Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 560
Bush looked straight into the camera and said 'We must preserve the sanctity of marriage!' You know, straight people are doing such a fucking great job.
Ladies and gentlemen, the lower economic and lower middle economic people are not holding their end in this deal. In the neighborhood that most of us grew up in, parenting is not going on.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes reportedly sleep in separate bedrooms of their mansion, because Tom snores. They also have their own bathrooms... in case Katie has to get up in the middle of the night and ask Tom’s permission to pee.
"According to Life & Style Weekly, 50 Cent may be working on Lindsay Lohan’s next album. Finally, a match made in rap heaven. He’s a convicted drug dealer who’s been shot nine times, and she spent 84 minutes in prison. This is a big step for Lindsay. The last time Lindsay got near a black guy she ran over his foot.
Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.
My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.
So they bother you with it, they bother you with it, they bother you with it. Finally you say, "Gimme the damn present." You open it up and it's dumb. Lucky for you, now you got a couple days, take it back to the store, get something else, so when your mother comes over she don't see you're still married to an idiot!
If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.
Have you ever noticed how quiet you get when you go in the woods? It's almost like you know that God's there.
I'm supposed to be all re-injected with yes-we-can fever after the big health care speech, and it was a great speech - when Black Elvis gets jiggy with his teleprompter, there is none better. But here's the thing: Muhammad Ali also had a way with words, but it helped enormously that he could also punch guys in the face.
The only thing I have never done is a Broadway play. I'm not sure I have the discipline necessary to do a Broadway play. I know it holds a fascination for certain actors.
My films are a form of psychoanalysis, except that it is I who am paid, which changes everything.