Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 401
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'
Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed.
Upstate New York in the middle of October. You can't get more beautiful than that.
When I was in high school the worst thing you could ever get was VD. Talk about the sniffles! I just want to meet an old-fashioned girl with gonorrhea.
We did it for nine years, No. 1, and the Fox Children's Network moved it into a different direction, of the Power Rangers and other stuff.
I can tell you now what I couldn't tell the studio then: Purely in case the movie was like a monster smash, I would have gotten too recognized.
I just like observing people - it's something I've done ever since I was a kid, and I got really good at it. That's a big part of why I became a comedian. My audience is filled with every kind of person you can imagine, and I love that.
Democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head - this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.
Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.
I'm always a big fan of if you approach somebody politely about something and you're not a nudge - you're just pretty honest and simple, my kind of philosophy is that I'm not afraid of 'no,' and that's way different than 'I won't take no for an answer.'
Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.
Once my mom caught me in bed with a chicken. Boy, was there egg on my face!
All comedians are, in a way, anarchists. Our job is to make fun of the existing world.