Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 332

My girlfriend said, "Emo, I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

Change is such hard work.

I had my hands around his neck but then I saw my bracelet. What would Jesus do?? So I lit him on fire and sent him to hell.

I’ve met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I’ve never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. "I don’t want tacos! Maybe."

Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's always some trouble - you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face.

Nobody's really happy. And as soon as society realises that you can't trust anyone and that hardship is a natural part of existence, the sooner the therapists will realise that they are worthless! Sorry. They have worth deficit disorder!

The best revenge is living well.

I've been trying to get into the Royal Box in New York for years. They say I'm too dirty, my material is too blue. But I think Redd, the whites and blue can be a nice combination.

Quality thoughts will turn their back on you if you don't treat them with respect.

I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.

I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one but I can’t decide what I want and I don’t want to be stuck with one I’m just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later.

You can go home with a lot of money with absolutely no skill.

Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.

Here's how it works: Mexican people are called beaners, okay? I said it! That's right, I said it! I am a funny motherfucker!