Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 393
Yeah you may have fucked up today, but you can still not fuck up tomorrow.
You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best.
In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
The presence of excessive wealth puts an unnatural spin on the appreciation of art.
Jessica Simpson attended boyfriend Tony Romo’s football game. The Cowboys quarterback had the worst game of his career. It’s a bad year for the name Simpson. Even O. J. is pissed - he feels like they’re making his name look bad.
Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.
Why go to France when you can smell the same people in coffee shops here in America.
I wish someone would just start Fly At Your Own Risk Airlines. How 'bout that? You can have your hair gel, you can have your lighter, you can have a fucking gun, how bout that? You can show up at the gate five minutes before the plane leaves, and pay in cash, like in the good ol' 1980's. The ticket just says "shit happens" on the back, because that's the way it is anyway.
I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don’t.
Jack Benny was, without a doubt, the bravest comedian I have ever seen work. He wasn't afraid of silence. He would take as long as it took to tell the story.
When I saw the sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."