Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 571
I didn’t realize I had any problems until you fucking brought it up.
Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being "too farfetched".
A polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
Julius Caesar’s wife, who said to Julius, "We are not naming our son Sid!" Never got a dinner!
Ponce de Leon, who said when he discovered the Fountain of Youth, "Where the hell are the paper cups?" Never got a dinner!
And since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest – most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.
My nosey neighbor called the cops on me for making too much noise during football. Is fluffy gonna have to open up a can whop ass?
Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.
I'm fascinated by mankind. I grew up watching 'Candid Camera' and thought it was funnier than any standup, any joke, anything that could possibly be written because you're dealing with humanity. And people can relate to that. It touches everybody who sees it. It hits a nerve.
Bush looked straight into the camera and said 'We must preserve the sanctity of marriage!' You know, straight people are doing such a fucking great job.
The way I figure it, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win.
I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.