Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 510
You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Men don't realize that if were sleeping with them on the first date, were probably not interested in seeing them again either.
Get a good dog. We have not picked up food in the kitchen in 15 years.
Three has always been tougher than Two. Think of any of your famous threesomes. The Three Stooges? Look at the anger there. My bet is that before Curly was born, Moe and Larry could play together for hours without even a single poke in the eye. Huey, Dewey, and Louie? Donald Duck never had a moment's peace. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly? I rest my case.
It's easier to rip somebody to shreds while you're making them laugh.
Every imperfection you have as a man makes a sound as it knifes through satin sheets.
I'm in high school, and I was walking to my 6th period class the other day. When I get there being the first one there I pull on the door to find it locked. The drapes are closed, so I can't see if anyone is inside, so just to be sure, I start pounding on the door. At that moment the principle walks by the classroom with keys and says "are you locked out?" I said "nope,the door made fun of my mom, I was just giving him a beating for it. Here's your sign."
Onstage, I'm still wearing my fabulous, sheer dresses because I'm not that big.
I wanna say something about my baby, Aimee. The IRS says I have to; I pay her $20,000 as a writer.
Bill Paley is not only the greatest boss I ever had, but he's the most brilliant, honest and warm human being I've ever met. And I'll say that to his face - even if it costs me my job.