Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 510

I was making love one night with my wife and she said: "You're in me." I know where I am, shut the fuck up.

The mind is the only weapon that doesn't need a holister.

I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.

There’s a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didn’t say, “I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole.”

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is good or bad. You just do what you think is funny, and either it works or you're finished. It's impossible to predict anything.

If you wish to achieve any success in this life, do your best to surround yourself with an orgy of good choices.

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

I'm off to the gym. Replacing good character with good looks is a cornerstone of my comeback stratagem.

And then also I think it's harder for women because comedy is so opposite of being ladylike.

Religion is just mind control.

The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood.