Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 460
When I’m buying car insurance I ask myself, ‘Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?’
Get a good dog. We have not picked up food in the kitchen in 15 years.
Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it.
Your first leader is your dad. 'course he controls your food and shelter, so, he's not really a leader, he's more of a fascist dictator. But dictators have dreams too. Your dad doesn't. He gave them up when he had you. So remember that next time you say, "I don't want to cut the lawn." Just shut up and mow the grass and save the lip for your teachers.
They say that exercise and proper diet are the keys to a longer life, Oh well.
One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; it's Shake Shack, the burger place. I miss Shake Shack.
Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.
When I go through the airport and see white women walking through the airport barefooted, like athlete's feet don't exist, there's something wrong.
My roommate in LA used to punch his girlfriend in the stomach. I could never believe what a bitch she was.
The problem is that we live in an uptight country. Why don't we just laugh at ourselves? We are funny. Gays are funny. Straights are funny. Women are funny. Men are funny. We are all funny, and we all do funny things. Let's laugh about it.