Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 460
Do you remember that politician who died with the fishnet tights and all that? Aw, his poor family. I wonder how they dress him in the coffin?
First of all, I'm not the kind of guy that likes to rehash the show and so forth and so on.
I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.
When I go through the airport and see white women walking through the airport barefooted, like athlete's feet don't exist, there's something wrong.
Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.
Why would you beat up on a gay guy? I'm all for kickin' ass, but let's take out the enemy, you know, some good-looking straight dude with a nice car and job.
I'm street smart. You can't con me. But that's just from living in New York. Now if a guy came from Mississippi somewhere, Ohio somewhere, to New York City for the first time, he don't have the street smarts. You can take him.
I'm, like, everybody's friend. I'm one of those dudes. I can be friends with anybody. Any race of person, any personality, I can kind of deal with them. I accept different types of people.
You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is good or bad. You just do what you think is funny, and either it works or you're finished. It's impossible to predict anything.
Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
Home is wherever I am. People make too big a deal about where you live. I try to be grounded in myself. Home is another way of saying 'a place where you keep all your stuff'.
Do ten or fifteen minutes up front of likeable material and then go to your vile self.
What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."