Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 579

A spontaneous interview feels differently than anything else you see on television.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

Sometimes you forget you're famous. You wonder, Why is that person staring at me?

All I can think of are her poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film… in a Marriott hotel.

I watched Master Class with Lorne Michaels on OWN. How can somebody produce a sketch show and talk for an hour and not say something even slightly amusing, or sarcastic, or ironic, or interesting, or informative? ‘My mission as a producer is to encourage creativity.’ Mission accomplished.

In our day we went from - we went into saloons. We couldn't cross over like you can today, get a television series and all of a sudden you're a major movie star, you know.

Life.....is a series of dogs.

It would be kinda embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country though. "Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food."

When my son said, "I can't stop thinking about girls," I said, "That's not gonna stop. Congratulations. You're in the club. From now until the day you die, one way or another you'll be thinking about girls."

All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows there's no substitute for support, encouragement, or a pit crew.

I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out ... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

People kill me about being a big guy. They always asking me dumb questions… Every time I breathe in, they’re like, “Why you breathing so hard?’ “So I can live!”

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?'

Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.