Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 280
Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you’ll always lose because of the Mexicans.
The new phone book’s here... The new phone book’s here... This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need... My name in print... That really makes somebody... Things are going to start happening to me now.
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
Sanford and Son is more than just a name. It's a condition, a dynasty, an empire. This here is the finest pile of junk of the world.
It is my wish to die of unique causes, perhaps in a high-speed tricycle crash, a bizarre stapling incident, or as a result of inadvertently sucking my brains out through my ear while trying to untwist the vacuum hose.
I ain't shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs.
The best time to go to Vegas is during Christmastime, because nothing beats watching people gamble while they play Christmas carols. I'm Jewish, and I'm astonished. People going, "Goddammit!" "Jesus Christ!" "Holy fuck!" "Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum, me and my drum."
I spent the first twenty years of my life waiting for two men I was reasonably certain would never come back - my daddy and Jesus Christ. I don't wait for them anymore. My dad, anyway. And at least with Jesus I didn't spend all that time thinking he was gone because of something I did.
What am I looking at? I want to eat you like a tossed fucking salad!
Marriage is like having cable with just one channel: same thing come on everyday. You see other things come on, but you can't watch it.
Not everyone in school needs to look like a slut but there should always be one... and I enjoyed being her.