Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 600

Tragically, my last girlfriend couldn't cook to save her life.

Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.

I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?

It's tough, but I try to wait until the second date before I bring up my dead girlfriends.

One thing about being narrow-minded: you'll never be lonely.

I know you people, you're the smart ones. You're not the ones going down the freeway with a seatbelt hanging out the door makin' sparks. You're not the ones goin' over the overpass with the turn signal on. Where are they gonna turn? You almost wish they would.

There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

I started this craze that's sweeping, no, it's Swiffering the nation.

My stand-up act is very clean.

There's a big difference between "poll workers" and "pole workers." Sadly.

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

When you're single again, at the beginning you're very optimistic and you say, "I want to meet someone who's really smart, really sweet, really sensitive". And six months later you're like, "Lord, any mammal with a day job".

I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.