Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 462
If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
I learned early on that passion, stupidity and 80 ounces of cheap beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.
Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"
If anything happens to me tell every woman I've ever gone out with I was talking about her at the end. That way they'll have to reevaluate me.
There is nothing wrong with having a positive attitude as long as it doesn't bug you.
I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.
Nothing's as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.
If what you've done is stupid, but it works... then it really isn't all that stupid.
Customs is punishment for those who travel. This will teach you for traveling to our country!
Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
When I worked in clubs, I had to be alert until 2, maybe 3 in the morning. I found it best to sleep during the daytime.