Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 317
Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.'
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.
Good news. President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. Unfortunately, all of them are at the White House.
What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.
Suicide fucking bombing, there's a bright idea. Every time there's a bang, the world's a wanker short.
I said I didn't respect religion... and anyone who believes in fairy tales to answer questions that we can't answer. So I don't respect our religions either. But I do believe it is a clash of civilizations, absolutely, between the Islamic world and the Western world. It has been going on for 1,000 years.
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, "Ray's Up And Coming Pizza" would be fine.
Thank you for remembering me. I'm also happy to be accepting this trophy before I become incontinent.
It doesn't matter how much of an asshole you are, there was always someone who thought you were cool.
There's nothing wrong with dating younger men. My husband and I, we get along except for music because music dates you. He loves hip-hop - that's his thing, he loves rap music - but I like jazz. But he's started to enjoy jazz because I like to listen to jazz while we're having sex. Yeah, right, so now he loves jazz because he associates it with sex. He hears that jazz, he's like, 'That's my cue! It's on now!' But now, I can't even enjoy my music. I'm listening to Miles Davis, washing dishes. I turn around, he's standing there butt naked: 'Did ya call me?'
If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!