Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 444
People expect me to do the classics, and it is a lot like playing a favorite song.
The people you would have overdose on drugs never would. Like Motley Crue would never fucking overdose, man, never. You could put them in a room with two tons of crack, they'd come out half an hour later, going "Rock on man!"
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life.
Am I the only person who blames global warming entirely on the Amish? Are they not a constant reminder of how awful life would be without all this great technology? Every time I want to cut back and conserve on natural resources, I just look at the Amish and I'm like, 'Fuck that.'
You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television.
If we had 3 million exhibitionists and only one voyeur, nobody could make any money.
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
You can't touch the strippers. Why are you paying to not touch someone? That is weird. How do you win in that situation? That is like walking into a deli, starving, and being like, 'Here's $300 - can I stare at the roast beef? Better yet, I'll sit down in this chair and you can mash it around my mouth and balls.'
Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.
My mother was supportive without knowing it. Deep down she wanted all the right things, she just didn't see the world like I did, and she's not supposed to.
A “Nerd” is someone who homes in on a topic to an almost quantum detail, much of the time at the expense of healthy social interaction.
Yes you can tell how good a guy is on bed by the way he dances. If a guy is excellent at dancing he’s also probably really great at having sex… with men… having anal sex.