Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 49
Never in life do you hear about a large group of black people getting killed altogether. 'Cuz we run. Nigga, we run when we see somebody else runnin'. We don't ask no questions why we runnin', we don't need no run coordinator to get the runnin' all organized. Nigga, if I'm with you, and you start runnin'...dammit, I'ma start runnin'!
I finally stopped drinking when I hit seventeen years old. Yes, imagine the fuckup I must have been. Stopped drinking because it isn't really good for your health... and I fell into a bonfire! Yeah, you're done drinking then. You don't need AA. Falling into a bonfire is a one-step program.
Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.
I saw this on CNN a few days ago. In New York these cops freaked out. They shot at this guy 15 times 'cause they thought he was holding a grenade. He was eating a pear! How do you fuck that up?! Unless he was eating it like "Ahhhhh! That's a delicious pear!"
My mother is still mad at me from when the pope died. She calls me up when the pope died, 'Meho, we have to go to church and pray for him.' I go, 'Mom, it's the pope. We don't have to pray for him. Just stay home.' 'No, meho, he needs our help.' I'm like, 'Mom, you're Catholic. You believe that the pope is the holiest person on Earth. You believe that he actually talks to God.' 'Well he does.' 'Well, if that's true, pendejo, he's in heaven. He doesn't need your help. If the pope needs help getting into heaven, you and I are fucked. Do you understand that?'
I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!'
Alright, listen up! I don't like white people. I hate rednecks. You people are rednecks. That means I'm enjoyin' this shit.
You know, I don't think Richie would go to my Uncle Bert and go, 'Hey, I understand you got bowel cancer. Oh man, I know how you feel, I gotta drink a lot of booze. What's your symptoms, Uncle Bert?' 'Well, my bowel, I got blood pouring out of it all the time? and I got searing, clawing pains?ripping, tearing, mind-screeching bowel pains?and they're combined with aching, dull, soul-deadening bowel pain. Those are basically my symptoms; how 'bout you?' 'I get happy. I tend to be able to talk to people easier, I find. Sometimes, I'll meet a lady at a bar, got the same disease I do, and I'll fuck her.'
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man... living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
I was just blow drying my hair, thought I heard the phone ring. Ah... has that ever happened to you? Anyway... call me, we'll talk about it.
I hate false advertising, like 'Skittles: taste the rainbow.' No one's ever been like, 'Rainbow, right you guys?' Or what's Reese's? 'There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.' Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn't love you.
This friend of mine told me, 'Yeah, I dress this way to attract a guy, but I want to attract the right guy. I don't want to attract every slob on the street.' That's how cleavage works. It's not a smart bomb. It's not a laser-guided weapon. You might hit your target; there's also going to be a lot of collateral damage. You might hit the guy in the Porsche. You're also going to hit the guy with one tooth driving by on the bus.