Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 372

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

Economy is essential to all good art.

I just went through a break up, actually. I'm not worried about meeting someone else or being lonely. I'm just worried about all the pictures. But my mom always told me, you know, ever since I was a little girl, 'Never put your face in them.'

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

When you don't have love, it is like there's a party going on and everybody was invited except for you... and you just happen to walk by that house in the rain.

The term 'celebrity' makes my skin crawl.

I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.

Life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy by yourself and for yourself. Happiness comes from within. You have the power to change your own mindset so that all the negative, horrible thoughts that try to invade your psyche are replaced with happy, positive, wonderful thoughts.

Once you begin to believe there is help "out there," you will know it to be true.

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It’s sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies.

My whole act is off the top of my head.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

I just got a new iPod. It’s got 80 gigabytes. Because I like to jog for three weeks at a time and I do not want to hear the same song twice.

Cable cars are fun - everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey.