Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 333

It was really easy to get away with murder before they knew about DNA… What was a murder investigation like in 1935? One cop would just walk in and be like, “Detective, we found a pool of the killer’s blood in that hallway.” And he would just be like, “Gross.”

The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.

Quality thoughts will turn their back on you if you don't treat them with respect.

There's no way to describe what I do. It's just me.

Aristotle said, "Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." Isn't that a three-way?

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.

I know I'm in England because this morning, my stomach got up two hours before I did and had a cup of tea! I've had so much tea, I slosh when I walk! You have to drink tea - I've tasted the coffee!

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

The kids didn't call me Amy Schumer; they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I'll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, 'Excuse me - this is awesome!'

I got on the property ladder this year. It’s murder getting that deposit together. You start having dark thoughts, looking at your mum and dad thinking, ‘If only they had an accident…’.

Everyone has an enemy. It’s why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter'

Here's a way to break up an astrological love-fest: you just stick your head in the middle of the people and go, 'Uh, you know, Hitler was a Sagittarius.'

Whenever I travel I like to keep the seat next to me empty. I found a great way to do it. When someone walks down the aisle and says to you, "Is someone sitting there?" just say, "No one-except the Lord."