Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 392

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.

Never laugh at your significant other when they're having an orgasm. That is their time to shine.

When you give to American Throat Cancer or whatever, it's almost like you're trying to buy karma. But you don't feel good about it because you know most of that is going to mailers and buying pink ribbons. When you fucking actually change a life like that, I've never felt better. That's something that, hopefully, I'll be talking about when I'm up there.

The question is, ‘how bad at sports were you as a kid?’ I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren’t tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers…

I took a public speaking class in college and managed to make the class laugh a little bit.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

"My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'"

The thing that drives me crazy is when comics say 'I have low self-esteem.' No you don't. You're standing on stage asking people to pay. You don't play an instrument. You want people to pay to hear what's in your mind. You don't have low self-esteem. You might have other problems.

So what happens when nerds all get rich is: there’s a politics to it. Where there is money there is power. So then everyone else is like: “Hey nerds are great!”

There are a couple of images I really love in this movie. One is crossing into Pakistan illegally to see a group of guys who ordinarily you'd think would want to kill you, but they want to be stand-up comedians.

In the past I’ve been hard on the vegans. I’ve called them Prius-driving fascists, but now I am one of them. I have been turned to the dark side.