Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 560
I’ve got keys to crap I’ve never owned. You put all my keys together I could be a high school janitor tonight.
If we were truly created by God, why do we occasionally bite the insides of our mouths?
When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
I'm quite good at taking in information so I voraciously inhale Wikipedia - which may have some things wrong in it, but I think is generally more information than we had before. Last tour we didn't have Wikipedia. And then Discovery Channel and History Channel. I can take it in and retain what I think are the most important facts.
I didn’t realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents… my dad told me “you’re good; you should be a computer programmer.” I said, “You’re bad… you should be a caveman”
Grew up in a small town where there was only one crazy guy. He didn't even go insane doing anything good, like going to 'Nam or having an extended acid trip. Turns out - legend has it - he just had some bad cheese.
Moses, who said to the Israelites, "Stop calling me Charlton!" Never got a dinner!
Are any terrorists listening to this podcast? Are ya? In a fuckin' cave right now jerkin' off to your 72 virgins or whatever the hell they're promising ya. First of all, they're not there. When ya die, ya go in the ground. Okay? That's where you're goin'. So what ya wanna do is ya wanna try to stay alive. Ya know? Meet yourself a cute fuckin' lady. Have a cookout. Ride a bicycle; feel the wind in your fuckin' hair... or in your beard. Ya know? Whata ya doin'?
If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.
Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.