Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 339
I did have a love for literature that overpowered my hatred of the people who taught it, and I think because I had no respect for the teachers, their attitude didn’t poison the writing that I was discovering for myself.
I’m on my version of the protein diet, but there ain’t no protein in it. It’s a Krispy Kreme doughnut between two Cinnabons. And you soak it overnight in Red Bull. Then you chase it with a Snickers.
It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
Sure I may look adjusted, but I can’t function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.
I thought that was funny, but nobody else did. I was mostly entertaining myself, though. My parents both had a great sense of humor, and always laughed a lot. One night, when they were watching Candid Camera, I finally understood what comedy was all about. I heard the laughter on television, I turned around and saw my parents laughing, and that's when I thought: 'This is great. This is what I can do. I'm gonna prank somebody.'
You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.
I had to have a brace because I had big teeth. If I’d gone to Africa I would have got poached.
She had a little quirk! A little glitch. We’d get into an argument, I would present my side of the argument. Her retort would invariably be to... punch me in the face.
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
Staying in a hotel this time. They put me up in a little bit of a shithole. Yeah. Just this side of rinky dink. The first 7 floors are a homeless shelter, but I'm on 8.
One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, "By the way, you know I'm fake, right?"
Even if you didn't see the movie, you'd see two words you'd never seen put together before - comedy and Muslim. Comedy is friendly - it's the least offensive word in our language.
"Would you like a nice cold fish head? They're frozen solid: frozen head of fish, the eyeballs in there and the skeleton's coming out. It comes with a turnip and a spork." "I was wishing you had one of them left; wishing upon a star."