Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 318

I made fun of Adam Sandler so that future generations of comedians could be cast in his movies. I made fun of Jay leno so there could be a Jimmy Fallon.

Now I'm starting to jog. But every time I do jog I have 9-1 pressed into my phone, with the next '1' ready to be launched in case I drop.

Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work.

I'm a very bad student, but a great learner.

You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.

You tried to kiss me. I know you have $40. Thank you all so very, very, very much. You are the best! Thank you!. We did it, team. We did it. Good night, America. Good night, San Francisco. Good night, foreign countries with distribution from Comedy Central. I will now leave energetically to match your energy!

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.

When you get off stage, the audience should know a little bit about you. Not where you are from, but how you see the world. And that’s the difference between like a Chris Rock joke, and like an open-miker.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

Fatherhood means a great deal to me. I love it. To me, there aint nothing better, because your kids keep it real with you. When you think things are bad, you look at them and they show you how things could be all right, and it's all worth it.

At my age, the only thing hot waiting for me in my dressing room is a bowl of soup.

It's Friday bitches! Lets get fucked up!