Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 48
People say to me, “You’re not feminine.” Well, they can just suck my dick.
I like Florida. Everything is in the 80's. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.
This guy from L. A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.
Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.
When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.
I'm at the airport, and they lost my luggage, so I go to the lost luggage department. I go up to the girl and say, "Excuse me, you lost my luggage", she said, "Has your plane landed yet", I said, "No princess, I'm just having an out of body experience... I'm just checking on It" There's your sign!
I saw this on CNN a few days ago. In New York these cops freaked out. They shot at this guy 15 times 'cause they thought he was holding a grenade. He was eating a pear! How do you fuck that up?! Unless he was eating it like "Ahhhhh! That's a delicious pear!"
The weather's so cold in New York right now. And when I walked through Central Park this morning, I saw a squirrel warming up his nuts!
I do have ADD and in real life, I'm all over the place and can hardly focus. If we were talking for, for more than an hour or so, I'd start drifting off... I can't sit still too long.
I used to have horrible cars that would always end up broken down on the highway. When I tried to flag someone down, nobody stopped. But if I pushed my own car, other drivers would get out and push with me. If you want help, help yourself - people like to see that.
I was just blow drying my hair, thought I heard the phone ring. Ah... has that ever happened to you? Anyway... call me, we'll talk about it.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
'What is the meaning of life?' is a stupid question. Life just exists. You say to yourself, 'I can't accept that I mean nothing so I have to find the meaning of life so that I shouldn't mean as little as I know I do.' Subconsciously you know you're full of shit. I see life as a dance. Does a dance have to have a meaning? You're dancing because you enjoy it.