Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 318
I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.
Whenever I travel I like to keep the seat next to me empty. I found a great way to do it. When someone walks down the aisle and says to you, "Is someone sitting there?" just say, "No one-except the Lord."
I’m a major hypochondriac. I won’t even masturbate anymore. I’m afraid I might give myself something.
I don’t believe Scots are as tight as people say, but I did hear that when two taxis collided in Glasgow recently 48 people were injured.
I have a disease, I'm alergic to stupid shit. now some of y'all might have that same disease. But if you have the disease, you know for a fact, that it does not start when you're an adult; It starts when you're a child. I remember as a child being allergic to stupid Shit.
Those that say their glasses are half-full are considered optimists. Yeah, but shouldn't we be more specific about the contents of the glass? If it's a glass of shit, I'm going half-empty. I don't like shit as an optimist. "Yeah, we gotta half-empty shit glass right here."
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I’m not doing that again until I’m a black belt. Because I can tell you there’s a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
Fatherhood means a great deal to me. I love it. To me, there aint nothing better, because your kids keep it real with you. When you think things are bad, you look at them and they show you how things could be all right, and it's all worth it.