Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 301
Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.
I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.
California is a small woman saying, "Fuck me." New York is a large man saying, "Fuck you!"
I was staying at a hotel and I asked for a wake up call… the next morning the phone rang and someone said “What are you doing with your life?” I’m up!
I hate getting off the elevator on the wrong floor? Anyone ever do that... and then you have to turn around and face those people. I feel like I owe everyone in there an explanation.
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
I think comedy evolves constantly. I reinvent myself all the time. I always find a way to entertain myself because I truly believe you have to entertain yourself in order to relate it the right way to your audience.
The Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They're all running for the presidency.
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird shit all over them.
I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.
There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
"Some people just join the military because they need college money." Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.
My grandmother instilled in me a toughness that comes with survival. She was a tough lady and never truly enjoyed her life. She would always worry about things and I would tell her that it wasn’t going to get her anywhere and it didn’t. I wasn’t even that smart back then, but I knew that worrying about everyone else wasn’t good for her health. As Latinos, we stress and worry so much about the future when the future is today. As long as we protect what’s good in our lives, we will be all right.