Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 332
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
You tried to kiss me. I know you have $40. Thank you all so very, very, very much. You are the best! Thank you!. We did it, team. We did it. Good night, America. Good night, San Francisco. Good night, foreign countries with distribution from Comedy Central. I will now leave energetically to match your energy!
The difference, generally speaking, between sportbike people and cruiser people is that sportbike people like performance skill and wear safety gear; cruisers like chrome, noise, and style. It's funny to me to separate them because I ride both. I prefer performance cruisers like the Honda Valkyrie I had or my Triumph Rocket III.
When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.
You might be a redneck if your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire on her house.
I don't like this reality television, I have to be honest, ... I think real people should not be on television. It's for special people like us, people who have trained and studied to appear to be real.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
It takes intelligence to make real comedy, and it takes a reality base to create all that little stuff I like to do that makes you giggle inside.
Usually, there's nothing being thrown toward the stage or at me. Then I feel pretty good about it.
I'm always giving myself the Alzheimer's test. My shrink told me to do this. It takes one minute. You name every word that comes to mind that begins with the letter F.
I saw a bloke the other day talking to himself. So I tried to listen but I couldn't hear him. But the weird part is while I was watching him I was going "That bloke's bloody talkin' to himself over there." There's another bloke looking at me going "That bloke's bloody talkin' to himself over there."
Valentine’s Day – a nice holiday because it’s the first day of the rest of your wife.