Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 571
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Judge Judy went to the hospital because she was having intestinal troubles. Turns out, she hates her own guts.
Being wealthy when no one else is is like being the only one at the party with a drink.
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears.
For this being the holiday season everyone at the mall is pissed. Time to shop online.
Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
I had written in another draft a completely different kind of fight, but they said they couldn't afford to shoot it. They needed a fight scene, though, so I was told to put a fight scene in, but not the one I had written.
The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.
A Rubik’s cube is equal to a drag queen. It’s really colorful, but I don’t wanna do it.
I started out in this industry with standup comedy and it got me to the movies, but it’s something I love to do and it’s something I’m enjoying coming back to.