Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 338

A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

Look at him, sex takes a holiday!

It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

My girlfriend said, "Emo, I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."

I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my own voicemails.

A friend of mine who works for naval intelligence said an aerial satellite revealed that 1.9 million attended the event in 1995. But if they would have had a rumble at the march the newspapers would have said that 75 million Afro-Americans were there.

I loathed every day and regret every day I spent in school.

Brian, relax, man. You’ve gotta relax when you make the crank calls.

Sure I may look adjusted, but I can’t function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.

Here's how it works: Mexican people are called beaners, okay? I said it! That's right, I said it! I am a funny motherfucker!

A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

She wrote me this beautiful letter, and I read it, and at the bottom, I crossed her name off, and I wrote my own name, and I sent it back to her. And I never heard from her ever again. Apparently, she didn't like what she wrote.

Instead of uniting America, we want to separate each other because, you know, Mexicans eat tacos and white people eat beef stroganoff and black people eat chicken. 'That makes us different.' No, that makes you hungry.