Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 393
I flew out here on Southwest Airlines. Southwest has a plane that's painted like Shamu the whale from Sea World. Yeah, that'll be easy to find if that went down in the ocean. That'll be nice, when you're trying to get out and a real whale's humping your window.
So what happens when nerds all get rich is: there’s a politics to it. Where there is money there is power. So then everyone else is like: “Hey nerds are great!”
Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.
It's botherin' me, man. You know, "you can't say this, you can't say that," I'm like, well, how am I gonna talk about the world? You know? I mean I need to talk about something to you all, can I - can I do it? Can I talk to y'all? I mean, I hope the kids are in bed, you know, because I got to talk, y'all.
Yeah you may have fucked up today, but you can still not fuck up tomorrow.
Gotta love whitewater rafting. Ten of us are going. Eight will come back. Don’t forget to wear your toe tag. Sometimes the bodies don’t float down the river for a week or so.
You got a cop under five feet tall, what if he's gotta plant evidence on a high shelf? What then? What if he's gotta chase a suspect onto a ride at Disneyland?
How do you 'accidentally' shoot a nigga in the chest six times? 'Well, my gun fell and just went crazy!'
I recently found out about this other super movie star. He only works from about 11:00 to 4:00, so all his movies take like 120 days. But this was a lot of stuff to do in 35 days.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life...
I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from... you heterosexuals.
I'm now unemployed. It's a weird feeling with no work, but at least there's still golf. Standup comedy is like my core, it's what I do. But I want to be a pro golfer. It's a love/hate relationship with golf. I can come away feeling so serene, and yet, it's the thing that I can let get to me to throw a club and say curses that don't even exist. I'm obsessed with something that won't let me master it. I don't know. I need therapy.