Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 602

I don't know if watching Chaz Bono will turn your kids into transsexuals, but I'm pretty sure that letting them watch Keith Ablow will turn them into assholes.

Gags die, humor doesn't.

When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

N'Sync and Aerosmith are two bands that don't even belong in the same state as each other!

So after Another You I ran off to my very own piece of paradise, my home in Hana.

If it weren’t for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.

Thirty ways to shape up for summer — number one: eat less; number two: exercise more; number three… What was I talking about? I’m so hungry right now.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I've started to kind of hate people, and it's not because I have anything against them. It's just, I enjoy it. It's recreation.

I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.

A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"

There have been times I’ve been out, and my phone battery is at nine percent, and I was like, ‘Time to go home.’

Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"

It's starting to feel good, although I don't like feeling too good - that's not where my comedy comes from.