Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 462
I think we all feel the same things most of the time, we just don't know how to put it into words. When I'm on stage, I say it. The truth makes people laugh.
My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
Do ten or fifteen minutes up front of likeable material and then go to your vile self.
Comedy is the drug, when they laugh it's like I'm a jazz musician and they hear it, and they get it. It's power to take the crowd wherever I want them to go. I love it when they laugh, especially when they relate through laughter. It's a beautiful thing. It also means I'm going to get paid, which is nice.
L.A. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving 'cause it interferes with my drinking.
I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
When I give concerts, the tickets sell for five dollars to one hundred dollars, but for my concerts the five-dollar seats are down in front... the further back you go, the more you have to pay. The hundred-dollar seats are the last two rows, and those tickets go like hotcakes! In fact, if you pay two hundred dollars you don't have to come at all.
I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.
If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?
The world makes you into a bitch, no matter how quietly you go, so you may as well go kicking and screaming.
Do you have one really punky sequinned jump-suit, Bowie, or do you have several ch-ch-changes?