Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 461
One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; it's Shake Shack, the burger place. I miss Shake Shack.
To me there’s no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They’re all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.
I'll probably never have children because I don't believe in touching people for any reason.
Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are... Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We are all struggling for definition in a world that resists our increase.
A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
I went to Las Vegas. I was playing craps because I had a lot of money and I needed to lose it very quickly. Crap must have been the worse word available when that game was invented. If they invented it today, they’d have to call it “motherfucker.”
America is a bunch o' bullies. tell me what the Iraq uniform is like. Don't worry, I'll wait.
My roommate in LA used to punch his girlfriend in the stomach. I could never believe what a bitch she was.
The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. "D-D-D-Dave Dave." What? "K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa…" Write it down!
The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.
It's better to be known by six people for something you're proud of than by 60 million for something you're not.
For the most part, comedians are pretty friendly with each other. They always say they badmouth each other, but most of the time, they're friends. We're the only ones that can really stand our type of humor.
It's not even race; it's a certain type of person that gets 'Pootie Tang.'