Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 443
When you're constantly looking for things from other people, you're not looking within yourself.
Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.
If a titty is pretty, it's dirty but not if it's bloody and maimed.
I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley's 'Believe It or Not' and he sent it back and said, 'I don't believe it.'
A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.
"What would Jesus drive?" I don't know about you, but I always picture my God having a driver. Well, Jesus would naturally have an SUV, cause He always had those twelve idiots hanging around, making Him change shit into food every four and a half minutes. "See the cigarette? It's a fish. Leave me alone."
I’m not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.
I am fortunate to have had the opportunity to usher the program through its early stages of growth. For 10 years I have approached my responsibilities with pride and with passion. It has been a tremendous experience to work with our amazing student-athletes.
The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular.
How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.
Rumer Willis was having a great time at the opening of a club when her twin walked in, also known as her dad, Bruce Willis. How embarrassing for her, she’s out with her friends and they’re like, ‘Umm, Rumer, I think your dad put something in my drink.’
Few, very few, will ever be able to craft a joke as beautifully as Pat. He was able to just make it all happen. I don't think he was great at telling them, but he was sure great at putting them down.
You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?