Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 50
Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
If you are in here tonight and you have never contemplated suicide... you've never truly been in love. If you're in here tonight and you have never contemplated murder... you've never been divorced.
The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm The Beatles.
People say, "Uh-Uh, Bill, Iraq had the fourth-largest army in the world." Yeah, well, maybe, but, you know what? After the first three largest armies there's a really big fucking drop-off, okay? The Hare Krishnas are the fifth largest army in the world, and they've already got all our airports. So, who is the bigger threat?
My sister would've liked to have been a comic. She had an act that she would do for me sometimes. But of course, she didn't become a standup comedian because she's kind of a big talker. Doesn't do a whole lot of the things she says she will. Like go to the moon. The truth is if she had done it, she would be so fucking famous right now. Her act was simply a stream of obscenities and giggling. Can you imagine? A retarded chick just standing on stage swearing and giggling?
I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist.
I grew up in a mixed religious household. And it was volatile. My dad’s atheist, my mom’s agnostic. Just constant fighting. "There’s no God!" "There might be!"
The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don't fill out a police report. They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body.
A short summary of every Jewish holiday: "They tried to kill us; we won; let’s eat!"
Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'