Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 579
Uh-oh, Steven called the fuzz! "Bad boys, bad boys... whatcha gonna do?"
I didn't want to be nobody, and that was the only way I could be somebody was to do stand-up.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
I hope that nothing ever wussifies me to deny my own personal beliefs. Brainwashed wussies have been taught that standing up for yourself and defending your personal point of view makes you a close-minded hate monger. One must also be respectful of dissenting belief while supporting their own.
Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not like that!"
You know when they show someone washing their hair under a waterfall? That's crazy. That would knock you on your butt.
I love that mentality, “Boo! You went to a different school than I did. I want everyone going to the same school. One school. 140 million students. Or I go ‘boo.’ I am the least tolerant human being on Earth. What’d you have for dinner tonight? Chinese food. I had Japanese. Boo. You like Triskets. I like Wheat Thins. Boo. You like regular Starburst fruits chews. I like the tropical. Boo.”
On GM crops: I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of velcro, to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles. But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding velcro so it's a bit of a long shot.
I always get nervous with that one test. "Tell me the exact moment point A is directly over point B." "Now! No, now! Now! Then! I don't know I don't know." I'm afraid if I get it off by an eighth of a second I'll get these big, hubble coming attraction glasses. "You must have messed up that A B test!" "Did I ever! Hence the corrective spectacles."
Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong - normally you wouldn't say, thank God I have gas.
I'd like to think my performance is today. I never try to - it's so, as you know, watching me, I have a beginning, middle and ending. But every night the show changes and I relate to an audience and I relate to the young people.
The economy in Ireland has been rampaging ahead for the last 15 years. Barring an international, political or natural catastrophe, things can only get better for the Irish.