Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 600
I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.
Well, you know the rule: The person who builds it gets to try it first, so my son was at school and I built the trampoline and start to go on it, my wife goes, "Hey, why don't you wait until he comes home?" I said, "Hey, why don't you hush... please?" Hey, I ain't that big an idiot, all right? So, I was jumping on the trampoline, and I was thinking, "Oh I remember this." Started doing seat drops and knee drops and then I got cocky. One thing I learned about a trampoline, if you don't land square, you go up at an angle. And you don't come down at that same angle, you go down at an equal and opposite angle. Yeah, I'm 20 feet in the air and NOW my high school geometry kicks in. I curled into the fetal position, banged against the rail. My wife's laughing so hard, she nearly peed herself. Two important things I learned that day. One, the springs will pull the hair off your legs, and two, the dog doesn't like to jump.
I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling… the rest I spend foolishly.
Can you remember when you didn't want to sleep? Isn't it inconceivable? I guess the definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.
When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.
I've started to kind of hate people, and it's not because I have anything against them. It's just, I enjoy it. It's recreation.
Is it common for people to become a pothead at 40? Asking for myself.
Anyone who isn't pro choice never slept with a stripper from Kansas City.
Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between "You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry," and "Don't scream."
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything? Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.