Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 466
At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
That's religion. You pray. You bow. You kneel. You fast. You trim the balls of a giant space penis.
I never got a birds and the bees speech as a child. The closest thing I ever got - one time, my dad was cooking breakfast; he's like, 'Sex is a lot like this egg. First thing you gotta do is heat up the bed real nice, get it nice and warm, get it ready for her. Then, you gotta take her, crack her over the head and lay her out flat, alright? Come on now - wait 'til she starts sizzlin' really good, then you can flip her on over - there ya go. Don't get too excited or you get yellow stuff all over the bacon.'
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
Men don't realize that if were sleeping with them on the first date, were probably not interested in seeing them again either.
I'm, like, everybody's friend. I'm one of those dudes. I can be friends with anybody. Any race of person, any personality, I can kind of deal with them. I accept different types of people.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Do ten or fifteen minutes up front of likeable material and then go to your vile self.
Well, you can huff... and you can puff... and... oh my god! I'm making a pig joke out of myself!
It is the best part of the night. The classic interactive lines are 'Where are you from? What do you do for a living?' I almost always get something interesting.