Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 564

Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

I've got people who like Tommy Boy, but they're getting older and there's a whole new wave of college kids who see that and Joe Dirt, and Just Shoot Me is a little older, so I wanted stuff for everybody.

The average person has one fallopian tube.

And now I've got to explain the smell that was in there before I went in there. Does that ever happen to you? It's not your fault. You've held your breath, you just wanna get out, and now you open the door and you have to explain, 'Oh! Listen, there's an odor in there and I didn't do it. It's bad.'

I chose Journalism by default. I always loved TV, and I had no idea what else to do, so I studied what interested me.

Nonetheless, I put the phone down feeling guilty. I mean, I picked it up feeling guilty, I feel perpetually guilty, but I put it down feeling guiltier.

I am experiencing humiliation… Blood boiling, anger rising up ready to explode, then falling back in on myself in the familiar shower of self loathing.

I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.

I don't like surgery. I don't like elective surgery, I don't like surgery that you have to have.

I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

Arlene and I have to get a divorce. She thinks I'm a pervert because I drank our water bed.

My wife and I have five children; the reason we have five children is because we do not want six.

Sisters ruin everything. It's in their job description.

(to the French) You lot will never have the pleasure of coming home as a 14 year old boy, thinking you’re only getting beans on toast and then going “oh hello, there’s little sausages in their”.