Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 333
I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
Men don’t give a fuck about kissing. Used to like kissing when we were in our early teens. Then someone sucked our dick. And then, “What’s this kissing thing? Why would I ride on the swings? I’ve already been to Disneyland.”
Hey. They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon. Now he's up there, laughing at them.
America truly is the best idea for a country that anyone has ever come up with so far. Not only because we value democracy and the rights of the individual, but because we are always our own most effective voice of descent... We must never mistake disagreement between Americans on political or moral issues to be an indication of their level of patriotism. If you don't like what I say or don't agree with where I stand on certain issues, then good. I'm glad we're in America, and don't have to oppress each other over it. We're not just a nation, we're not an ethnicity. We are a dream of justice that people have had for a thousand years.
But look at the people who use [their potential] — who do actually give it everything... The Beckhams or Roy Keanes of this world. People charging! Running up and down the field, swearing and shouting at each other. Are they happy? No! They're destroying themselves! Who's happy? You! The fat fucks watching them, with a beer can balanced on your ninth belly, roaring advice at the best athletes in the world. "YOU WANKER!"
It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.
When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.
Two weeks ago in Los Angeles, at a stop sign, I was asked for a dollar by a homeless 22-year-old Vietnam veteran. I was like, 'Here's a buck. Yeah, I know man, Da Nang was whack.'
We used to root for the Indians against the cavalry, because we didn't think it was fair in the history books that when the cavalry won it was a great victory, and when the Indians won it was a massacre.
It’s fine if you want to be a feminist, but I think 5 AM after the bar closes is a weird time to jump on your soapbox. “Men just want to fuck.” It’s five in the morning, everybody wants to. That’s why they stayed out ‘til five because it didn’t happen at two.
Stop whining about getting old. It’s a privilege. A lot of people who are dead wish they were still alive.
Here's a way to break up an astrological love-fest: you just stick your head in the middle of the people and go, 'Uh, you know, Hitler was a Sagittarius.'
Live each day as if it were your last...because one day, you'll be right!