Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 394

Every time I do a movie where it gets physical, I say never again.

I want to do movies that I'm proud of where my kids, at some point, can see and I can feel comfortable sitting there watching it with them. And just that move people. That make people feel a little bit better about themselves when they leave the theatre.

She says to me during the act of lovemaking, 'Hey Daniel, what's it like having sex with a condom on?' And I'm like, 'How should I know?'

I don't think anybody should go through life without a team of psychologists. I have been through times when I'm literally squatting in the living room, having one of those open-throated cries, where you're crying all the way to your butthole. I always believed I would come out of it, though.

Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.

Blast this Christmas music! It's joyful and triumphant.

The thing that drives me crazy is when comics say 'I have low self-esteem.' No you don't. You're standing on stage asking people to pay. You don't play an instrument. You want people to pay to hear what's in your mind. You don't have low self-esteem. You might have other problems.

So what happens when nerds all get rich is: there’s a politics to it. Where there is money there is power. So then everyone else is like: “Hey nerds are great!”

There are nine Supreme Court members and nine people on a baseball team. Coincidence? Yes.

I was doing sketches that were funny but socially irresponsible. I felt I was deliberately being encouraged and I was overwhelmed.

According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.

Heard someone say "children are god's gift to the world". What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift?

Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

Let me tell you about Australia. It’s really, really, really, far from wherever you live on Earth. You fly and you fly and you fly. Then relativity takes over and you get younger and younger. And when you land, you’re a gleam in your father’s eye.