Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 48
Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon.
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
America may be the best country, but that's like being the prettiest Denny's waitress. Just because you're the best doesn't make you good.
A woman can have sex with whoever she wants, a man only with whoever allows him.
White people can't dance. I'm not being racist it's true. Just like when white people say black people have big lips, it's not racist it's true. Black people have big lips, white people can't dance. Some brothers will be in the club and white people are like, What are those niggers doing in here? They watchin' y'all dance. And thy're like, Look at these crazy muthafuckas. Y'all be stepping on people's feet and hitting one another.
I've always dated Jewish men, and I don't know why. What am I saying? I know exactly why that is - it's because I have a really little vagina.
And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God's sake, they were blowing peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their breakfast beverage. And it wasn't even coffee.
I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying. Under another man.
Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mmm..., nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe I lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!'
It's hard to soar with the eagles when you're surrounded by turkeys.
I’m like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it’s like, OK, he’s in there.
I'm not an atheist. I think god is there and that he is watching and he made us. I just don't give a shit. I don't "believe in god." I have zero idea how everything got here. I would personally say that, if i had to make a list of possibles, God would be pretty far down. But if I were to make a list of people that know what the fuck they are talking about, I would be really far down.
You know why the French hate us so much? Thay gave us the croissant. And you know what we did with it? We turned it into our croissandwich, thank you very much.