Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 600
There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.
I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.
I started this craze that's sweeping, no, it's Swiffering the nation.
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
It's starting to feel good, although I don't like feeling too good - that's not where my comedy comes from.
There's a big difference between "poll workers" and "pole workers." Sadly.
While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everyone knows, I am as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami.
I’m for capital punishment. You’ve got to execute people. How else are they going to learn?
When you're going for a joke, you're stuck out there if it doesn't work. There's nowhere to go. You've done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you're out on the end of the plank.
I love being married, it's great, but I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, 'What's wrong with you?' And I'm like, 'I know! Damn it! Argh!' She wins most of them anyway. I might as well be on the winning side occasionally.
Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else.
I recently bought a cat, but took it back a day later because our personalities clashed.