Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 560

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.

My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

I want to do well and I want to fit in.

It’s funny because when I was younger my voice would rise when I would talk on the microphone. Now it is sort of like a character for me, a more animated version of myself and my voice is 10 times up from my regular self.

This place makes Mayberry look like a think tank.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

My background is in theater. I was a theater major in college.

I can’t run a company… I can’t even run my own life!

Life's a garden, dig it.

Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.

I've got people who like Tommy Boy, but they're getting older and there's a whole new wave of college kids who see that and Joe Dirt, and Just Shoot Me is a little older, so I wanted stuff for everybody.

I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us.

War continues in Iraq. They're calling it Operation Iraqi Freedom. They were going to call it Operation Iraqi Liberation until they realized that spells 'OIL.'