Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 564

If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.

I never dated much in high school or college.

This I before E stuff would've screwed up Einstein. He's got it wrong twice in his name.

It was a mixed marriage. I'm human, he was a Klingon.

I'm a lousy piece of ass, and I should know every man i have been with has told me so, I've been there almost every time. I mean, the closest thing I got to a birds and bees talk was with my dad. He was like, "Son, sex is a lot like this egg." "Dad, I think those are drugs." "Whatever, queer." "Why does everyone keep saying that?" "Listen up, son, listen good. You take a woman and crack her over the head and lie her flat. Make sure she sizzles and then flip her over. Don't stand too close or you'll get yellow stuff all over your bacon" What? I see some of you holding your stomach and feeling: "No, you shouldn't." That's a breakfast joke. That's the most important joke of the day. If you don't laugh at that, you're gonna be sleepy around 11:30. And you'll be like, "Why am I so tired?"

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

If we were truly created by God, why do we occasionally bite the insides of our mouths?

You know when they show someone washing their hair under a waterfall? That's crazy. That would knock you on your butt.

When I'm late it matters, but when everybody else is late it doesn't matter... If that's the rule then just write it down and then I know, you know... I'll read it and I'll write it down on my balls. Right here. Right here on the back of my balls is where I'll write it. On the very back. I'll just lift them and write it nicely.

As far as I’m concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that’s worth believing.

I did fuck a midget once. It's true. Cos I had the opportunity after a show. How could you not, just one time, just to see.

I think if you get kicked in the face you deserved it because that means that you watched the foot come to your face.

I’m just another reject slowly slipping out of the gene pool to get hoovered up by the sex industry.

Hey , I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.