Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 564

Funniest thing happened though, you wouldn't believe it, ha, the mannequins came to life. I went insane.

Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.

Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Nobody ever celebrates the "Why me?!" God blaming terminally ill. We should, if only for the contrast they provide.

That was so much easier, I should just get it in one every time.

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

There are three kinda men in the world. There's men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickleback.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

My feeling is this whole country is founded on the principle of "if you are not hurting anyone, and you're not fucking with someone else's shit, and you are paying your taxes, you should be able to just do what you want to do." It's the freedom and the independence.

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

When you're eight years old nothing is your business.

Get a good dog. We have not picked up food in the kitchen in 15 years.

To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.