Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 338
I got on the property ladder this year. It’s murder getting that deposit together. You start having dark thoughts, looking at your mum and dad thinking, ‘If only they had an accident…’.
I did have a love for literature that overpowered my hatred of the people who taught it, and I think because I had no respect for the teachers, their attitude didn’t poison the writing that I was discovering for myself.
Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.
What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.
Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.
We ran out of classical music - that's how long this wedding went on.
You need an audience to help you figure out what’s working and what’s worth putting on your album or your special - or even just what’s worth touring with.
Jewish comics today are less jokey. Their humor comes at the end, rather than as in Vaudeville where the jokes came at you.
Wrestling’s like Broadway for Hillbillies. It’s the third-favorite white-trash pastime behind incest and NASCAR.
Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.
The biggest waste of brainpower is to want to change something that's not changeable.
I urge you to ask yourself just how honorable it is to preside over the abuse and suffering of animals.