Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 602

When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can’t keep his eyes or hands off of you.

The problem with most people, is that they are most people.

I’m not trying to brag or make you feel small, but I have a cell phone. Let me explain what that is. You know like if you had a phone in your house, except there’s no ropes attached to it.

A bikini is like a barbed-wire fence. It protects the property without obstructing the view.

Obama says his recreation consists of reading the Constitution... looking for a loophole.

I know you people, you're the smart ones. You're not the ones going down the freeway with a seatbelt hanging out the door makin' sparks. You're not the ones goin' over the overpass with the turn signal on. Where are they gonna turn? You almost wish they would.

There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

You can't just yell jokes at people.

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

There are three kinda men in the world. There's men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickleback.

While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everyone knows, I am as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami.

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it's talking about.