Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 459
It's the competition that I think is weird. They're not lifting weights. It's like, 'Alright, Kalkrovich, we fill these grand pianos with molten lead. See how many you can hurl in that third story window in 30 seconds.'
Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.
Joan Rivers, who said to Marcel Marceau, "Can we talk?" Never got a dinner!
Liz Taylor is dead. I dont know why people are shocked… I thought she died years ago.
When I buy a new book, I read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends.
I feel like every time I go out, I want to do a good job. I want people to say that he's just as good at stand-up as he is in some of the movies I've seen him in, so I try to do the best every time I go out there.
You know what. I didn’t ask to be here... Sue my mother. She is the one who had the fucking goal to create life without it’s consent.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
I've always wondered, what am I going to do that's important with these stupid jokes that I tell.
They hate us in other countries. Because we’re arrogant. We don’t know the name of nobody else’s president. Other countries know G.W. (Bush) They know him. But why they hate us because we don’t know and we don’t care. Because they’ll be like, “Hey, do you know the name of my countries leader?” <br /> And you’ll be like, “No.”<br /> “Well, his name..”<br /> “No. Don’t tell me that. I don’t want to hear that.”
President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have a ball. I'll blow up the balloons myself.
If God didn't want men to hunt, he wouldn't have given him plaid shirts.