Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 280

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.

A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

Comedians are never really on vacation because you're always at attention... that antenna is always out there.

I love President Bush. I think it's great we have a president who always looks like he's looking directly into the sun.

Some things are the same wherever you go, like if it feels like more than two fingers, it's probably a dick.

I was staying at a hotel and I asked for a wake up call… the next morning the phone rang and someone said “What are you doing with your life?” I’m up!

There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.

There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?

They suck. It's like being in love with an alcoholic. It's like, you constantly defend her, and people are like, 'Dude, your alcoholic friend is a mess,' and you're like, 'Nah, you don't know her like I do.'

Sports fans eat shit.

The operation was a success, but I'm afraid the doctor is dead.

Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.

Kissing is like drinking tea with a tea strainer, you can never get enough.