Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 579
I've always had something in my heart where I root for guys who struggle with women.
You probably won’t get laid at your prom. Try, because this may be one of the last chances…where it’s cool to have sex with a high school girl.
If we don't have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good?
[in imitation of an outraged right-winger] You don't take an active interest in how your country is run for just forty-five years, and look what happens!
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.
Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong - normally you wouldn't say, thank God I have gas.
In our day we went from - we went into saloons. We couldn't cross over like you can today, get a television series and all of a sudden you're a major movie star, you know.
From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street.
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think…is there nothing on the internet that I won’t masturbate to?
The greatest missile in the world is useless... unless it's targeted. A torpedo is adrift unless it has someplace to go. An arrow is pointless unless it hits something. So it's important for kids - for everyone, even if you fail at first - to target something and head in that direction. With all your might.
"A national day of prayer"? Does that scare the spine out of anyone? Especially when you consider that it's all those dog-shit religions that start these fucking wars to begin with. Ninety percent of every war that's ever been fought is because of some made-up, mind control, completely fictional religion.