Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 564
The odd thing about comedy is that the more personal you are, the larger the audience.
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"
Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being "too farfetched".
The old days were the old days. And they were great days. But now is now.
What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdink! Yes, that'll work.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
You know your heavy metal band's going to suck when you've got a clarinet player.
Don’t blame your failure on haters. If everyone thinks you suck, they’re not haters. They’re right.
The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.
How far can we go? How much can we absorb and still have some peace of mind?
You fucking work 5 days to enjoy 2, I don’t know if you gamble, but them's shit odds.
She had Nick Lachey’s body, a deep voice, very small boobies, and a crew cut. It would have come as no surprise if she had walked into the backyard to compete in a rock-hurling competition after dinner.
What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.