Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 394

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Rock Against Drugs, what a name. Somebody was high when they came up with that title. It's like Christians Against Christ. Rock created drugs.

You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

On the wall someone always has to write, “Mike was here” but someone draws an arrow and writes "Mike is a faggot." Like Mike is coming back to check it out. "What the fuck is this? I was here but not as a faggot! I’m trying to make a statement here!"

I've got an accountant who's been with me forty years. If he makes a mistake, he dies.

Gotta love whitewater rafting. Ten of us are going. Eight will come back. Don’t forget to wear your toe tag. Sometimes the bodies don’t float down the river for a week or so.

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

I love anybody funny - even people who are bastards, who are evil people, the meanest people you can imagine, even if they treat me horrifically or they treat people like shit - just because they're funny. Being funny is a jewel in the crown of life.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.'

I'd like to make you laugh for about ten minutes though I'm gonna be on for an hour.

Fang had a terrible accident. He found a job.

Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.

My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what's surprised me is my daughter can do an English accent. I don't know how she learned this.