Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 462

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.

You can't touch the strippers. Why are you paying to not touch someone? That is weird. How do you win in that situation? That is like walking into a deli, starving, and being like, 'Here's $300 - can I stare at the roast beef? Better yet, I'll sit down in this chair and you can mash it around my mouth and balls.'

We stock up on popcorn and candy like we're crossing the Sierras, don't we? "I'll have a couple of soft pretzels, a hot dog, Milk Duds, Snocaps. Is that the largest popcorn you've got there, that bucket? You don't have a barrel or anything like that? Do you have a donkey or a pack mule or anything? - Oh, and a Diet Coke."

I think we all feel the same things most of the time, we just don't know how to put it into words. When I'm on stage, I say it. The truth makes people laugh.

We have four beautiful children and some wonderful memories.

I got some pills and they were awesome - I took them for a long time. And my New Age-y friends would go ‘you know, you’re still feeling your anxiety, you’re just masking it with medication.’ And I said ‘Yes! It’s what it says on the label of the fucking pill! You know, in the winter I still feel the cold, I just mask it with a coat. What is your addiction to suffering?’

You can get to the next level if you're willing to give up everything and give everything you have in your heart to make it.

America is such a great country, we have fat poor people.

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

First of all, I'm not the kind of guy that likes to rehash the show and so forth and so on.

I don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you're on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.

I don't do these things to be mean, I do them to make money.