Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 318
If you ever cut your grass and found a car, you might be a redneck.
Now, I'm no bleeding heart, OK? But... when you're walking down the streets of New York City and you're stepping over a guy on the sidewalk who, I don't know, might be dead... Does it ever occur to you to think, "Wow. Maybe our system doesn't work?"
When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham.'
I drink too much. Have you ever done that where you wake up and there’s someone in your bed and they’re a munter. Pulling back that sheet, it’s like Silent Witness ain’t it.
I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to.
I recently hurt myself on a treadmill and it wasn’t even on. I was adjusting my speed and stepped wrong and twisted my ankle. I felt a moment of frustration filled with immediate relief. I didn’t have to actually work out, but I still got credit for trying. It was a gym snow day.
Because criminals know that when they see a house with 2 foot tall grass, a dog on a chain, and an engine hanging from a tree, a gun lives in that house. And if you want to know what kind, just break in at 2 in the morning.
I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.
Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
Women are more emotional. They do get flustered. Which is not to say that men are better than they. It's simply the way it is.
You might be a redneck if directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.
I have children. I have a family to support. But I really could live in a one-room apartment, as long as the television worked. I never needed anything. Just a comfortable chair and I'm fine.