Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 48
I was just blow drying my hair, thought I heard the phone ring. Ah... has that ever happened to you? Anyway... call me, we'll talk about it.
I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful" and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"
I used to have horrible cars that would always end up broken down on the highway. When I tried to flag someone down, nobody stopped. But if I pushed my own car, other drivers would get out and push with me. If you want help, help yourself - people like to see that.
Alright, listen up! I don't like white people. I hate rednecks. You people are rednecks. That means I'm enjoyin' this shit.
I like Florida. Everything is in the 80's. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.
The definition of indecent – when it’s in long, and it’s in hard, and it’s in deep – it’s in decent.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
It's beautiful that abortion is legal in America. I love going to abortion rallies to pick up women, 'cause you know they're fucking. You ain't gonna find a bunch of virgins at the abortion rally. You might even see some clear heels!
I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.
This guy from L. A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.
You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.
I hate false advertising, like 'Skittles: taste the rainbow.' No one's ever been like, 'Rainbow, right you guys?' Or what's Reese's? 'There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.' Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn't love you.
My bitch in high school had a 12 foot boa constrictor, she named it Fluffy. That's just sick in my book. Well, we go over to her house, I don't know about the snake, and she says, "Hang on while I get into something more comfortable, okay?" and I'm like, "All right!" A few minutes later, she comes out wearing that snake around her neck, I'm backin' away, saying, "No thanks, I can drive." She says to me, "No, wait, Bill. Fluffy can wrap around us while we make love." I said, "No, he can't. 'Cause I'll kill him. Okay?"