Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 564

If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus.

Careers very rarely are a waste of time; jobs usually are.

I don't believe in karma.

Gentlemen, start your egos.

You know your heavy metal band's going to suck when you've got a clarinet player.

Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?

Sisters ruin everything. It's in their job description.

(to the French) You lot will never have the pleasure of coming home as a 14 year old boy, thinking you’re only getting beans on toast and then going “oh hello, there’s little sausages in their”.

If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye... and dragged it fifteen feet.

Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.