Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 443
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.
It always helps to think about other people instead of ourselves.
Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.
The average comedian is kind of an observer looking at everyday things that everyone could relate to and then trying to find the exaggeration in those things.
People thought this would be an award show - but we couldn't get anybody to open up the envelopes. I've been backstage at a lot of rock concerts, and I've never seen musicians run away from white powder before!
Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they'd also instinctively know how to decorate them.
We stock up on popcorn and candy like we're crossing the Sierras, don't we? "I'll have a couple of soft pretzels, a hot dog, Milk Duds, Snocaps. Is that the largest popcorn you've got there, that bucket? You don't have a barrel or anything like that? Do you have a donkey or a pack mule or anything? - Oh, and a Diet Coke."
I have a funny family, but none of them are remotely in show business.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?