Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 579
Sometimes you forget you're famous. You wonder, Why is that person staring at me?
If you do stories, or material with a lot of tags, or afterthought lines, you’ll probably have to cut those out. In other words, you’ll have to strip-mine your material and “lean” it up for time constraints.
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
I watched Master Class with Lorne Michaels on OWN. How can somebody produce a sketch show and talk for an hour and not say something even slightly amusing, or sarcastic, or ironic, or interesting, or informative? ‘My mission as a producer is to encourage creativity.’ Mission accomplished.
I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think…is there nothing on the internet that I won’t masturbate to?
The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.
I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out ... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"
Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
A sold-out house my first night back. Do you have any idea what kinda pressure that is? I could have been at home in my warm bed, playing Nintendo.
Comedy comes from a place of hurt. Charlie Chaplin was starving and broke in London, and that's where he got his character 'the tramp' from. It's a bad situation that he transformed into comedic one.
Seriously, I don't need a gun. I'm easily annoyed. I would shoot people in my house that I invited over.
Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.
I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won’t let me plug it in.