Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 510

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

I hired three people to watch my back but they were killed so now I have a team of gypsies watch my future and let the present worry alone.

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.

I couldn't imagine not having clean water.

The Bible’s too wordy. The 10 Commandments are a load of shit. You don’t need all these things. The Bible should be one sheet of paper, and on that sheet of paper it should say: ‘Try not to be a cunt.’

You can be passionate about anything.

And then also I think it's harder for women because comedy is so opposite of being ladylike.

I got a gay roommate. I got ground rules. I’m like, “You got to stay on your side of the shower.” And if he doesn’t, no more back rubs.

Tequila is like acid in a glass.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...

Men are only as loyal as their options.

I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don't have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said 'JETS?'

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.

What do you come out on the news saying? 'We want to be treated like equals in the workplace.' No you don't. You want to be treated like a woman in the workplace, and you want to get paid like an equal. That's what you want. Because when men treat you like equals, what do you do? You send us to sensitivity training, bitch. That's what you do.

In a way, comedy is like sex. The more noise you hear, the better you think you're doing.