Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 600
While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everyone knows, I am as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami.
I never played a musical instrument growing up but I knew kids who did and took it very seriously.
I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.
If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
Or people who have one baby and go buy a minivan... how big is your baby?
My dad’s a gun collector… He tells me all of them for protection. Then he told me one of them shoots 400 yards. I don’t know a lot about the laws of self defense, but you’re gonna need a good lawyer if you pick someone off a quarter mile away from you.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.
Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he’s got what it takes to be a priest - or an interior decorator.
Every generation has someone who steps outside the norm and offers a voice for the unspeakable attitudes of that time. I represent everything that's supposed to be wrong, everything that's forbidden.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
That’s why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong on purpose so he could sit down. He knew he wasn’t going to win, so why stand there for 3 hours. First round. "Cat, K-A-T, I'm outta here." Then as he passed you, "Ha! I know there's 2 T's."
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
I got a boy that was married, been married for six years - videotaped his wedding day, never watched it. Six years later, now he watches it every day, but he watches it in reverse. I asked him. He said, 'I love seeing myself take that ring back off her fuckin' finger.'