Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 317

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

I'm very lucky. Years ago they had images, like W.C. Fields, Laurel and Hardy, Groucho Marx. But today, I think I'm the only one around with an image. And that image is something everyone identified with. They all feel life treated 'em wrong and they got no respect.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number still 911? Aaaalrighty then.

I drive a big Dodge truck. I drive American cars.

In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.

If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.

I have children. I have a family to support. But I really could live in a one-room apartment, as long as the television worked. I never needed anything. Just a comfortable chair and I'm fine.

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.

God, maybe instead of resting on the seventh day you should of thought about compassion.

I found a great new weed killer, but it stains the carpet.

You might be a redneck if the antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.

Here's how it works: Mexican people are called beaners, okay? I said it! That's right, I said it! I am a funny motherfucker!

Frankie Valli sings 'Walk Like A Man, Talk Like A Man'... sings it like a woman!

I just can't dance like no ones watching. I tried but it's futile.