Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 333

I hate my supervisor. Behind her desk it says. ‘You don’t have to be mad to work her, but it helps. ‘Mind you, she’s written it in her own shit.”

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

You’re not a bunch of people lock-stepped with the politically correct. Oh no! Don’t shoot the animals! They might get their feelings hurt!

America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.

The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.

Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, "You gotta nail her"!

The Japanese scientists just found a 25,000-year-old mammoth in the ice in Siberia, and they're about to clone it... You think the Japanese of all people would want nothing to do with prehistoric animals after what happened with Godzilla.

You ever pull out money too big in front of a homeless dude? You're like, 'Let me give you some - oh, shit.' He like, 'Give me that $100.' 'No, here's some pennies.'

It’s always weird when I go out with some money and black out and wake up with no money. But it was a lot weirder to go out with some money, black out and wake up with more money. That meant that I had earned money. That meant that I had traded goods and/or services… and blacked out. It’s not anything wholesome. It’s not like I was temping at a real estate office.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

Eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions god's infinite love.

You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?

I was out with this girl; I bought some drinks. We went back to my hotel room, she starts throwing up the drinks that I bought all over the hotel room; it was very upsetting. It was like she was throwing up my money on my money.