Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 511
That shit [religion] was going on all over the planet. They would tell them about sky cookies, or sky pie, or sky baklava. And as each of these civilizations grew, they built ships; they'd go visit each other, and the one guy would walk off the boat and go,'Hey, did you hear the good news about the sky baklava?' and the first guy went,'It's CAKE, motherfucker! You're dead!'
I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.
We don't want to make them uncomfortable. It doesn't seem like anybody seems to be uncomfortable. We seem to get along.
I wanna say something about my baby, Aimee. The IRS says I have to; I pay her $20,000 as a writer.
I'm often asked, 'What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted The Tonight Show?' I really don't have just one. The times I enjoyed the most were the spontaneous, unplanned segments that just happened, like Ed Ames' infamous 'Tomahawk Toss' that produced one of the longest laughs in television history. When these lucky moments happen, you just go with them and enjoy the experience and high of the moment.
They said I was worth $500 million. If I was worth that much, I wouldn't have visited Vietnam, I'd have sent for it.
I’m left on a lot of things. If two gay guys want to get married, I could care less. If a nut case from overseas wants to blow up their wedding, that’s when I’m right.
My neighbor says being gay is biological. And the reason she gives is she says, “I knew I was gay since I was five years old.” Five. I don’t know about you, but when I was five, I’d fuck a guy, fuck a girl, fuck a guy, fuck a girl. I was all over the map. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I didn’t figure that out until I was nine.
It's lunch time in the Diamond District. All the stores close down and the street is filled with chasidim, who suddenly find themselves caught in Yidlock.
I woke up my pop in the middle of the night 'cause the boogie man's under my bed. My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, "Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man's under the bed!" Pop opens one eye, he's like, "Is the boogie man bigger than me?" "Well, no Daddy, he's not." "Well, you got your choice: you can deal with the boogie man or you can deal with me."
I buy about $1,500 worth of papers every month. Not that I trust them. I'm looking for the crack in the fabric.
President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?.