Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 614
(When asked by Johnny Carson what he liked most about living in the United States versus living in Russia.) "Warning shots. In the U.S. the police shoot in the air -- in Russia they shoot straight ahead, that's warning for the next guy."
The bile makes it better. I am an information wasting machine - 100s of words a day.
I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of "Whole Lotta Love."
You watch the news these days? It's unbelievable. You think you just walk out your door, you're immediately gonna be raped by some crack-addicted, AIDS-infected pitbull.
When I am outside at night by myself every person turns into a pedophile. So I tend to walk a little faster than usual and then I sprint.
My kids are growing up and it's hard to accept they are their own person and they're independent.
Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.
They just opened a Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks.
There is a new survey out about the happiest professions. I think the whole premise is flawed. You're supposed to find true happiness outside of work. From friends, family, and YouTube videos of old people falling down.
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."
Do you know they have a pill to stop you from gambling? What are the odds?
I think the Republicans took all the fun out of 'gay.' I mean the word gay - it's fun. But now it's a ban on same sex partners. That sounds horrible. I mean, when do you hear a ban? When it's a toxic pesticide or a nuclear warhead. And who wants to fuck a partner? It sounds like a guy in a gray suit at a law firm.
I would say just in general, in life, I'm more willing to be animated as a person, and so obviously onstage as well.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.