Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 394
Hey, what do you expect from a culture that drives on parkways and parks on driveways?
You know what they said in California? I saw it on C-Span - people we vote for - this is what they said, 'I propose that we kick all of the illegal aliens out of this country. Then we build a super-fence so they can't get back in.' And I went, 'Um, who's gonna build it?'
I'm now unemployed. It's a weird feeling with no work, but at least there's still golf. Standup comedy is like my core, it's what I do. But I want to be a pro golfer. It's a love/hate relationship with golf. I can come away feeling so serene, and yet, it's the thing that I can let get to me to throw a club and say curses that don't even exist. I'm obsessed with something that won't let me master it. I don't know. I need therapy.
Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
I wish I had a condom on right now at the bar. If only I had a piece of disgusting, greasy rubber just strangling the base of my tallywacker with enough force to cause my eyes to fly out on springs, like someone from a Warner Brothers cartoon, and ripping out pubic hairs in eight different locations - what a night!
People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your hotel. On your arrival, you get $100 in quarters. Take that $100 back to your hotel room and stare at it for a long, long time. Why? Because you're never going to see them again. Then you take those quarters to the bathroom and you flush them, one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is that every so often the toilet will back up, and you'll feel like a winner!
Bret, you got it goin' on! "Got it goin' on!" Not in a gay way but in a hey-your-lookin'-ok-man!
I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don’t.
Talk about sexist - have you ever, ever, heard someone come up to a woman and say ‘find your masculine side?’ And by the way women, if you find your masculine side - I’m not interested.
I'm so wrapped up in my work that it's often impossible to consider other things in my life. My marriage ended in divorce because of this, my relationship with Holly has suffered by this.
Religion has what is easily the greatest bullshit story of all time.
Take a drink from the water fountain. Water's running nice and brown. Tastes like an iron mine.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.