
I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.