Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 338
I love New York, though I'll never eat any of the ice creams that they sell in the park. That's just disgusting. You see the little picture of them? They all have a little bite taken out of them already.
I had my back waxed once by two women... and at one point they said, "Do you mind if we take a break?"
Nobody can stop you but you. And shame on you if you're the one who stops yourself.
What is dumber than a blind person with a gun? The idiot who handed them the gun. Where do you hide from a blind person with a gun? How do you make a noise that ain't like a rabbit?
It says here that you are a compulsive gambler and that you are wanted by the police. Is this correct?
I know I'm in England because this morning, my stomach got up two hours before I did and had a cup of tea! I've had so much tea, I slosh when I walk! You have to drink tea - I've tasted the coffee!
If we're destroying our trees and destroying our environment and hurting animals and hurting one another and all that stuff, there's got to be a very powerful energy to fight that. I think we need more love in the world. We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. I definitely want to contribute to that.
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city’s. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open.
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Women don't care, man. If the beat's all right, she will dance all night! I've seen girls on the floor dancing to the nastiest shit ever made. It's like, "Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick! … I put a dick in the ear, a dick in the ear! … Fuck her in the eye, fuck her in the eye! … Blind the bitch, blind the bitch!"