Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 618
On getting mugged: I carry around months and months of receipts. I need a mugger who can file my VAT returns.
Nothing makes a white guy feel safer than seeing a trolly, you never feel you're gonna get fucked up when you're around a trolly.
Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
I got these new pajama bottoms and they have pockets. Which is great, because I was getting really tired of holding things while I slept.
It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.
Get to go to a bachelor party. We went to a strip club…. Really unqualified stripper came out. Ugly… She comes out, she goes “Hey cutie, what do you want me to take off next?” I go, “My glasses.”
How does the audience fall under the illusion that they have some right to not be offended? Certainly you have the right to not be harmed; but offended? Imagine the number of subjects that might offend any single individual and multiply that by the number of people in any given audience. Subtract all those topics from any given comic's set list and what do you get? Mime. That's what you get and possibly what you deserve. I've been booed for wearing the jersey of an offending sports team and then won the audience back with rape jokes. Who can tell?
I almost bought a DeLorean the other day just because. If I see something that I think is cool and I like it, I'll go for it.
I went to Missouri. I got a speeding ticket for $130. That’s a bunch of crap. Rent’s not $130 in Missouri…
Riding a Ducati is like having sex with an aerobics instructor - you know, I'm exhausted and panting and it's going: 'Are you done, already?'
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.