Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 466

Well, isn't that special?

I've always wondered, what am I going to do that's important with these stupid jokes that I tell.

You know, when you don't go on TV and talk about how many women you sleep with, some people in Hollywood, that are supposedly "in the know", start whispering that you're gay. If I were gay, I wouldn't be ashamed to admit it, but I'm not.

Let's face it, Americans are fat all year round, but the holidays are when we really hit our stride. And you can bet the food we eat will be just as unhealthy as the families we're forced to visit.

Having a kid is great... as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or talking.

It's just weird that out of nowhere God said, "May the three best-looking guys in Hollywood have babies - Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and me". It was bizarre that God said, "I want to make the planet more beautiful", and I got the call.

When I started I'd fly across the country to do a gig for a hundred bucks.

I never thought I was a libertarian until I picked up Reason magazine and realized I agree with everything they had printed.

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

God is like a shitty girlfriend.

Now we live in an amazing, amazing world and it's wasted on the crappiest generation of spoiled idiots.

By these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting; in whose name; in whose strength; in whose glory? What faith, humility, self-denial, and love of God and to man have there been in all my actions?

Do you have one really punky sequinned jump-suit, Bowie, or do you have several ch-ch-changes?

The pamphlet uses my name, my likeness, my 'shtick' (if you will), and my very act, which is derived from my personality, to attract attention and converts.

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.