Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 48
You might be a redneck if you go to the family reunion to pick up women.
We have white people problems in America. That's what we have, white people problems. You know what that is? That's where your life is amazing, do you just make shit up to be upset about. People in other countries have real problems. Like, "Oh, shit. They're cutting off all our heads today." Things like that. Here, we make shit up to be upset about. Like, "How come I have to choose a language on the ATM machine? It's bullshit. I shouldn't have to do that. I'm American."
I'm at the airport, and they lost my luggage, so I go to the lost luggage department. I go up to the girl and say, "Excuse me, you lost my luggage", she said, "Has your plane landed yet", I said, "No princess, I'm just having an out of body experience... I'm just checking on It" There's your sign!
Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile.
The weather's so cold in New York right now. And when I walked through Central Park this morning, I saw a squirrel warming up his nuts!
I like Florida. Everything is in the 80's. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.
'What is the meaning of life?' is a stupid question. Life just exists. You say to yourself, 'I can't accept that I mean nothing so I have to find the meaning of life so that I shouldn't mean as little as I know I do.' Subconsciously you know you're full of shit. I see life as a dance. Does a dance have to have a meaning? You're dancing because you enjoy it.
The people who told us about sun block were the same people who told us, when I was a kid, that eggs were good. So I ate a lot of eggs. Ten years later they said they were bad. I went, "Well, I just ate the eggs!" So I stopped eating eggs, and ten years later they said they were good again! Well, then I ate twice as many, and then they said they were bad. Well, now I'm really fucked! Then they said they're good, they're bad, they're good, the whites are good, th-the yellows - make up your mind! It's breakfast I've gotta eat!
I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.
When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.
Never in life do you hear about a large group of black people getting killed altogether. 'Cuz we run. Nigga, we run when we see somebody else runnin'. We don't ask no questions why we runnin', we don't need no run coordinator to get the runnin' all organized. Nigga, if I'm with you, and you start runnin'...dammit, I'ma start runnin'!
Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.
I used to have horrible cars that would always end up broken down on the highway. When I tried to flag someone down, nobody stopped. But if I pushed my own car, other drivers would get out and push with me. If you want help, help yourself - people like to see that.