Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 280
My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
I have to be legitimate in my lyrics to be genuine. If I constantly made up stuff, soon enough I would run out a fuel because there is but so much jokes you can come up with. You have to use real experiences so people can relate.
Do you realize that if the pilgrims have been chasing bobcats instead of turkeys... we'd all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving?!
My Elizabeth was as pure as the driven snow; and I am the only driver she ever had!
You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.
If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.
Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.
Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids. He said, ‘For the last time, I haven’t got your football.’
I was at a disco a few nights ago. I was tearing up the dance floor. I had a nail in my shoe.
You know that dumb song 'More money, more problems'? Yeah, because you're goin' down to the fuckin' titty bar with money hangin' out of your pocket, dumpin' Cristal all over a rug in front of people who work in cubicles. More titty bars, more problems... is really what it is.
I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?