Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 280
All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all those things! I'm alive!"
Not everyone in school needs to look like a slut but there should always be one... and I enjoyed being her.
I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.
Coconut milk is the only thing on this planet that comes identically to mother's milk.
Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.
Black people start making money and want to do stuff we would never do, want to climb mountains. It's right there - you ain't got to climb it, you got a house. Why you gotta go outside and climb a rock?
But it’s like guys are thinking, "I don't want to fuck her, what is she doing on my television?"
Never seen my friends do more push-ups, trying to challenge Cruises' manhood. It was like, "I can be strong, too!"
You wonder why I only talk about my personal life. But that's all I've ever done.
So when I say we had been the cowards, yes, that's what I meant, we as a society. And that's everybody, including myself. I had been screaming about the drug war and this war and other wars. I should have been more on terrorism, too. So should you, so should everybody.
The new phone book’s here... The new phone book’s here... This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need... My name in print... That really makes somebody... Things are going to start happening to me now.