Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 317
I had my back waxed once by two women... and at one point they said, "Do you mind if we take a break?"
My mind was a mess back then as I drove across the country. I was driving to clear my head, and all I could do was obsess on my uncertain future. It's like you're at a crap game, and on your biggest roll, the dice go in slow motion. For months, you watch them spin and roll and bounce around, waiting for them to land so you know if you're a winner or a loser. Total limbo.
If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.
Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.
I've seen a lot of proud sponsors of things; I'd like to see a reluctant sponsor. 'Subaru - reluctant sponsor of the WNBA.'
Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.
I don't like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals.
Don't fucking work hard you die at the end, didn't anyone ever tell you that?
I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle-baby.
Indian people, we are proud of our cheapness. You are never gonna insult us by calling us cheap. Thats the best part, you know. You walk up to an Indian guy "You guys are cheap" .. "Thank you for noticing, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you" "That guy just called you cheap" "No, no, no. He pronounced it cheap. But what he was saying was - smart. Very smart he was".
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.
A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.