Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 452

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.

I don't do these things to be mean, I do them to make money.

Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways.

If your belief is hateful towards people, I couldn’t respect that.

Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, "Those Chinese people, they can fly!" "You know about the Puerto Ricans... they're made of candy!"

The problem is that we live in an uptight country. Why don't we just laugh at ourselves? We are funny. Gays are funny. Straights are funny. Women are funny. Men are funny. We are all funny, and we all do funny things. Let's laugh about it.

Be quick to learn and wise to know.

My dogs love me. Of course, by "love" I mean "poop" and by "me" I mean "everywhere".

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"

Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.

White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.