Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 460
Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, "How's it going with that girl?" "One day at a time, man."
People don't realize, or maybe they've forgotten, that there was a time in history when standup comedy wasn't something that you had to hide your kids' ears from.
I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.
Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a beer and some meatballs.
If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.
I can't shop for young kids. My good friends are angry at me because I bought their 5 yr-old a boy a "scene of the accident" coloring book.
I think the more you do this and the more comfortable you become on stage, you start speaking more and becoming more of a character in yourself.
Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.
If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
Nothing's as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.
A “Nerd” is someone who homes in on a topic to an almost quantum detail, much of the time at the expense of healthy social interaction.
I'm, like, everybody's friend. I'm one of those dudes. I can be friends with anybody. Any race of person, any personality, I can kind of deal with them. I accept different types of people.