Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 393
You walk into a strip club with a wad of cash; they all flock around you. Strippers are just pigeons with tits. They go where the bread is.
According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.
Heard someone say "children are god's gift to the world". What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift?
Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.
My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
I don't ever want to be Number One because once you become Number One, you start to change.
I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
It's almost like he's started to sound even more exotic the more people started doing him. I don't know why, but there's just something about Al Gore that makes me laugh.
I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being... me.
My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.
You know what they said in California? I saw it on C-Span - people we vote for - this is what they said, 'I propose that we kick all of the illegal aliens out of this country. Then we build a super-fence so they can't get back in.' And I went, 'Um, who's gonna build it?'
I'm now unemployed. It's a weird feeling with no work, but at least there's still golf. Standup comedy is like my core, it's what I do. But I want to be a pro golfer. It's a love/hate relationship with golf. I can come away feeling so serene, and yet, it's the thing that I can let get to me to throw a club and say curses that don't even exist. I'm obsessed with something that won't let me master it. I don't know. I need therapy.
It says, 'It's safest to let them sleep alone, especially if you drink, use drugs or are overweight.' Yeah, I thought that was weird, too. But if you think about it, if you're drunk, stoned or really fat, in the middle of the night, that baby might look delicious. I've eaten weirder things.
I wish I had a condom on right now at the bar. If only I had a piece of disgusting, greasy rubber just strangling the base of my tallywacker with enough force to cause my eyes to fly out on springs, like someone from a Warner Brothers cartoon, and ripping out pubic hairs in eight different locations - what a night!