Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 602

I guess I am a true narcissist. I convinced my dog to walk me.

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

Pliny the Elder, who when Rome was burning requested Nero to play "You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Lucille." Never got a dinner!

There was one embarrassing moment for President Bush. When he heard there were forged documents that had been discovered he said: 'What? You mean they found my diploma from Yale?'

The fact they're not there anymore is not a reflection on the actors. It's just that viewers didn't like it. You went, 'What the hell was that?'

There's gratification in making somebody laugh. It's a wonderful sound. I find myself, to this day, doing it, wanting to make people laugh.

If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you.

When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy’s sack.

If you ask my dad for help... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck at the time.

Mainstream culture is like your mom: It’s always a little late to catch on and gets easily confused by technology, but it means well.

I’m in a whole different part of show business. I’m not even part of Shakespeare in Love.

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

Well I don't know what the city of Hollywood knows about foreign policy, but do I know that a lot of people do learn and educate themselves about policy and I don't have to be a policy expert to know that this will be a disaster.