Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 443

This town was built on nepotism.

We're hoping that this will also be the key to starting community events in a place where the whole community can come together. We've been working with the town on the total renovation.

The man who accused Richard Simmons of slapping him in an airport has dropped the assault charge. Dropped it! Upon hearing the news, Simmons sadly responded, "You mean I'm not going to prison?"

It is hard to quit smoking. Every one of them looks real good to me right about now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's pussy.

The TV news people keep saying that this could be the greatest Christmas we ever had. I kind of thought the first one was.

I also say that if there isn't a response to what's been happening to the people out there, there's going to be a great explosion one of these days, and this will not be one of the nicest places to live.

I saw a can said Pepsi Free and I said "That means it don't have Pepsi in it. That's a Coke." Hog futures; I heard that. Hogs don't have no future. Bacon is not a career.

She puts the "bra" in abracadabra.

I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse.

I wanted to do something different, but it`s a weird transition you`re making here. You`re trying to get the audience to come with you.

It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it.

Stop looking at me swan.

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.

The most out-there thing I’m saying is, ‘Don’t have babies. Don’t get married and have kids. Have a larger life than that.'

A lot of people tell me this, too: "Don't worry about it. It's God's will. Y'know, you weren't meant to be together. God's will." God's will? Really, God got involved in this? Really? Twenty years with somebody, twenty years of my life pretty much gone? All the money I made, the career I chose, pretty much torn to pieces? Two little kids' lives shattered? Really, God? Is that how you work? This brutal, disemboweling nightmare… is you? 'Cause if that's the case, then there is no God. And God said unto me: "Christopher... I did this so you could meet a 29-year-old, 5'11" Diesel jeans model who has two college degrees and already paid for her own boob job." How shall I serve thee, Lord?