Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 318

If your Birthday is on Christmas day and you're not Jesus, you should start telling people your birthday is on June 9 or something. Just read up on the traits of a Gemini. Suddenly you're a multitasker who loves the color yellow. Because not only do you get stuck with them combo gift, you get the combo song. "We wish you a merry Christmas - and happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas - happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Ye - Birthday, Terry!"

I'm sure back in the Greek days or the Roman Empire days, when guys fought in arenas and were fighting lions, people were talking smack. Every era in history has someone talking smack. No way you can have talent and not proclaim your victory.

I’m trying to feel terrified and alone. And regret every decision I’ve ever made, drenched in a cold sweat. It’s called going to sleep. Maybe you’ve heard of it.

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

In case you're wondering what we all do here during the commercial breaks, mostly we just sit around making catty remarks about the outfits you're all wearing at home.

The bravest thing that men do is love women.

I went home with this French guy 'cause he said something adorable, like, 'I have an apartment.'

Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, "By the way, you know I'm fake, right?"

Without Brett Favre, they wouldn’t have Brett Favre, and that’s what that’s all about.

Women are more emotional. They do get flustered. Which is not to say that men are better than they. It's simply the way it is.

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number still 911? Aaaalrighty then.

One of my grandfathers died when he was a little boy.

In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.