Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 460

My roommate in LA used to punch his girlfriend in the stomach. I could never believe what a bitch she was.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

I was very good at kickball... I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school.

When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

Guys don't do that when they go out. Guys don't wear outfits that feature the dong.

My first words were "Seconds, please". Most kids in kindergarten napped on a little rug. I had a braided 9x12.

Little kids ask questions every second. She must have asked a thousand questions in one block, and finally, I panicked. She went, 'What are those clouds made of?' I'm an idiot anyway - I go, 'Steam from a hot dog.'

My husband is so useless that it’s hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, "If you love me, blink your eyes."

After a while, a joke, if you say it too much, just becomes contrived, or fake-sounding.

You know the little camel on the pack of cigarettes? They just found out that's not even a camel. It's actually a horse with a big, old tumor growing out of its mouth.

Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

I don’t want to be niche… I want to be as big as I can be. This album is not a rap album, I want to make pop. I don’t mean pop like Katy Perry, and I love that, I’ll play that shit at my wedding, but… Peter Gabriel’s pop, Hall & Oates was pop… but I want it to be real.

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.

The Comedy Store - all three rooms were filled with 800 people in the room. And during that time, all these guys and some women, but mostly guys who weren't funny were doing stand up for a living; they weren't accountants, they were making $30-$50 grand a year on the road, or more.