Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 401

Jordan's gonna have a case of "assus beatus redus". That's Latin for I'm gonna beat his ass until it glows.

Take a drink from the water fountain. Water's running nice and brown. Tastes like an iron mine.

I just got back from New York. You ever been there? There was a big gay parade going on there when I was there, and I never been to one of them, and I like a parade. I always like a parade. So, I go there, and it turns out, it's just a bunch of gay guys.

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.

There's got to be structure and great comedy. When you start with that, everything else falls into place.

There are certain parts of a classic nerd’s brain that can destroy that person - obsessing about things to the detriment of everything else in your life. But those are the same tools that you can use to turn everything around.

Jews don’t daydream. ‘Cause folks are after them and they gotta stay sharp. They haven’t let their minds wander since Egypt.

My friends, they only want to know one thing: 'Did you score? Did you score? Did you score? Did you score?' Hey, guess what - news flash, guys - a date's not a sporting event. A date's an opportunity to be in the presence of another individual and celebrate the unique-osity of that person. And no - I didn't fucking score!

Holy shit, everything comes from China nowadays. Do we make anything in America besides porn and autistic kids anymore?

Some tips for life: 1. Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2. Be kind to people. 3. Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead. 4. In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5. Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.

I was in the band when I was a kid, I played the trumpet.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

The presence of excessive wealth puts an unnatural spin on the appreciation of art.

Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

I always get screwed by the system. That's my place in the universe. I'm the system's bitch.