Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 301
I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge.
You try to pretend like you're paying attention to your family, but in the meantime, you're like "Grandma, can you pass the gravy? I'm open!"
I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.
Last year I gave my girlfriend eyeglasses for her birthday. This year I got her Lasik surgery. Because she didn't need the glasses.
I feel sorry for the newscasters you know? We can turn it off. But that's their job and they have to read these stories and they're just coming up on the teleprompter they don't know what's coming up. And they have to go through these change of emotions. That.. "There were no survivors... And next Which candybar helps ya lose weight! Still to come! Is an asteroid headed towards earth... But first where to find the cheesiest pizza in town! Also, a disturbing study finds that studies are disturbing..."
Whatever you do to gain success, you have to hang in there and hope good things happen. Always think positive.
I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.
Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.
I think comedy evolves constantly. I reinvent myself all the time. I always find a way to entertain myself because I truly believe you have to entertain yourself in order to relate it the right way to your audience.
People like crowds. The bigger the crowd, the more people show up. Small crowd, hardly anybody shows up.
I think when the movie `Roxanne' came out, which I also had written, I felt something new that I never felt, which was respect.
Frankly, I'm in shock. I just can't believe it... even though I had every reason to expect it.
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.