Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 372
The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can’t hurt us again until tomorrow.
I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.
In my old neighborhood, a boy stopped playing when he began to lose his pulse. And then he became the referee.
My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, "Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?"
I wish someone would just start Fly At Your Own Risk Airlines. How 'bout that? You can have your hair gel, you can have your lighter, you can have a fucking gun, how bout that? You can show up at the gate five minutes before the plane leaves, and pay in cash, like in the good ol' 1980's. The ticket just says "shit happens" on the back, because that's the way it is anyway.
Al Gore has found a new job. He is going to teach journalism at Columbia University, which is ironic isn't it? The guy who did all the coke winds up going to the White House, the guy who didn't do coke goes to Columbia.
She's never seen a single Paul Walker movie? That's a huge Oh-No-No! She also doesn't care about Blu-ray?!
Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.
It is better to risk starving to death then surrender. If you give up on your dreams, what's left?
If you had a personal trainer, you would probably eat him. I know that in every fat person, there's a skinny person inside, but you could have all the season's contestants of America's Next Top Model in you. I hope I get reincarnated as your feet. That way, you'd never see my face again... Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have insulted you. Because in my country, cows are sacred.
Nothing good comes from Switzerland! Cuckoo clocks and fucking Toblerones!
The only sport I really get into is snowboarding. Cause that’s the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.
Art and resistance are great together. That's what art's made for. Look at Vincent van Gogh: He didn't cut off his ear because he was selling well.