Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 618
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
We can't agree on religion and guns and economics and sadly civil rights but if the wealthy won't chip in for the needy we are done.
If I get lucky enough one day to have Howard`s money and life... Actually, you know what, if I ever get Howard money I am going to retire.
I was living in a place where I was harming myself. I was irresponsible. I`d lost several apartments. I couldn`t hold a job. I was tired of being a no-good son of a bitch who called himself a man but was just a grown boy.
I don't know if watching Chaz Bono will turn your kids into transsexuals, but I'm pretty sure that letting them watch Keith Ablow will turn them into assholes.
I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.
I'm interested in doing everything and anything that I can to squeeze that creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm sort of a performance rat.
When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.
Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I'm able to tell a joke. I thank God I'm good at something.
If it weren’t for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.
Watching someone smoke when you can't is like watching porno without being able to jack off.
Fans of the comic book are upset that the filmmakers chose to depict Spider-Man's web shooter as organic instead of as a device created by his alter ego, Peter Parker. Fucking nerds!
I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.
My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.