Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 444

I saw a can said Pepsi Free and I said "That means it don't have Pepsi in it. That's a Coke." Hog futures; I heard that. Hogs don't have no future. Bacon is not a career.

You shoot saltwater in your ass?

A lot of people tell me this, too: "Don't worry about it. It's God's will. Y'know, you weren't meant to be together. God's will." God's will? Really, God got involved in this? Really? Twenty years with somebody, twenty years of my life pretty much gone? All the money I made, the career I chose, pretty much torn to pieces? Two little kids' lives shattered? Really, God? Is that how you work? This brutal, disemboweling nightmare… is you? 'Cause if that's the case, then there is no God. And God said unto me: "Christopher... I did this so you could meet a 29-year-old, 5'11" Diesel jeans model who has two college degrees and already paid for her own boob job." How shall I serve thee, Lord?

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.

It’s about something that strikes you as funny but I do it with a Christian world view: why we think the way we do based on God’s plan. I lift up my God and my country and I resist political correctness.

Great Canadian comics are often outsiders and insiders at the same time. That's a great perspective for a comedian.

Be quick to learn and wise to know.

I want to recriminalise homosexuality, so i can feel dirty when i do it.

Home is wherever I am. People make too big a deal about where you live. I try to be grounded in myself. Home is another way of saying 'a place where you keep all your stuff'.

I’m not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well... like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!

It's heart-wrenching because they often need the money.

I was bused to a school in Gerritsen Beach in Brooklyn in 1972. I was one of the first black kids in the history of the school.

I like the escalator. Because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be a escalator temporary out of order sign, only an “Escalator temporarily stair. Sorry for the convenience.”

The most unusual salesman I ever met is a fellow who made a modest fortune purveying lightning rods. But he suddenly lost interest in his work. He got caught in a storm with a bunch of samples in his arms.