Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 579

Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.

Love does not conquer all.

The problem with dating a model is they won’t go out with you if your cars color doesn’t match their outfit.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.

They fucked around, started negotiating with those white people, they lost all that shit... And what they didn't lose negotiating, white people just kicked their ass on out of..

We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.

You might be a redneck if you use the term 'over yonder' more than once a month.

I would believe in reincarnation but too many of me ex-girlfriends did and it isn't worth the risk.

That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it.

Your parents put a curse on you Someday your kids are going to act just like you.

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

There's a plastic bag whirling around in the wind. Is it a bag full of shit?

I started doing the star turn and making a profit off it. Now I'm kind of one of them.

I don't know why men are so fascinated with television and I think it has something to do with - if I may judge from my own father, who used to sit and stare at the TV while my mother was speaking to him - I think that's a man's way of tuning out.