Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 602
They hate us in other countries. Because we’re arrogant. We don’t know the name of nobody else’s president. Other countries know G.W. (Bush) They know him. But why they hate us because we don’t know and we don’t care. Because they’ll be like, “Hey, do you know the name of my countries leader?” <br /> And you’ll be like, “No.”<br /> “Well, his name..”<br /> “No. Don’t tell me that. I don’t want to hear that.”
Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.
Any female teachers watching the show tonight, you've got to quit dating the students. That's the least we expect out of you. When I was 14 years old, my teacher wouldn't let me bang the erasers.
I feel like we’re in a Noel Coward play. Someone should be making martinis.
Anyone who isn't pro choice never slept with a stripper from Kansas City.
Sketches have characters, exits, entrances and are vastly different.
I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.
The best place in America to get directions, right here in New York City. No matter who you ask, you always get the same directions and you can always understand ‘em.<br /> “Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to 58th & Lexington?”<br /> “What do I look like? An information booth?”
A gypsy girl sent an email to an agony Aunt "I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer?"
You might be a redneck if your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.