Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 401

I'm Dave Chappelle and I'm a chronic masturbator.

Ever drive by one of those things on the highway which tells you how fast you’re going? I don’t even pay attention to them anymore because I found a similar gadget in my dashboard… Some people slow down at those things… I don’t slow down. I speed up and set the high score.

Like my father I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska.

Ours is a youth culture, and like a golf tournament, we honor only low scores.

I think of myself as a fairly attractive girl and always have, thanks to my mom. I was brought into this world thinking I was gorgeous because my mother was extremely devoted to this notion.

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

What's important is that you stay true to yourself. Because when you enter the real world, the most valuable thing you can bring is all your you-ness. The world doesn't need any more hot chicks or tough guys or smooth talkers - the world needs more you. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

Heard someone say "children are god's gift to the world". What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift?

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

When white people eat potato chips, they're called white people. When black people eat potato chips, they're called niggas.

I'm so old they've canceled my blood type.

The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.