Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 333
Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, "You gotta nail her"!
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
I’ve met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I’ve never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. "I don’t want tacos! Maybe."
I could never be a woman, 'cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day.
You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
I've been trying to get into the Royal Box in New York for years. They say I'm too dirty, my material is too blue. But I think Redd, the whites and blue can be a nice combination.
Nobody can stop you but you. And shame on you if you're the one who stops yourself.
Quality thoughts will turn their back on you if you don't treat them with respect.
I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one but I can’t decide what I want and I don’t want to be stuck with one I’m just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later.
Since the bus, a lot of people go to Florida who wouldn't if they had to hire a driver.
Stop whining about getting old. It’s a privilege. A lot of people who are dead wish they were still alive.
Tina Fey is my comedy wife. I have known her for almost a double decade. We met each other when we were poor and single. Now we are both rich as shit and have husbands all over the world. People think of us as a ‘comedy team’ and I am not quick to correct them. Why wouldn’t I want to connect myself to the fiercest and most talented voice in the comedy world?