Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 392

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

I waited at the counter of a white restaurant for eleven years. When they finally integrated, they didn't have what I wanted.

People are their most beautiful when they are laughing, crying, dancing, playing, telling the truth, and being chased in a fun way.

I'm scared of slipping up, of just doing a joke that makes me laugh.

I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.

My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I has the chance.

What's important is that you stay true to yourself. Because when you enter the real world, the most valuable thing you can bring is all your you-ness. The world doesn't need any more hot chicks or tough guys or smooth talkers - the world needs more you. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

My first appearance as a guest on The Tonight Show was in '81.

First of all, none of the kids knew what I was, because they'd ask 'what are you, a sub?' Sub is prefix for below. They'd all say sub, sub. I didn't know if I was a ship, a sandwich...

My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy.

So what happens when nerds all get rich is: there’s a politics to it. Where there is money there is power. So then everyone else is like: “Hey nerds are great!”

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want Youngman! We want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what they want!"

I ain't no movie star, man. I'm a booty star.

It's your aptitude, not just your attitude that determines your ultimate altitude.

I was in Vancouver, and I was in what I was told was the poorest neighborhood in North America - which I find very hard to believe because has anyone here ever been to Detroit?