Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 332
My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading.
When I'm up there, and I know the show's coming to a close, in my head I'm saying to myself, Oh man, you gotta get off and be a normal person again. That's what I don't like so much.
I've decided to take my grandmother off of life support. As soon as she gets sick.
Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... DJ Abraham Lincoln.
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
I got to tell you, I really appreciate Ron for being a part of this. He had to leave a New Year's Eve party to be here tonight. I'm not saying Ron drinks, but I hugged him and my vision is blurry.
Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the fuck out of everybody!
Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.
For those of you who don't speak French, by the way, all of that was fucking funny.
Stop It, stop lighting your butthol on fire, and everybody listen to me. If you light your ass on fire, I hope you have boxers or a filter of somekind, because if your a bareass person. Not a lot of people have done this. Stop It. This is why. You can cauterize your asshole shut, so when you fart it has nowhere to go and you can have a fart attack.
The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to life your head up and say: ‘Not today, you bastards.’