Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 459
Over the years, I have been subjected to many indignities, all for the sake of Art. If I ever catch him, I'm going to kill the guy.
It was like a family reunion, watching the movie. It's always a good feeling when I can get a screening for my family.
Every little kid has always wanted to be a race car driver. This gets some of that out.
You can get to the next level if you're willing to give up everything and give everything you have in your heart to make it.
One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; it's Shake Shack, the burger place. I miss Shake Shack.
And I was just thinking: as much as I really admire your shoes, and as much as I'd love to have a pair just like them, I really wouldn't want to be "in" your shoes at this particular time and place.
When I walk into that (Sears) Craftsman tool department, my nipples get rock-hard!
And so it has come to this. I am one of the lucky people in the world. I found something that I always wanted to do and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
Comedy Central, they told me I had to watch my language because, the woman said, they had 'standards and practices.' I was like, wait a minute - you're Comedy Central. Aren't you the network where your number one show is a cartoon with a talking piece of shit?
I'll probably never have children because I don't believe in touching people for any reason.
I buy about $1,500 worth of papers every month. Not that I trust them. I'm looking for the crack in the fabric.
I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California I have to go to prison don't I? I think you only get three.
I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny.