Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 571

My mom's always saying really smart things... like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one.

The only way I'd need a pain reliever to enjoy sex is if all of my fantasies came true at the same time.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

I made the mistake early in my career, when I moved to Hollywood, of being attracted to actresses. I used to go out exclusively with actresses and other female impersonators.

Some kind of way, we have to say enough is enough.

I know this sounds strange, but as a kid, I was really shy. Painfully shy. The turning point was freshman year, when I was the biggest geek alive. No one, I mean no one, even talked to me.

Good morning... never experienced that myself.

But to do it professionally is a quantum leap difference and my father had to be persuaded by these kind of Ivy League professors that I should go to the Yale Drama School, another one of the stories in there.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.

I really like Dane Cook as a person. And I want to fuck him, mentally and physically. I'll stop there before offering anymore bad puns.

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being "too farfetched".

I still have drive, but everything is relative.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.