Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 614
Anyone who isn't pro choice never slept with a stripper from Kansas City.
I checked in to a hotel the other day and the woman behind the corner said to me, “Do you have a floor preference?” I go, “Yeah, I would like a floor.” Apparently, they can just suspend you from the ceiling now.
There have been times I’ve been out, and my phone battery is at nine percent, and I was like, ‘Time to go home.’
It's nights like this that drive men like me to women like you for nights like this.
In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.
The only thing I really recommend, if you're starting out in stand-up is to not try to copy anybody else. You can be influenced by people. I was influenced by Steve Martin and Bob Newhart and Woody Allen, but I never tried to be someone else. I always tried to be myself. And the reason people are successful is they're unique.
The best part is just having a partner. There is no real worst part. I'm not going to say there's a worst part. I mean I'm a comedian - comedians like to work alone. So maybe I'm not the ideal guy to be married to, in that sense.
My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.
For my stand-up, I always have my notebook with me and if something strikes me, I'll write it down.
Abraham Lincoln, who said, "A house divided... is a condominium." Never got a dinner!