Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 443
President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have a ball. I'll blow up the balloons myself.
Yesterday I returned a movie. The people at the theater were pissed.
I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.
I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.
No, I don’t text her, "It was nice meeting you". I wait eight weeks and I text her, "What’s cracking?"
Any female teachers watching the show tonight, you've got to quit dating the students. That's the least we expect out of you. When I was 14 years old, my teacher wouldn't let me bang the erasers.
It's impossible for me to hear the words "quadruple murder suicide" without thinking of my grandparents.
To me, comedies are usually the least funny movies. Movies that are actually a comedy are usually not all that funny. To me Goodfellas and Raging Bull are two of the funniest movies I ever saw.
The most out-there thing I’m saying is, ‘Don’t have babies. Don’t get married and have kids. Have a larger life than that.'
I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes every day and soon Ill be telling them every night. Just me, one Jew talking and that's it.
It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that have to announce that I ate kale and liked it.
I've never had anyone put on a puppet show to convince me of anything. And I've done a lot of stuff. I don't know that I would put the puppets on when I was pitching a show. This was the head of the studio putting a puppet show on. And I'll tell you, he wasn't bad.
Heard on the radio this morning about a guy who walked into a bank and presented a teller with a note that read "I have a gun. Give me all your money. Bang." The teller gave him the money and he walked out of the bank. He was caught only a short while later. Why? He had written the note on the back of his parole card.