Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 466
I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.
Where I grew up… in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide… you know, everyone was too unhappy.
The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, "it's so full of dreams." Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
Metal is the feeling of being an outsider, but still being part of something huge.
I told my girl friend that unless she expressed her feelings and told me what she liked I wouldn't be able to please her, so she said, "Get off me."
Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
One thing that teenage girls do a lot that I think is funny is when they go “One thing about me” and then they’ll say something about them that’s some weird thing about them at all. <br /> Like, “One thing about me is that you do not talk crap about my parents.” I’m like, “Really, ‘cause I love it. That’s weird that that’s your thing.”<br /> “One thing about me is that when I’m thirsty I drink water.” <br /> I’m like, “Really, whenever I’m thirsty I dip my balls in my lucky coffee pot.”
If something stinks, I say it stinks. But I try to massage it a little and not be as cutting, come behind it with a joke: Hey, I cut you deep, but now let me put a couple of stitches in you.