Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 466
I finally got her to watch a porno with me, and I did not get the reaction I was after. Alright, I shouldn't have started her off with one that I was in - that was a mistake.
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
I was raised half-Jewish and half-Catholic. When I’d go to confession, I’d say, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned… and you know my attorney, Mr. Cohen.”
The bad news is that aliens have landed... the good news is that they pee gasoline.
When I first started doing stand-up, I would be so nervous that I would just binge drink really heavily right before my sets, and as you can imagine, that had its drawbacks. But now I'm a professional, so I pace myself throughout the day.
And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group.
Jewish people, we're repulsed by Hitler, but we're obsessed with him. If you ever want to rob a Jewish person's house, all you have to do is call them up and tell them there's a Hitler film festival down at the multiplex - watch them file out.
I say a twenty-two year window 'cause you wanna make sure the kid can handle his alcohol. You know, he's a great kid 'till his 21st birthday, gets drunk, punches Grandma and everyone's like "Ohhhh! Adam! You were this close! We are gonna miss you!"
America will tolerate the taking of a human life without giving it a second thought. But don't misuse a household pet.
To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.
What they have at Chuckie Cheese that we dont have at our house, you wanna see a mouse... stand there... pull the refrigerator out the wall.
I always make fun of KISS because I don't particularly think their music is anything.
I rented a movie and I put it in the DVD player and before the movie starts, it says, “this film has been modified to fit your television.” Can you imagine if it wasn’t? All you’d see is like a knuckle.
My wife asked me once if I weren't a comedian what I would do. I couldn't answer the question. I never imagined doing anything else.