Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 560
I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the "Donate it to charity" slice. "I'd like to exchange this for the 'Keep it!'"
The floor is lava! That's the lava game, when you pretend that the floor is lava and you climb up on all the furniture. I see some of you don't get that. I don't care, that's okay. You might have called it something else, but it meant the same thing; you were poor. I'd tell my mom, "I want a Nintendo." and she'd reply "The floor is lava!" "What's wrong with our house? Why can't we afford better carpeting? It's called two jobs, bitch!" That's how I used to talk. I was very street.
What's that? My six song album entitled "Bo Fo Sho" is currently available on iTunes? With three songs that have never been heard on the internet? Uh, and if I try to pirate it for free I'll get AIDS? I would have guessed scurvy. Well, see you later ghost of Dr.Martin Luther King Jr.
Making you a pioneer only means one thing. You were around at the time.
If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.
As far as I’m concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that’s worth believing.
I read the New York Times, and if I'm in a different city, I'll skim that paper.
If you’re worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn’t get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
I like New York. This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, 'Hey, that's mine. Don't pee on that.'
Adam, who said to our Lord in the Garden of Eden, "I got more ribs - you got more broads?" Never got a dinner!
If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus.