Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 572
It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me.
For this being the holiday season everyone at the mall is pissed. Time to shop online.
I woke up one morning, got dressed, and my wife asked me, “Where you going?”, I said, “I’ve got my yearly physical today.” “I’ll go with you!” OK, how boring is your day? I’d never go with her to her physical! Seen it! It’s not like we’d be breaking any new ground! It’s not like I’d go, “Hey Doc, what’s that?”
My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, "You need to meet other people."
You might be a redneck if... the most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
I was a dishwasher at one of those Japanese places that cook on your table. Not too fun.
I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
A kid asked me for advise about getting into entertainment? I said you better know how to be happy being broke!
N'Sync and Aerosmith are two bands that don't even belong in the same state as each other!
So after Another You I ran off to my very own piece of paradise, my home in Hana.
On stage and in person, I think I am nice, thoughtful, and empathetic. But for some reason when I'm online, I become super aggressive and unhinged. I should probably get off of Twitter and see a therapist.