Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 600

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Bush is the face on the can. But who canned that soup?

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everyone knows, I am as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami.

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".

President Bush said for security reasons, he's sworn off all e-mail communication. He will not be using email at the White House at all. Is that a good idea? I mean, it's not like that speaking thing was working out so good.

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it's talking about.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

There are a lot of reasons for that. For one, we have good light here.

Oh man, I get a lot of junk email. Isn't it annoying? Clutters everything up. I'm starting to sense a theme, though. Apparently, there's a lot of people out there that want to make my penis three inches longer.

It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.

I love being married, it's great, but I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, 'What's wrong with you?' And I'm like, 'I know! Damn it! Argh!' She wins most of them anyway. I might as well be on the winning side occasionally.

I would say just in general, in life, I'm more willing to be animated as a person, and so obviously onstage as well.