Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 511

4th of July is the perfect holiday if you think America has too many fingers...

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

I work really hard at trying to see the big picture and not getting stuck in ego. I believe we're all put on this planet for a purpose, and we all have a different purpose... When you connect with that love and that compassion, that's when everything unfolds.

Every Thanksgiving, I like to invite the less fortunate over to my place for a great big dinner. And give them the wrong address.

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

I was on CNN in Atlanta at one o'clock in the afternoon because apparently everybody else was asleep, and they asked me what I thought of CNN and I said, "I liked CNN until you started that writing on the bottom." I don't know why it's there. Why do you put writing on a television set? We watch TV because we don't wanna read! We want somebody to read the shit to us so we can close our eyes and touch our nuts!

I always wanted to be a comedian and actor, I basically stumbled into the music medium, though. I'm OK, but that's about it. I like to think I'm good enough not to negatively affect the performance.

The only thing domestic about me is I was born in this country.

Regis and I were inducted into the original Bronx Walk of Fame.

I tried to contact Johnny to reconcile our friendship, a million times, but he just wasn't having it. When he passed away, I felt such a crushing blow, that things were still unresolved. Johnny was a dear friend, I wish things would've ended different, this just was not worth it.