Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 572

I got a lot of positive people around me.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

We are the sum total of our choices...

You know your heavy metal band's going to suck when you've got a clarinet player.

Sisters ruin everything. It's in their job description.

They didn’t invent eavesdropping for compliments.

Scattergories is second base for Christians.

I'm not going to lie to you fellas, I've been drinking.

I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open

Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.

I'm fascinated by mankind. I grew up watching 'Candid Camera' and thought it was funnier than any standup, any joke, anything that could possibly be written because you're dealing with humanity. And people can relate to that. It touches everybody who sees it. It hits a nerve.

I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important.

Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.