Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 459
I just jot jokes down as I think of them, and then add them to the act the next time I’m on stage. Jokes are never really “done,” because each time you perform them you can add words or nuances that weren’t there before.
Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, "How's it going with that girl?" "One day at a time, man."
I pride myself on never using a cuss word on stage. Ever. I headline in Las Vegas every year, and this summer I am performing on an Alaskan cruise. Not too many comedians can pull that off. Funny thing is, my show doesn’t change for Vegas.
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
I learned early on that passion, stupidity and 80 ounces of cheap beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.
We live in a country where Rosa Parks had the courage and conviction to sit down long enough to start a revolution that lead to Al Sharpton screaming racism every time Barry Bonds gets indicted for taking performance enhancing drugs in order to break a home run record set by a black man who didn't even have the benefit of Advil.
It changed my whole outlook. I lost a decade to self-pity, and the next thing I knew I was turning 40.
Why would you beat up on a gay guy? I'm all for kickin' ass, but let's take out the enemy, you know, some good-looking straight dude with a nice car and job.
Ahhh, where is my face?! I lost so much face on that show, I don't even exist anymore!
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.