Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 571

There are two things that you have to lie to get through. One is politics, and the other is marriage.

The most rewarding part about being a dad is just looking at children who didn't exist at some point. The first time you saw them, they were the size of a quarter, in a sonogram, and now they can pour orange juice and yell at each other.

I'm fascinated by mankind. I grew up watching 'Candid Camera' and thought it was funnier than any standup, any joke, anything that could possibly be written because you're dealing with humanity. And people can relate to that. It touches everybody who sees it. It hits a nerve.

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

Most people argue over who's right, not about what the truth is.

You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple, or green." Uh, hold on now: purple or green?! You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocating, then help 'em.

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.

I just feel like history is very much alive and important and I don’t, you know, I can’t worry about whether people get it or not, per se.

And if I can take part in it by transforming my own consciousness, then someone else's, I'm happy to do it.

I don't aim to offend.

I think you sound like an angel, and everyone else sounds like demons.

That's right, "tell your mama", "tell your mama", "tell your mama" … nobody tells daddy shit!

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.