Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 332

A dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women's breast milk. My wife's breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an optimist. I'm like, well, maybe it's making my child fireproof.

I'm always giving myself the Alzheimer's test. My shrink told me to do this. It takes one minute. You name every word that comes to mind that begins with the letter F.

I don't care if people think I am an overactor, as long as they enjoy what I do. People who think that would call Van Gogh an overpainter.

I think there are people on other planets looking at us and going, “Oh yeah, the Earth, we used to have a place there, but then that whole neighbourhood went”.

Change is such hard work.

Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's always some trouble - you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face.

Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

Usually, there's nothing being thrown toward the stage or at me. Then I feel pretty good about it.

I have this mistress: show business.

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

We used to root for the Indians against the cavalry, because we didn't think it was fair in the history books that when the cavalry won it was a great victory, and when the Indians won it was a massacre.

I got on the property ladder this year. It’s murder getting that deposit together. You start having dark thoughts, looking at your mum and dad thinking, ‘If only they had an accident…’.

Saying “yes” doesn’t mean I don’t know how to say no, and saying “please” doesn’t mean I am waiting for permission.

Oh aye... my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, "Have ye had enough?" Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? "Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question?"