Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 50
If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?
I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I'm not an atheist. I think god is there and that he is watching and he made us. I just don't give a shit. I don't "believe in god." I have zero idea how everything got here. I would personally say that, if i had to make a list of possibles, God would be pretty far down. But if I were to make a list of people that know what the fuck they are talking about, I would be really far down.
Cos people think I'm on drugs and I'm not. I'm really quite... Just a bit of coffee. When I take drugs I start going, "Oh, would you like insurance?"
I grew up in a mixed religious household. And it was volatile. My dad’s atheist, my mom’s agnostic. Just constant fighting. "There’s no God!" "There might be!"
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
My sister would've liked to have been a comic. She had an act that she would do for me sometimes. But of course, she didn't become a standup comedian because she's kind of a big talker. Doesn't do a whole lot of the things she says she will. Like go to the moon. The truth is if she had done it, she would be so fucking famous right now. Her act was simply a stream of obscenities and giggling. Can you imagine? A retarded chick just standing on stage swearing and giggling?
The old baby on the corner trick a, not gonna fall for that shit.