Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 459
You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television.
Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
If we had 3 million exhibitionists and only one voyeur, nobody could make any money.
It changed my whole outlook. I lost a decade to self-pity, and the next thing I knew I was turning 40.
If anything happens to me tell every woman I've ever gone out with I was talking about her at the end. That way they'll have to reevaluate me.
If what you've done is stupid, but it works... then it really isn't all that stupid.
Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it.
It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary... but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.
The show doesn't drive home a lesson, but it can open up people's minds enough for them to see how stupid every kind of prejudice can be.
I used to go to the Cleveland Comedy Club all the time. If there was a comic I liked, I'd go see him two or three times that week. Bob Saget was one of those guys.
Love. Hygiene. That's the important thing. Hygiene. The toughest thing in the world: you have to turn to your mate one night and say: "You gotta wash your ass!" Shit. Knowing how difficult it is, I said it for you: you gotta wash your ass.