Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 394
I'm Bo yo I'm the greatest rapper ever ever and I'll whether you weather, whether you think you better your not don't need a sweater I'm hot, I'm a really cool shorty who can really find your g-spot... what the fucks a g-spot.
I waited at the counter of a white restaurant for eleven years. When they finally integrated, they didn't have what I wanted.
I'd like a game show with millionaires on it, and they have to play with their own money, and they can't win money, they can only lose 'til one them goes complete broke, and the show's called 'Ha Ha, Now You're Poor.'
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
If I was to really get at the burr in my saddle, it’s not politics - and this is, I think, probably a horrible analogy - but I look at politicians as, they are doing what inherently they need to do to retain power. Their job is to consolidate power. When you go to the zoo and you see a monkey throwing poop, you go, ‘That’s what monkeys do, what are you gonna do?’ But what I wish the media would do more frequently is say, 'Bad monkey.'
Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like, "Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?"
The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself, especially when everybody is watching.
I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American - you know, you grow.
Women are like potato chips. They better come with my fucking sandwich.
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
My fondest childhood memory is I made out with my babysitter, Cathy. She stops in the middle of everything: "We have to stop this. I feel like such a whore." "Why? I'm not paying you - my parents are! Come here!"
If you've dated a woman over five years and she wants a boob job... she ain't getting it for you. She is putting fresh meat on a new hook, that's all it is. She is trolling for idiot "B," because you have not lived up to her financial expectations. So she's gonna cast those double D's out into the dating pool.