Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 618

Do you know they have a pill to stop you from gambling? What are the odds?

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and ask, “Are you reading that?” I didn’t know what to say. So I said, “Yes,” stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.

Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!

Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.

I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.

The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.

Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.

So I'm at the office, I tell this guy...Pass me the stapler, but when you pass it, make sure staples are in it, because if it isn't, I can't staple anythin'.

I really like Dane Cook as a person. And I want to fuck him, mentally and physically. I'll stop there before offering anymore bad puns.

You might be a redneck if your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

You might be a redneck if your ironing board doubles as a buffet table.

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. "Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up..." WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right dude, you're up."

I feel so badly about what they do to turkeys. That's why this year my family and I are eating a live bird.