Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 334

They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. So it’s nice to know my son’s going to grow up and have huge breasts but it’s not going to bother him that much.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

You know what bugs me? When a woman is expecting and her bonehead husband runs around going, "We're pregnant!" We're pregnant. Yeah, and my balls itch pal.

Don't fucking work hard you die at the end, didn't anyone ever tell you that?

Live each day as if it were your last...because one day, you'll be right!

One of my grandfathers died when he was a little boy.

My name has zero value.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Change is such hard work.

How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.

A doctor was telling me a lot of people aren't getting their kids circumcised. How many people aren't doing it? I'm not looking to be a trendsetter when it comes to my kid's penis. I don't want my kid to be the only guy in the locker room with a schlong that looks like it's about to rob a bank.

What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square... It's a lot quieter than the regular New Year. It's just a few Jews walking around going, "'sup?"

I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.

Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.

There was one woman who had a giant sign and on it, it just said, 'America Is Better Than Abortion.' I think she meant that America was too good a place for the horror of abortion. But instead, it sounded like she had weighed both - the American spirit and getting an abortion and decided that American spirit better. I think it is a bad idea to have grammatically ambiguous protest signs.