Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 618

You might be a redneck if fewer than half of your cars run.

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

I got a truck outside with my name on it: Sanford and Son. I’m Sanford and this is Son.

I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house have wheels.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

If I get lucky enough one day to have Howard`s money and life... Actually, you know what, if I ever get Howard money I am going to retire.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

When I sat down to write I just felt like a geek writing about myself. And then it dawned on me, just because of the way I am, I can't stop talking, and part of the problem is that anything that gets said reminds me of something that happened to me one time, and invariably I cut people off and talk about myself.

My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

As a general rule, I’ll talk about anything, provided it’s funny. But some topics - disease, famine, Big Daddy Kane - have a slightly higher threshold for how funny an idea must seem for me to try it onstage.

Single guys get a bad rap.

Obama says his recreation consists of reading the Constitution... looking for a loophole.

I feel like we’re in a Noel Coward play. Someone should be making martinis.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

I checked in to a hotel the other day and the woman behind the corner said to me, “Do you have a floor preference?” I go, “Yeah, I would like a floor.” Apparently, they can just suspend you from the ceiling now.