Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 461

America is such a great country, we have fat poor people.

If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.

We go to school to learn to communicate, but all the teachers say to us is "shut up!"

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

Do you have one really punky sequinned jump-suit, Bowie, or do you have several ch-ch-changes?

Thomas Jefferson said, "The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." Yeah and I heard that and thought, "I'm out!"

Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a beer and some meatballs.

If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.

Always been a big heavy metal fan. I remember being 15 saying, "Dude I'm going to love heavy metal forever. Heavy metal til I'm 60." I'm 35 now. I think I'm going to give it one more year.

Remember that friend in High School, who wanted to make bongs out of everything? Making bongs out of apples and oranges and shit. One day you find your friend goin' "Hey look, man, I made a bong out of my head! Put the pot in this ear and suck it out of this one, go on take a hit!"

Adam, who said to Eve, "What do you mean you have nothing to wear?" Never got a dinner!

On a good night, I'm just into the flow and seeing the pictures and words in my mind clearly before I say them. On a bad night, which to be honest are nowhere near as bad as when I was starting out, I just concentrate on performing the routines correctly. I focus on my delivery.

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.