Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 338

Change is the nature of God’s mind, and resistance to it is the source of great pain.

Here's a way to break up an astrological love-fest: you just stick your head in the middle of the people and go, 'Uh, you know, Hitler was a Sagittarius.'

Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

I did have a love for literature that overpowered my hatred of the people who taught it, and I think because I had no respect for the teachers, their attitude didn’t poison the writing that I was discovering for myself.

On New Year's Eve, people in New Jersey stay up 'til midnight and watch their hopes drop.

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

Death is nature's way of saying, "Your table's ready."

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to life your head up and say: ‘Not today, you bastards.’

I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one?

I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked. I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says "Is it raining out" I couldn’t help my self when I replied "Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here's your sign!"

When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham.'

We used to root for the Indians against the cavalry, because we didn't think it was fair in the history books that when the cavalry won it was a great victory, and when the Indians won it was a massacre.