Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 301
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
I think what's dangerous is the idea that someone can wash away your sins.
I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back…
I've been accused of bad taste, and I'll go down to my grave accused of it and always by the same people, the ones who eat in restaurants that reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.
My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.
The country’s 24 hour political pundit perpetual panic conflictinator did not cause our problems but its existence makes solving them that much harder. The press can hold its magnifying up to our problems bringing them into focus, illuminating issues heretofore unseen or they can use that magnifying glass to light ants on fire and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous flaming ant epidemic. If we amplify everything we hear nothing.
Girls, do yourself a favor, don't ever bring us anywhere to pick anything out - ever, ever. You don't need us there.
You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men.
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
Doctors don't cure shit! They don't cure shit! The last disease doctors cured was polio, when's the last time you met someone with polio?
Once in a while, when I'm alone, I think about my age. I think, How many more years do I have on this earth? But I can't really conceive of dying. Somehow, in my head, I don't think I'll die. I know that everybody dies, of course. I just think that it'll never come to me. It's crazy, but there it is.
If you like strange, specific stuff - that's a nerd. Kanye West is a black nerd. He likes strange, specific stuff. If you go up to Kanye West and say, 'Hey, what are your favorite things?' He'll be like, 'Robots and teddy bears.' That's a nerd.