Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 451
No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.
It's the competition that I think is weird. They're not lifting weights. It's like, 'Alright, Kalkrovich, we fill these grand pianos with molten lead. See how many you can hurl in that third story window in 30 seconds.'
Why would you die for someone's sins? Your sins are the only thing interesting about you, you dreary, bleak motherfuckers.
Kids love me. I can bounce back and forth. I can discipline kids, and I can get into the mind of a kid. In my brain, I consider myself the ultimate video game player. The ultimate snack maker.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Some ladies got the shower massager. Oh, man, you better buy her a diamond 'cause if she got a shower massager, she don't really need you anymore. That shower massager makes a woman shake like a car on bad gas going up a hill.
Imagine people calling you to find out if you're dead. I've led a real crazy life at times, and I've had many strange things happen to me, but that was one of the strangest.
I work for a few at home who are devoted. People who are up now. Either they have some sort of bladder problem or they're extremely drunk. This is my crowd, these are the people I hope to get.
I found our cat the other day. I would have found him a week ago, but we’ve got a grass bag on the lawn mower.
We go to school to learn to communicate, but all the teachers say to us is "shut up!"
Listen, you don't know any better so I'll just tell you. You can't try to save money by not having the right beer. You know, you can skip having medical insurance, you can buy everything you own at a swap meet but the right beer is what makes living like this possible.