Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 618

I got pulled over by the cops because I was swerving a bit while trying to change the radio. It was a shame, 'cos I'd almost disconnected the old one.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

A lot of comedians are selfish.

You might be a redneck if your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

You might be a redneck if your ironing board doubles as a buffet table.

This whole urban rap thing needs to be pulled back some. The ghetto is being glorified, and there's nothing good about the ghetto except getting out of one.

Fame for me is like a place, a country I'm taking a tour through.

The part that wasn't a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pubic hair that looked like it had literally been attached with a glue gun. I couldn't believe how much there was, and wondered how he had never heard of scissors, or - more appropriate for that kind of growth - hedge trimmers. I didn't understand what porn he was watching to not be aware of the trimming that was happening all across the world among his compatriots. I'm not a finicky person when it comes to pubic hair maintenance and I certainly don't expect men to shave it all off, leaving themselves to look like a hairless cat. That's even creepier then than seeing what Austin had, which could really only be compared to one thing: A clown in a leg lock.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

I'm forever a part of pop culture.

People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.

Apparently every man was told to bring three women with them. Sounds like a ho-down.

You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.

Historically the mainstream media has never been particularly friendly to any socially progressive ideas.

He had a passion and a depth of belief, and an optimism, and a tenacity that I very much admired. He was one of the first people I remember learning about, and maybe his death left an indelible mark. I felt that Robert Kennedy was a man of political integrity.