Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 461
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
Death, is good. If it's someone you don't like. Oh, c'mon! Vlad the impaler, I mean Hitler's dead, woohoo! No matter heinous someone is, remember, there's always a chance that deputy from Barstow will find their body in the desert rolled up in charred carpet.
I don't want someone coming in and passing judgment on my life.
I feel that in-person contact with people is the most important thing in comedy. While I'm up on stage, I can actually put myself into the audience and adjust my pace and tuning to them. I can get into their heads through their ears and through their eyes. Only through this total communication can I really achieve what I'm trying to do.
I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.
What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."
I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny.
I have the same friends I had in high school. I'm married to the same woman I had. I'm still driving the same car I had when I dated her, although I got a few more. I come in here and I enjoy it. I enjoy being a voyeur to show business. I enjoy looking at it and being around it. But it doesn't become my life. I don't let it absorb me.
She's always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she's like, 'You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.' I was like, 'Oh my god, who cares, right?' I mean it is weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.
I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California I have to go to prison don't I? I think you only get three.
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Metal is the feeling of being an outsider, but still being part of something huge.
Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.
Some people are just really goofy kind of guitar acts, and they go out and do these colleges and start making a fortune pretty early on. And other people - I know guys who are great comics, who've done the Letterman show many times, who still barely pay their bills.