Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 392

Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?

Who hasn't taken birth control pills to treat menstrual cramps? That's like me going to give a blowjob for menstrual cramps.

I think my one of my strengths in standup is my ability to adlib. I do all my best writing on stage. I can sit down and write jokes, but I'd rather go on stage with a premise or an idea and let the jokes come that way. My creative juices are never flowing any better than when I'm onstage.

Spent most of the summer looking for shade. Driving around. Shade. Please? Driving in malls. I'll park a mile away I don't care. I'm just looking for a tree branch, anything. Long weed. Big leaf, get the front corner panel under it. Oh precious shade, I have it - you don't!

I've finally been able to trust and have intimacy with somebody, which I've never been able to do. Like a lot of guys, I just have a hard time getting that connected. I can actually sleep with her in my arms - spoons position, right? Women smile, they love the spoons. Men would rather fork.

Every time I do a movie where it gets physical, I say never again.

I want to do movies that I'm proud of where my kids, at some point, can see and I can feel comfortable sitting there watching it with them. And just that move people. That make people feel a little bit better about themselves when they leave the theatre.

My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.

I mean, maybe one day we will live in a more optimum world where terrorists come in every color of the rainbow. But the truth is, now they don't. I mean, the people who are trying to get us are young Muslim men, period.

With my old man I got no respect. When he told me I should start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.

Apparently the guards put sperm in Paris Hilton’s porridge when she was in prison. That’s got to be horrible for her. “Eurgh! There’s porridge in this!”

There are nine Supreme Court members and nine people on a baseball team. Coincidence? Yes.

I sort of felt sorry for the damned flies. They never hurt anybody. Even though they were supposed to carry diseases I never heard of anybody saying they caught something form a fly. My cousin gave two guys the clap and nobody ever whacked her with a paper.