Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 318
I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.
The only people flying to Europe will be terrorists, so it will be, "Will you be sitting in armed or unarmed?"
I made fun of Adam Sandler so that future generations of comedians could be cast in his movies. I made fun of Jay leno so there could be a Jimmy Fallon.
I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle-baby.
Now I'm starting to jog. But every time I do jog I have 9-1 pressed into my phone, with the next '1' ready to be launched in case I drop.
With school out, teens are looking for jobs, things like lifeguards. But L.A. public pools do not have lifeguards. We have life coaches. If they see you struggling in the water, they say, “Are you happy with the decisions you’re making”? Then they give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio.
I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.
I love when problems have simple solutions. Cold medicine. Umbrellas. Condoms. Tax incentives & subsidies attracting favored industries.
A lot of people out there are going to ask 'why did they interview Carlos about this? Carlos is a joke thief, Carlos steals jokes and we know this.' Listen to me and look at me when I tell you this, with all honesty: if you think that I steal jokes, fuck yeah, you're right! Of course I fucking steal jokes, are you out of your fucking mind? When I come to a comedy club, you better run, bitch, you better get the fuck off stage because if anything you say is even remotely funny, I'm going to make it mine. And all I'm going to do is say 'Mexican' in the front. I'm like a rapper, I just sample shit and make it my own. Was that really my song? I don't know, but it sounds like mine, but it kind of sounds like somebody else's. It's a hit, bitch!
During the riots, blacks and Mexicans showed how smart we are. They told us where to go steal shit. We ran to K-Mart, loaded up with shit. Walked out the door. And then we did interviews with evidence in our hands. I'm watching the news going, "Fuck Armando! Put the radio down!"
I love my family but my family - they're the type of people that never let you forget anything you ever did when you were little. I was in the first grade Christmas play - I'm playing Mary. Now, during the course of the play, I dropped the baby Jesus. They act like I dropped the baby Jesus. So now, they still talk about this. I go to my family reunion, and one of my cousins just had a baby. So I'm like, 'Oh, that's a cute little baby. Let me hold the baby. Let me see the baby.' And my aunt runs over, 'Don't you give her that baby! You know she dropped the baby Jesus!'
If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
I went home with this French guy 'cause he said something adorable, like, 'I have an apartment.'