Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 49
I’m like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it’s like, OK, he’s in there.
A short summary of every Jewish holiday: "They tried to kill us; we won; let’s eat!"
My friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying “Oh, Steve’s really a cat person”. No he’s not. If Steve were a cat person it’d be, like, “Hey, Steve never goes in the pool”.
I don't believe in cancer walks. Well, I believe in them because they exist but I'd rather just give money straight up and save my Saturday afternoon. I can make my own t-shirt, that's not incentive. Plus I don't think cancer responds to how far people walk. I don't think cancer's sitting at home, 'What? How many people walked how far? How many people walked how far wearing the same shirt? That's crazy! I'm out of here!' Remission.
A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error.
Whatever your woman is into, you better be into. Whatever your man is into, you better be into. Your partner into church, you better be into church. Your man or woman a crackhead, you better be a crackhead. Otherwise it just won't work.
You know, a lot of people’s last names are based on the occupations of their ancestors. That’s true. Just in my neighborhood, right across the street lived the Cooks. Right next door to us lived the Taylors. Counter-corner from us lived the Elephant Dung Shovelers.
The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm The Beatles.
People say to me, "Hey, Bill, the war made us feel better about ourselves." Really? What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves? May I suggest, instead of a war to feel better about yourself, perhaps… sit-ups? Maybe a fruit cup? Eight glasses of water a day?
There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and words.
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
You know why the French hate us so much? Thay gave us the croissant. And you know what we did with it? We turned it into our croissandwich, thank you very much.
Freedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that "Oh, I don't get involved in politics", as if that makes you somehow cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.