Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 372

So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Times reported that 63% of American families are now considered dysfunctional. My God! That means we're the majority. We're normal! It's the people who have the mommy, the daddy, the brother, the sister, the little white picket fence - those people are the freaks, man!

Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.

My first appearance as a guest on The Tonight Show was in '81.

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I know what you guys are thinking: Oh Bo, you tackle such taboo subjects, you know, is there anything off limits? Anything you don't find funny? Anything you think is too sacred to laugh at? And the truth is, there is... White people. I think we've been through enough...

It's just an easy catchall to describe a style because there are a lot of alternative comics who are completely different from each other.

First of all, none of the kids knew what I was, because they'd ask 'what are you, a sub?' Sub is prefix for below. They'd all say sub, sub. I didn't know if I was a ship, a sandwich...

I think pornography is the only art form where you can be videotaped on a shaky handy cam sucking off a horse and be considered a star.

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

I don't normally talk about my religion publicly because I don't want people to associate me and my flaws with this beautiful thing. And I believe it is beautiful if you learn it the right way.

You know what the problem is with world hunger? We've been sending them food.

Art and resistance are great together. That's what art's made for. Look at Vincent van Gogh: He didn't cut off his ear because he was selling well.

I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, "Ray's Up And Coming Pizza" would be fine.