Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 338

I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.

Tina Fey is my comedy wife. I have known her for almost a double decade. We met each other when we were poor and single. Now we are both rich as shit and have husbands all over the world. People think of us as a ‘comedy team’ and I am not quick to correct them. Why wouldn’t I want to connect myself to the fiercest and most talented voice in the comedy world?

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.

If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! "This is a rap killing. Let's go home!"

If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.

Guys play characters that won't grow up and something catastrophic happens and they have to grow up to save the day - that's pretty much what today's comedy is about.

Death is nature's way of saying, "Your table's ready."

His tattoos are like shit that you wrote on the cover of your notebook.

I don’t like people who drink decaf coffee it’s like what. Why you drinking it? Like it taste so good? That’s like drinking non alcoholic vodka.

I think what's dangerous is the idea that someone can wash away your sins.

I think it's because my comedy is in your face, and it comes from a place that's real.

I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

She wrote me this beautiful letter, and I read it, and at the bottom, I crossed her name off, and I wrote my own name, and I sent it back to her. And I never heard from her ever again. Apparently, she didn't like what she wrote.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.