Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 510
You can't make money on Broadway. You make nothing. You maybe make like $1,350 a week after you pay out all the producers.
Somewhere in the world is... The world's worst doctor and he could be yours.
When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.
The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt.
Everywhere I go I get hair in my food. I went to a restaurant last week, two hairs in my soup, two in my lettuce. The waitress comes out and says, “Can I get you anything else?’ “Yeah, how about a comb for the salad?”
I listened to my first comedy album in 6th grade. It was Bill Cosby. My brother and I would play it over and over on a Fisher Price record player. A friend in high school also introduced me to Richard Pryor. I wasn’t writing material back then, but I would say funny stuff. I was good at making fun of people’s moms. If I knew something personal about you, it would be used against you.
You could place one product in a first-run telecast, a second product what that program is rerun, and a third product when the show goes into syndication, and another product when it goes on cable.
I'll probably never have children because I don't believe in touching people for any reason.
The thing about hipsters is that they take very seriously trying to make themselves look like they don’t take themselves seriously.
We're told to go on living our lives as usual, because to do otherwise is to let the terrorists win, and really, what would upset the Taliban more than a gay woman wearing a suit in front of a room full of Jews?